[pauliewalnuts]

My wife and I have been married 14 years. If it matters, she is 42 and I’m 48. We have always had amazing sex once we get into the bed and get things rolling. The problem is getting there.
I want to clarify that I do my part in the bedroom. I could understand if a husband didn’t know what he was doing, skipped foreplay; was a selfish lover or didn’t satisfy his woman’s needs. That’s not the case here. Lets just say that for every time I “win” in bed, she “wins” 10-15 times, and she gets the full treatment; oral, fingers (Which she really likes) and a healthy does of of intercourse. Seeing her climax is the most exciting part of love-making for me. When I was younger, like many men I had a premature problem; now its the opposite…I really have to work to get over that cliff, if you know what I mean. Anything she wants, I give it to her. Whenever we finish, and I say “That was amazing,” her response is always, “It always is.”
Despite the aforementioned, it is always I who has to ask for sex, and I pretty much have to ask beforehand; she turns me down so often I no longer try spontaneous sex, as it is more difficult for me to deal with the rejection if I try to start and am rebuffed, than if I simply ask and am told “no.” (To be truthful, that hurts too) Its as if she doesn’t need intimacy with me at all; its just a bonus for her- but maybe that’s because she knows its always available for her whenever she wants.
So hungry am I for this contact, I’ve given her an open and standing offer throughout our marriage: Any evening she wants, I will give her oral sex and digital (Fingers) no strings attached; I don’t require or expect her to reciprocate at all. I figure this makes it very easy for her; a relaxing time of being pleasured before she showers. In 14 years of marriage, I think she has taken me up on this offer about 3-4 times.
Any advice? I’m losing my mind here, and feeling hurt.

[AskApril Masini]

Your question is not unusual — and when any couple goes the distance in a relationship, there’s always the challenge of keeping sex “fresh” and interesting. Making dates for sex is a great solution for making sure you prioritize it, but getting interested after 14 years, is another challenge that many couples share. What I do sense from your post, is that your wife doesn’t appreciate how important having sex is, to you. And what I also hear is that you seem to think that her experience of sex is the same as yours — which probably isn’t true. In other words, you’re offering all these “goodies” which are intended to create a sexual experience for hers which is like yours. But the reality is that she may be interested in simply pleasing you, solely because you want sex with her — even if she doesn’t. Make this an option, so that she doesn’t feel that she has to “get there” just because you do. That may take some of the pressure that’s keeping her away from sex, off of it — ironically! In addition, there are lots of deals couples make in marriages and long term relationships where they do things for each other — whether it’s raising kids a certain way, living in a certain type of home, buying a particular car, taking in an elderly parent — none of which one person in the marriage likes, but they do it for the spouse and for the marriage. Sex is sometimes that same way. Even if she’s not in the mood, simply doing it for you is a nice thing to do. And it’s your job to accept and appreciate that, rather than try and make the sexual experience for her, just like yours. 😉 In other words, for her, it’s probably not just about the physical outcome — it may have more to do with intimacy and feeling like a bonded couple, than it is about climaxing. And it’s important for you to let her know in a way that gets across to her, that sex is important to you — not just because you want to please her, but because of how it makes you feel about yourself and about the relationship. Believe it or not, she may not know this.

Let me know how things go and if this helps.

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[pauliewalnuts]

[quote]In other words, you’re offering all these “goodies” which are intended to create a sexual experience for hers which is like yours. But the reality is that she may be interested in simply pleasing you, solely because you want sex with her — even if she doesn’t. Make this an option, so that she doesn’t feel that she has to “get there” just because you do. That may take some of the pressure that’s keeping her away from sex, off of it [/quote]

I don’t understand what you’re saying here. Make [i]what[/i] an option? She won’t have sex simply to please me. Its only if and when she feels like it.

[AskApril Masini]

That’s too bad. 🙁 Then, I think you have to let her know how important sex is to you. Many women don’t understand that sex in a relationship is a deal breaker for men — if they don’t have it, or it’s not good enough or often enough, they start to feel lacking in their own self esteem, as well as the way they feel about the relationship. And that’s how relationships end. 🙁 If she doesn’t understand that, it would be great for her to have a better comprehension of men — and the importance of sex in a relationship.

The other thing I was trying to get across to you is that for her, sex is probably not just about the physical release or the sexual feelings — but it’s about intimacy and being close to someone — and that’s often a foreign language for many men to hear because it’s not how they experience sex.

See if those two tips don’t help things…. and please check in and let me know how things go. 🙂

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[pauliewalnuts]

[quote=”April Masini”]That’s too bad. 🙁 Then, I think you have to let her know how important sex is to you. Many women don’t understand that sex in a relationship is a deal breaker for men — if they don’t have it, or it’s not good enough or often enough, they start to feel lacking in their own self esteem, as well as the way they feel about the relationship. And that’s how relationships end. 🙁 If she doesn’t understand that, it would be great for her to have a better comprehension of men — and the importance of sex in a relationship. [/quote]

Believe me, in 14 years of conversations (And even arguments) about sex, she’s been told these things. She just isn’t moved to change anything by them. Why not? She’s getting everything she wants.

[quote=”April Masini”]The other thing I was trying to get across to you is that for her, sex is probably not just about the physical release or the sexual feelings — but it’s about intimacy and being close to someone — and that’s often a foreign language for many men to hear because it’s not how they experience sex.

See if those two tips don’t help things…. and please check in and let me know how things go. 🙂

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April, those things are easily understood by me and always have been. And you can’t judge a book by its category- its about intimacy and being close to me as well. (Along with powerful physical pleasure)

[AskApril Masini]

You first wrote me because you’re not getting enough sex with your wife and you wanted advice on how to have a better sexual relationship with her. You wrote that she turns you down a lot and you’re very frustrated. I can help you come up with some options to try out — whether they’re the dates in the book I’m recommending you buy and read, below, or ways to talk to her and ideas to communicate differently — but if you don’t want to try anything, then let me know that, because then the problem is really a different one than you first posed.

I think it will be very helpful if you try some of the dates I’ve written about in [b]Romantic Date Ideas[/b], a book intended to get the juices flowing! 😎 [url]https://askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url]. It’s worth a try, and the downside is low, while the upside is high. 🙂

Basically, you have to be willing to make some changes in the way you’re doing things and communicating with her because what you are doing isn’t working. However, if you’re not willing to make any changes on you’re own, that’s okay — but you have to understand that you’re going to be very angry and sad at the situation, unless and until you accept the marriage for what it is — or leave it.

Let me know what you think.

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[pauliewalnuts]

April, I’m still not sure I understand exactly what your meaning was when you posted this:

[quote]But the reality is that she may be interested in simply pleasing you, solely because you want sex with her — even if she doesn’t. Make this an option, so that she doesn’t feel that she has to “get there” just because you do. That may take some of the pressure that’s keeping her away from sex, off of it
[/quote]
I think I might know, but I’m not sure.

[AskApril Masini]

What I meant is that sometimes the sex can be just about you. It doesn’t have to be about her. In a couple, sometimes the sex is all about one person, and not the other. Not all the time, but sometimes. That’s what I meant.

Does that help at all?

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[pauliewalnuts]

[quote=”April Masini”]What I meant is that sometimes the sex can be just about you. It doesn’t have to be about her. In a couple, sometimes the sex is all about one person, and not the other. Not all the time, but sometimes. That’s what I meant.

Does that help at all?

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Yes, but it takes me a while to reach climax- by then she will have “won” many times anyway. I also don’t think she’d be interested. When we first got married, sometimes if she wasn’t in the mood, she’d give me a HJ. Now, she won’t even do that.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. Let me ask you a question — do you want to make any changes in the way you do things?

It’s important for you to be honest with yourself. If you don’t want to make any changes, and you merely want to vent about her or the relationship — or to figure out how to exit the relationship, it would be good to know that now.

What do you think?

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[pauliewalnuts]

[quote=”April Masini”]Got it. Let me ask you a question — do you want to make any changes in the way you do things?

It’s important for you to be honest with yourself. If you don’t want to make any changes, and you merely want to vent about her or the relationship — or to figure out how to exit the relationship, it would be good to know that now.

What do you think?

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No, I don’t want out of the relationship. I’d like to have her compromise a little more, but mostly, I can’t understand how someone who is so passionate in the bed and enjoys it so much wants it so infrequently. It boggles my mind. I guess she’s just content to have quality over quantity.

[AskApril Masini]

I hear that you don’t want out of the relationship and that you want her to change.

But you didn’t answer my question, which is, are YOU willing to make any changes in your own behavior? I think that’s important for you to know — and for me to know, too, in order to help you as best I can.

In response to your wanting to know how someone who’s passionate in bed doesn’t want sex as much as you want it….. the very true answer is that people are different. She doesn’t have the same sex drive you do. It’s very common for people in a relationship to have different sex drives, or different sex drives at different times in their lives. Lots of things affect a person’s sex drive, and there are as many reasons for her sex drive being different than yours.

I hope that helps!

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[pauliewalnuts]

[quote=”April Masini”]I hear that you don’t want out of the relationship and that you want her to change.

But you didn’t answer my question, which is, are YOU willing to make any changes in your own behavior? I think that’s important for you to know — and for me to know, too, in order to help you as best I can.

In response to your wanting to know how someone who’s passionate in bed doesn’t want sex as much as you want it….. the very true answer is that people are different. She doesn’t have the same sex drive you do. It’s very common for people in a relationship to have different sex drives, or different sex drives at different times in their lives. Lots of things affect a person’s sex drive, and there are as many reasons for her sex drive being different than yours.

I hope that helps!

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I am willing to try some things, but some things have been suggested that I know her well enough to know they won’t work. I never want out of the relationship, nor will I cheat. I just feel like I’m on a starvation diet.
Thanks, anyway, for not attacking me, calling me a liar, etc. like other women have on a different board.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome — I try to be empathetic to your situation, and I can tell you’re frustrated and unhappy — and I want to help. I guess the question I still have for you is [i]what[/i] are you willing to try that you haven’t tried already, in order to change your own behavior. It seems you haven’t embraced any of my suggestions, and you’re kind of throwing in the towel. 😳 So…. what do YOU think will help, that YOU can do? I can tell you’re very unhappy with the situation, but I don’t see that you are ready to embrace any change — and that’s really the only way to get out of a groove, once you’re stuck in one. 😉

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[pauliewalnuts]

Yes, I am. In fact, since we started this conversation, I’ve worked on the main complaint she has about me- she thinks I “keep things from” her because I’m absent-minded and forget to tell her things, or I don’t talk about things that aren’t important to me. I started writing those stupid things down in a journal and bringing them up every night and talking to her about them. She seems very happy about that, but I don’t yet know if that will lead to more sex.

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