[DiAngelo]

Just to verify, he went straight home. He didn’t go out with anyone else and isn’t seeing any one else. We talk and see each other almost every day. We got home fairly late in the evening after the argument and since he was on his bike, I know he didn’t go anywhere else due to the darkness and he didn’t have his night glasses. I agree, with all that you said, and know it’s more about me. As much as I try to be strong and think I’m handling things like a strong self assured woman, I seem to fall into this time after time. I know the whole argument was over his commitment phobic issues. I keep thinking that he’ll work through them, but it probably won’t happen. I feel very discouraged right now. Thank you.

[DiAngelo]

Hi, thank you.
Last Sat. we had a date for a car show. Then went to a restaurant. There, got into a conversation that triggered him greatly. Called for the check and left the restaurant. Had other plans but he drove me home and said good night. I was upset but he did not comfort me. That felt awful. Didn’t hear from him next day and only conversations all week was about work. He was very distant and only talked via texting and only the facts. I was greatly disturbed and it raised alot of fear and abandonment issues for me, which I tried very hard not to react to.
Last night he had to come over to practice a troweling technique for this job. I told myself I didn’t want to have sex with him, due to how the week was and knew I’d feel awkward about it. He was very engaging , but didn’t want to talk about it. I caved in and had sex with him. I regret caving in. Feel it sent message that he can ignore me, not comfort me etc. and I’ll engage intimately with him anyway. How do I now, handle this? With myself and with him? How do ,I in the future, express that I don’t feel comfortable having sex during a time like this when it’s something we do regularly? Caved because I thought I’d feel better being close to him (needed the comfort I thought it would bring me) and because I hate confrontation. I feel like I compromised myself and my dignity. Also, I don’t want to communicate this in a game-playing way or come across as being too harsh. I wish I’d said to him that I needed to talk about what happened Sat. before I could connect with him sexually. Please help.

[DiAngelo]

Hello, thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate your insight. At the time, I didn’t feel I was being defensive but actually apologized for not reaching out. I was only gone for one day. I did however bring to his attention, that he had told me he was going to be busy and he didn’t reach out to me either. I realize now, that I shouldn’t have even addressed those points, but to have just said Thank you for being the “better person.”
What is your feedback about what I mentioned in regards to him texting me occasionally and saying “Well, sounds like your busy, so I’ll see or talk to you later. Seems he does this at times when he’s wanting his space but wants to put it on me. I have decided in future to just say “Oh, OK, talk to you later” and just leave it at that. It irritates me that he does that tho. It’s not taking resp. for his own actions and feelings about needing space.
Another ? I’d like to ask about is that this past Fri. we were Supposed to get together, but he got sick so of course weren’t able. Later we texted and I mentioned I was going to step out for awhile and go do something. He responded with jokingly saying “What?!! calling me a “snake”. But, I could tell it bothered him once again. He knew it was with a girlfriend. Next day, , we met up to look at a job together and he was cool towards me. When I leaned it to give him a greeting kiss, he withdrew.

[DiAngelo]

Hello, We have been dating for 4-5 months only. We are both in our mid to late 40’s and both have been married before, although its been many years since our marriages ended. He shows all of the classic symptoms of being a commitment phobe, unfortunately. He came on very strong and now pulls back whenever he feels scared of the intimate feelings he has for me. He has actually admitted to the fact that he has commitment and relationship fears.
I agree that he’s also being passive aggressive in this behavior and yes, he did seem angry. But part of my confusion was why he was angry at me when he himself did the exact same thing the same day….not contacting me all day. It felt like he was perhaps picking a fight in order to create distance? My question is how do I handle it when he does that in a constructive and non combative way and not being passive aggressive myself? He will also sometimes hint that he wants to see me but will then say…”I know you’re busy.” so maybe another time. I believe this is another commitment phobic tactic he uses, to make it seem he wants to see me but in reality he’s not feeling he can let his guard down and connect at that moment in time, so he tries to put it on me. Do I address these behaviors head on and let him know how they disturb me?

[Member]

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