[ReidHouse]

🙂 Thanks April.

[ReidHouse]

[quote]Why are his two teenagers living with one of the teenager’s’ maternal mother’s mother instead of with him? Or their mothers? [/quote]

The teenagers have the same mother. The live with their grandmother. The oldest of the two was sent to boarding school overseas last year as a preventative measure regarding the behavior he was exhibiting – however, he did not like it and his mother brought him back home over the summer, against his fathers wishes. The younger of the two moved to my house when his father did, however, he didn’t adjust, and with his brother back, he moved to live with him. They stay with the grandmother because the mother does not have space in her home for them. They are not doing well socially away from their father, and I know he is hurt by their leaving. They both lived with him prior to all this.

[quote]And why doesn’t he want his two oldest kids who are adults? Very curious…. What is it that he does for them that makes you feel pushed aside?
[/quote]

I didn’t mean to give you the impression that he doesn’t want them – I was saying they are adults and live on their own, therefore they are not a huge factor in our relationship. He does things for his kids mother’s, particularly the oldest child’s mother and the youngest two (these two have the same mother). It makes me feel pushed to the side when an event comes up regarding the younger kids, and he would invite the oldest kid’s mother, but not invite me. Or at these events he is immersed in conversation with them, and I’m feeling like a tag along. Or, he does things like transport them around because they don’t have transportation, or fix things in their homes. I feel like the mother’s expect from him as if he is still their man, but he refuses to see it that way, because he feels that its for the kids.

[quote]I don’t think you’re wrong in not wanting “pop in” visits by his adult kids, but it sounds like this is something that he can explain to them and they should be able to call if they want to visit, and ask if it’s a good time to do so, or not. That’s just simple manners. 😉 [/quote]

I was talking about the mothers in this instance – I truly wouldn’t really have a problem if his kids showed up, although prior notice would be helpful. But it is the mothers that he feels should be able to come to the house whenever, for whatever, if even just to waste time before going somewhere else. And while I could tell me telling him I didn’t want them here at all (unless it had something to do with the children) bothered him deeply, I asked as you’ve suggested, that I can at least be told they were coming, and that they would respect my house (not just walk through the door and travel through my home freely).

[quote]And why don’t you want his daughter in law in your children’s lives? Isn’t she the aunt? [/quote]

Here, I was referring to his oldest child’s mother – his ex. I don’t understand why she plays a role in the children’s lives when she was the first mother, and therefore never the step-mother to any of them. Yet she has assumed the role.

I hope this was clearer. I know with all the relationships involved it is complicated.

[ReidHouse]

Thanks, I understand what you are saying – he will leave in time.

I just still feel like part of him feels it can get better in time, perhaps if we learn to accept each other? He doesn’t want to change, and he’s not telling me what I need to change – because he doesn’t want to change me. Which I guess is fair.

He actually has 7 kids total, and 5 kids mothers, including myself. 2 of the kids are now grown and on their own, and the 2 highschoolers recently moved to their maternal grandmothers home. We have the youngest two and our daughter (plus my kids). He has always been the main custodial parent for his kids, as their mother’s are not the most fit. However, he has maintained extremely good relations with them, which is actually a main source of our tension.

They have their own families, and whether or not they want him is irrelevant because I know he doesn’t want them. However, his willingness to do for them leaves me feeling pushed to the side lots of times. It is also part of his discomfort in that he is used to them being able to pop in his house at anytime, for any reason, and this is not something I am willing to accept in my house. I also take issue with his adults sons mothers trying to play a step-mother role in my child’s life. She plays this role in his youngest children’s lives, and while the relationship is already established, it is something i have had no other choice but to accept. However, I do not think it is necessary for her to be in my daughter’s life. He feels that if it benefits the kids it shouldn’t matter. I question the motive for her doing so.

[ReidHouse]

I’m sorry, that should have read he showed up unannounced.

[ReidHouse]

OK. I get that part. Which is why I’m 90% sure I’m leaving.

My confusion is why he does stay if he doesn’t want a relationship and doesn’t want to live here. He knew he didn’t want to live here before he moved here, and yet he showed up with all his belongings and children announced. We have even taken the first steps to buying a house.

I also said “in the same breath, he’s telling me that he stays because one day things might work between us. That one day everything will just work and everyone will be happy without trying.”

Yes he’s telling me I don’t want this, yet he’s NOT leaving.

[ReidHouse]

Thank you.

I am not sure he was telling me he wants to leave. It sounded as if he was telling me he’s not happy, but he’d rather stay and be unhappy for the prospect of things working one day, then to leave and ruin the chance. Its like he doesn’t want the expectations of a relationship but wants to remain living together if that makes sense.

My question was really whether or not doing that would benefit the relationship.

As for myself, I agree with you saying to develop my own plan. I do not agree with staying together for the children, although my biggest pain here is the inability to give my children a two-parent home.

My plan is to move me and my kids out as soon as possible (two are my own, plus one is ours). I don’t think our relationship was ready for cohabitation, and I know not living together would alleviate much of our stress. It would be up to him whether or not he wants to continue the actual relationship in this manner.

He says there is no one else, and same as I feel, he has no interest in getting into another relationship, so I don’t know if he just needs time and space to process his own issues.

[ReidHouse]

I am 28, he is 41. There are 5 kids aged 10, 9, 8, 6 and 10 months, and I’m 6 months pregnant.

[Member]

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