[mdm29]

That’s perfect!

I just have to learn not to over think thing and go with the flow! I can speak for myself and say that I haven’t even talked to another guy since we have started talking and hanging out. At the very beginning of this we would just ask each other questions and talk about various things and I remember him saying that he isn’t the type of guy to talk to more then one person at once, and that he wanted to take it slow so he doesn’t make a mistake as hes older now and isn’t looking to play around.

I do have to admit that if I found out he was talking to other girls after what his thoughts were on that at the beginning, I would be crushed and that would be a huge turn off to me. I really don’t think he does, hes a genuine nice guy with a good heart and seems to care about me… I especially see this when we actually hang out in person.

We both love to travel and spoke about how he wanted to go somewhere and so did I. After a few weeks of him sending me information on a place he wanted to go I jokingly said that if he keeps sending me stuff I’ll have to tag along since it looked so amazing, not expecting any kind of answer at all referring to me coming along of course but that’s what I got back. He said “If were still dating and you can get the time off. Hell ya!”. Since that he always says “we” now when referring to the trip rather then just making it about himself. He also mentioned that his parents might come for the first 2 weeks and then the last 2 that me and him can go alone to Greece and really enjoy the last of the trip. This is also a good sign!

All in all if it’s meant to be it will be! I have never taken it the slow way and I wish I had of everytime, you really get to appreciate all aspects of the person your getting to know. If only I can just get a hold of this stupid over thinking thing then I would be all set!

Thanks a million 🙂

[mdm29]

New Relationship Alert
& New to the “taking it slow”Route! Advice please!

Hi April!

Let me start by giving you a little insight as to how I typically went about the “dating” world. The past few serious relationships I have had, I was never one to take the slow route. It always moved quick, falling hard, and meeting the folks fairly early. To me this was the normal way….. was I ever wrong.

Back in September I became single from a relationship I was in for about 2 years that ended on my account due to not being happy and feeling like it was just a “friend” relationship at the end. I realized that you only have one life, sometimes you have to be selfish and go after what will truly make you happy, and being alone for a little bit was what I needed, and eventually, hoping I would find the perfect guy for me that would truly make me happy in more ways then one.

A couple months later, November, I began talking to a guy I somewhat knew of from years back. Never friends but I worked at a local gym, and at the time, he was dating one of the girls that also worked there. I thought he was super handsome and had the most stunning blue eyes I had ever seen. Never put thought into it of course because it was always just a quick interaction and we both were seeing someone at the time.

So this is years and years later now and we start talking, and really hit it off. We talked non stop for about a week before we actually met in person. Our first date was great, everything felt right and we truly enjoyed each others time. We kept talking and talking and then one day about 3 weeks or so later I noticed he wasn’t talking as much, taking longer to respond and just not showing any initiative. After dealing with that for a few days I decided to let him know how it was making me feel. I told him that I felt like he just wasn’t interested in this anymore and that I didn’t want to waste his time or mine. He came back saying that his feelings towards me haven’t changed, but that he felt like it was moving way to fast and that he wanted to put the breaks on a little bit. We both laughed it off after I told him that was fine and that I felt the same way, we are both new to the dating world as we were usually in a long term relationship, I just got the point across that all he had to do was communicate that to me and the problem would have been solved. After this conversation things were great, still didn’t talk as much and would take super long to answer but I kept on it as this has a lot of potential to really be something.

My last relationship got to “buddy” feeling and I dealt with a lot of issues regarding emotional strains. His last relationship ended pretty badly resulting in a lot of emotional damage and financial damage but it is all in the past now. I knew his ex and knew of what happened, his parents I feel might be hesitant too with how things went last time, I feel like they just wouldn’t want to see him hurt again as would any parent.

I’m 24 and hes 29, he has a great job and so do I, we both want the same things. We get along super great, have tons of fun, and the chemistry is there both emotionally and physically. SO much potential.

Now here is where I am new to the “taking it slow” thing. I love that we are doing it this way, It’s really giving us a chance to truly get to know one another and take our time enjoying these stages.

But now weve been doing this for just over 3 months and I just want some advice as to when I should expect things to progress, and if they don’t, how should I go about bringing it up in a way that I don’t look like a needy girl just wanting a “title” of validity.

We haven’t met each others parents yet, which I am fine with. I would love to be able to say we have been dating for how ever many months and that were into it before we bring family into it as family is important to both of us.

I am having a hard time trying not to overthink, and I have never been this way before in a relationship, It’s very different this time when it comes to that. I find myself worrying that he might be talking to other girls (which I know he’s not, I have also been told by many many people that hes a good guy and would never mess around, his good friend from childhood told me without me even asking that hes not the type of guy to talk to more then one girl). I have to also keep in mind that he is almost 30, hes ready to settle down and wouldn’t want to just play around.

Basically any advice on how to take it slow without over thinking things would be great! I have really good feelings about this and I think he does too. The lack of communication sometimes gets to me if he doesn’t respond for a while but there are more good things then bad that’s for sure! He also brings me around his friends, which is “the boys” and told me before that he wasn’t into PDA, but he usually puts his arm around my waist when were sitting on the couch even with them around.

I noticed the other day when he was showing me something funny on his phone when we were with all of them that there was an icon (fb inbox messenger, the little circle that shows the person profile photo). It was a girl. When I creeped (of course sadly) I noticed that shes more his age, good friends with his ex, and friends with people he grew up with. I over think to much and this is probably nothing. But I think when going back to the “needing” a title but not wanting to look needy, I just want that to make me feel more secure in knowing if he considers me more then just someone hes dating, but maybe a little more?

I’m sorry for being so all over the place here but that may help give you an insight as to how up in the air I am with this whole taking it slow thing, NEW DATING LEGS!

Any advice would be more appreciated then you know!

Thank you April,

You helped me so much with my last relationship, I had to write again!

MP

[mdm29]

You always have the right thing to say! I can’t thank you enough!

I’ll keep you updated!

Thanks so much April!

[mdm29]

April,

Thank you for getting back to me so quickly!

You pretty much hit the nail on the head I think. I know that eventually, or soon, as it will keep going the way it does, that I will have to make the decision. Do you have any advice for how to break that kind of news in a way that I can be aware of his feelings but also get my point across? Breaking up with your ‘best friend’ is pretty tough. Sure its not romantic and passionate, but when you have been with someone this long, just to end it like that and be done with it, is just a little hard to swallow even though if it were to happen I know time would heal and help me move on and start life for myself and eventually meet Mr. Right. I want to tell him in a way that makes it like, not his fault what so ever, I do feel like I need ‘me time’ as I never really have had that for long. I find the older I get the more I am understanding that we have one life, and if something feels off, or something is making you second guess, then you should go for what ever makes you truly happy and what will benefit you in the long run. I wish I could say I want to just wait for something to just smack me in the face to make me realize what the right decision is here, if only it was that easy.

Any advice at all for that step, if taken, would be so so appreciated.

Thank you!

[mdm29]

Hi April!

Here I am, back again. I just wanted to update you on the previous situation I asked you for advice for. So, here we go…

Last time I posted I talked about how we got back together after I called it off for a few days. Well, sadly, I’m finding myself going right back into the old state of mind I had, which I didn’t want/think could happen again. Since I last posted, things were good, he was no longer having that belittling attitude and such. He acts a tiny bit more ‘boyfriend’ isn but yet the passion still lacks. Surprisingly, we have actually had sex a few times (while he’s not drunk) but again, the passion is very little during sex and even less the rest of the time. He is such a great guy but I can’t help but still constantly analyze every time I’m with or without him. I find my self, even at work, going back and fourth thinking, ok, so I can picture marrying him, like the picture in my head of that day is there and how it would make sense. But then the other side of me is like, what if down the road I have second thoughts like I’m having now, and were actually married and have kids. I find myself getting anxiety while watching a wedding just with this terrible unsettling feeling that I would be scared to get to that day and think man, deep down in my gut, this just isn’t what is meant for me.

A lot has changed in our personal lives since too. I finally gained a job that pays really really well, for once I can say I am more then secure when it comes to finances. He is currently still in school (online) and working casual at his job in the health field. He recently just had great success in getting funding for school, which, they will be making up for the days that he doesn’t, aka constantly having a steady income! This all happened at once and It was the best news. He knew how excited I was to get a place and finally we were at least in the position that its possible (apartment).

Now…. heres where it gets sticky….

With him being a ‘moms boy’, I feel there is some hesitation. Recently his older sister (26) just found out that everything got approved for her and her boyfriend to buy a house, they move in November (just down the road). The first thing that came out of that was ‘Where is my room going to be, which one can I have? Maybe I can build my room downstairs!’ to which I wasn’t super happy. His sisters man works away on and off so she will be there alone a lot, which, they knew getting into this. She expects him to go stay with her while he’s away, knowing that I wanted to get our own place. We went for a drive last night and we had a conversation about getting a place. I was telling him it will be interesting when he tells his mom and dad, because she will lose it. He said ‘ well you can’t really blame them, why would we get a place when we can just live at home rent free, the only reason why were wanting to get our own place is so we can be closer and be together’ and I said ‘well thats half of it, the other big part is that I just want that independence, were going to be 24 and 25, it’s time to get things moving. You have to remember that I lived on my own before and I know what its like and how it feels, I just really want that again’. He then goes into me negatively talking bad about my old place and old landlord (which sure, I said the place wasn’t super spiffy, but I never ever said the landlord was crappy, so I took that as him just trying to make it seem like getting an apartment isn’t all its cracked up to be.

Later that night I went to the bathroom and overheard, what I think, was a conversation about me and him between his mother and sister. His sister was talking about the house, and how she wants to keep her bed at her parents house so she can sleepover while, and come over for supper etc. I then kept listening and heard his sister say something along the lines of ‘Oh yeah she’s been looking, she wants to in January’ (kind of digging because she wants him to stay with her at her new house’ and his mom then replied ‘ No, noooo, no, no, no, definitely not’. I didn’t tell him this for two reasons: He would either take there side, or say something to them to put me on the spot for listening and telling on them.

All in all, he would rather stay with his sister then get a place with his girlfriend. Like he said the other day ‘If my sister wants me to stay with her because she will be along the weeks her boyfriend is gone, then I will for sure’ and I said I would just get my own place then, without hesitation he agreed in a happy giddy way, he just doesn’t get it. Quite frankly, this is causing me to go right back into my state of mind that I had of regret and not knowing what I want with him. It still feels very much like were just ‘best friends’, which makes this even harder.

Im a lost cause with this, I’m just praying that something big hits me in the face to make me realize if I’m supposed to keep trying with him or if I’m supposed to just let this go and find a MAN. Im ready to take on life and I just want him to be there with me. Not to mention the passion.

Any advice will help, thank you so much! 🙄 🙁

[mdm29]

April,

You truly don’t realize exactly how much you have helped me. I constantly ask of opinions sometimes but your advice just makes me feel better with some emotions I have been feeling and the uncertainties I have.

I will keep you updated as the days go on!

Thanks a bunch!

[mdm29]

Yes he does.

Thank you

Marley

[mdm29]

Perfect!

Posted this in my previous post!

Thanks 🙂

[mdm29]

Hi April,

I wrote to you last week regarding my relationship. Your advice is so helpful. I can’t help but ask your advice as I’m in such a weird spot. I don’t want you to think I’m just looking for reasons to break up, because I’m not, but I am just a really confused 23 year old woman looking for any advice possible.

Aside from my previous issues (lack of passion, sex, etc) I wanted to also add in a few more things. As I last stated, the sex isn’t passionate and is barely there but we had one good night last week so I had mentioned that being glad it happened. It’s like right after it happens and the day after I’m happy and feel satisfied. It’s almost like I try and hold onto that feeling but deep down I know, that maybe in a few days, my mind goes right back to where it was before the passionate moments. It’s like I know it doesn’t last long, or it’s once in a blue moon, so I enjoy it for the moment and then I get right back into my analyzing.

Yesterday I went to his house after work (like I do every Friday as I typically stay at his place for the whole weekend). I went up to his room, and like usual when I’m gone for a few days, his room is a MESS. He is 24 years old and really has a bad case of a “mama’s boy”. There was stuff all over is floor that he could have swept, clean clothes thrown on the floor, bed not made, and things just everywhere. Like always, I cave and clean, because I can’t stand being in his room when it’s like that. I swept, put his clothes away, and disinfected the coffee table and other surface areas in his room. When I asked him to please start cleaning it he jokingly says “nahh I wont”, and I say that I’m not doing it anymore and that hes 24 and it wouldn’t kill him to clean sometimes. He comes back with “nahh you can just keep doing it” and laughs and continues to joke. I told him if he’s like this when we actually live together (like we plan on next year) that I won’t be putting up with it and that it won’t end up working out. He just always thinks its a big joke when I am actually being serious.

I get all men probably have this issue, but if your girlfriend is staying over I would expect it to be at least a bit tidy. If I didn’t clean his room it wouldn’t even be fit to be in. I keep saying to myself maybe when we live together it will be different and he will start to do more things. But, on the other side of it, part of me thinks it will be the same as it is now or worse. His mom and dad have that type of relationship. She does EVERYTHING. There is no romance in there relationship anymore, she sleeps on the couch and hes upstairs. Every morning he hollers down and wakes her up so she can make his tea and take it up to him in bed. I am totally for doing things for your man, but seeing how they are and seeing how similar he is to his dad in that way, makes me super hesitant.

I can’t help but constantly analyze these things and the lack of passion/sex. Even kissing, which seems to always be something I have to ask for, or if I initiate it, I can feel the pull away when he seems to feel its enough. I know it must look like I’m just reaching for reasons, but I truly am not. Trust me, if I can make it work I want to, but sometimes I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Any advice would be amazing! I’m constantly torn and my mind is always racing. I’m 23 years old and I’m getting at the age where considering the person to be with for the rest of your life comes into play a little more seriously. I just want to get this figured out so I can either be at peace with us and figure it out and make it work, or end it and move on and live life more for me and figure out what I want if he’s not the one I’m supposed to be with. You only have only life, and I want to make sure that I am completely certain about who I want to spend my life with as it is something so so so important to me.

Thank you so much April!

Marley

[mdm29]

Wow!

Maybe I spoke to soon.. We had the best sex of our whole relationship tonight. Very intimate and after we even talked about that and how much we enjoyed it and wanted to make it possible for every other night when we feel it!

I will still take your advice 🙂

Thank you!

[mdm29]

Wow, thank you so much for replying so fast!

Everything you said is perfect. I also forgot to add some details from my last post so if you could give me more advice on this with the rest I have to share that would be so helpful.

So continuing on..

Back in May I kind of hit my breaking point and called off the relationship after we previously talked about it a time before and I addressed him and told him I don’t feel intimate anymore and I feel like we’re just friends and he agreed and said we could work on it. So we did for a few weeks and then we went away for a night and he was just in such a crappy attitude and basically I ended up in the tub, with my wine, while he layed in bed and continued to be cranky because I was being to loud with my music.

The day after that happened I was at work and we basically started talking and I said I needed a break and he agreed to let me have some space. It didn’t last long but during that whole day he seemed super okay with it, even more then I thought so I was kind of shock. That whole day I was on a high, I was pretty happy with me decision and I was certain it was what I wanted. I never really had my time to be single and be super independent as a woman. So we spent two nights apart. And then I think reality hit him that I was actually very serious. So he asked to meet up and talk and we both cried and I really felt bad for him and then part of me wanted to try and figure it out so we mended it and got back together.

It was really good for about 2 months or so and now the sex thing is gone again. It always kind of dwindled but I dealt with it because it was enough for me to be satisified. But I still can’t help feeling like we’re just friends more so then intimate partners in a relationship. I’m only 23 and sometimes I just feel like maybe I did need that time on my own to figure things out for me. But now I don’t know what to do because I thought those feelings were gone, but there slowly creeping back up.

Another thing is I feel like even though he’s older, sometimes I feel a lot more mature then him. Sure we both joke around but sometimes he pretends to be mad and gets me going and then I get so frustrated.

I’m really in a bind and I tell myself I’ll take it day by day, but along the way advice is great to help me figure everything out! So glad I joined your forum!

Thank you!

[Member]

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