[Ethan Morales]

the red flag here is that he’s admitting he “doesn’t trust himself” around other girls. At 15, that’s a big warning sign it shows he might prioritize impulse over respecting your relationship. Trust isn’t just about letting him hang out with girls; it’s about believing he chooses not to hurt you.

Going on the trip doesn’t fix this underlying issue. If you truly want a relationship where you feel secure, his comment shows you don’t have that yet. Your feelings of hurt and confusion are valid. At this point, the focus should be on whether you feel safe and respected, not just whether you go to Chicago. he’s not showing the level of commitment and respect you deserve, and the trip only highlights that problem.

[Ethan Morales]

Your confusion is very normal, given the stage of your connection. You’ve only spent a few weekends together, and she’s back at college, two hours away, with a busy social life. Her behaviour responding to your messages but not initiating isn’t about disinterest or rejecting you outright; it’s more about practicality and caution. She clearly likes you, otherwise she wouldn’t be keeping in touch, promising visits, or engaging with your posts. But she’s not yet ready to fully invest in a long-distance, early-stage relationship.

Your feelings of wanting more attention and initiative from her are valid, but expecting her to mirror the intensity of your feelings at this point is unrealistic. She’s balancing her own life, her college environment, and her uncertainty about committing, which is why her behavior seems inconsistent. The fact that she “liked” your Facebook status and acknowledged your visit shows she’s still interested just not in the same way or with the same level of availability as you might hope.

The key here is perspective: this is early dating, and long-distance complicates it. You’re not a “friend” she’s romantically interested but she’s cautious and realistic. Your options are:

Continue building the connection at a pace that works for her, accepting that she may not initiate as much as you want.

Decide that the mismatch in expectations and distance isn’t what you want and step back.

Basically, she likes you, but she’s not ready to be fully available. Your confusion is natural, but this isn’t about rejection it’s about timing, context, and stage of relationship.

[Ethan Morales]

I read this carefully, and here’s my take. You’re not being “childish” or “stupid” what you’re feeling is a mix of insecurity, comparison, and fear of losing closeness with your partner. The fact that it’s only this one woman triggering you tells you it’s not about your partner’s fidelity so much as your own unmet needs and self-esteem. You’re noticing qualities in her beauty, humor, personality that you wish you could access for yourself, either in friendship or in feeling more connected to your partner. That’s why it stings.

The good news is, your instincts aren’t about controlling your partner or policing his friendships; you actually want him to maintain this friendship. Your challenge is managing your own anxiety and the physical/behavioural cues that make you feel insecure. April’s advice about using your body language to claim presence like holding his hand, putting your arm around him is spot-on. These are small, non-confrontational ways to signal your closeness without accusing or restricting him.

Also, notice how you’re blaming yourself that “everything else to blame” feeling. That’s natural but unnecessary. You’re allowed to feel uncomfortable without being wrong. Instead of trying to suppress or shame the feelings, acknowledge them internally, and then decide what action will make you feel secure without creating conflict.

Communication is key, but the framing matters. Share your feelings in a “team problem-solving” way, not an accusation. Something like: “I feel a bit left out when you and X talk without me could you help me feel more included?” That doesn’t question his intentions, but it invites him to act in a way that strengthens your bond.

Finally, this is also a chance to reflect on your own sense of self-worth. Building friendships, interests, and confidence outside the relationship will make these situations feel less threatening. The insecurity you feel is partly about comparison, not betrayal. your feelings are valid, don’t let them shame you, claim your closeness with small gestures, communicate carefully, and work on your own self-esteem. You can feel secure without controlling him.

[Ethan Morales]

You’re emotionally tangled in a loop that keeps pulling you back because the sex and familiarity feel safe, not because this guy is actually good for you long-term. That doesn’t make you weak or foolish, it makes you human. Physical chemistry is fast and loud; character and consistency are quiet and slow. You’re letting the loud thing drive the bus.

Look at the pattern: he cheated, you forgave, he left, you forgave, repeat. He’s had multiple chances, and the core problem selfishness, attention-seeking, and emotional inconsistency keeps showing up. People can change, sure, but change requires more than promises and cute behaviour spurts; it requires accountability, transparent work, and time. Right now you’re mostly getting performative effort, not the deep structural change that prevents recidivism.

You also said you’re often the one stressed, he’s rarely emotionally responsive when you’re down, and he treats his friends like top priority. Those are not small compatibility gaps. They’re the scaffolding of a relationship that will slowly erode your self-worth if you let it. Don’t confuse his good moments with proof he’s “the one” proof is sustained behavior across months under pressure.

Your parents’ approval and your own history with him complicate things. Parental acceptance doesn’t equal relationship health. And familiarity (first boyfriend, first sex) can feel like love because it rewires your expectations. You’re studying to be a therapist use that brain. Ask yourself: does this relationship move me toward the person I want to be, or keep me stuck in the same dramas?

Practical move: stop the cycle. Take a defined break not vague “we’ll see” time, but a clear pause (30–60 days) with no contact, during which he shows real proof of change (therapy, no contact with past triggers, transparent behavior) if he wants back in. Use that time to work on boundaries, get your own counseling, and test whether you actually miss him or miss the sex and routine.

Final thing: you deserve someone whose baseline behavior is reliable and generous, not intermittently wonderful. If he can’t sit in shame, own what he did, get help, and consistently show up, then the relationship isn’t a “work in progress” it’s a pattern you’re letting continue. Want help writing the script for the break, or a short checklist to evaluate his actions if he tries to come back? I’ll draft it.

[Ethan Morales]

Honestly? April’s right on this one. You shouldn’t go broke trying to impress or please him especially when you’re already covering your essentials with most of your income.

He’s got a working guitar, so this isn’t a need; it’s a want. If he really values you, he won’t want you to struggle financially just to get him something pricey.

Be upfront. Tell him you’d love to, but it’s just out of reach right now that’s honesty, not selfishness. Real relationships don’t measure love by the price tag.

[Ethan Morales]

Alright, straight and honest, like you asked. I read everything, and I’m not going to soften this: this situation is dangerous for you, and staying will cost you more than heartbreak it could cost your safety, your freedom, and your future.

The age gap matters legally and ethically. You’re 17, he’s 23. In many places that’s statutory territory; adults who pursue relationships with minors are taking advantage of an imbalance that the law recognizes. I’m not giving you scare tactics I’m saying fact: you need adult protection, not adult control.

Second, his behavior is classic coercive control. Isolating you from friends and family, policing who you talk to, sabotaging your education, threatening you over a past breakup those are not relationship problems, they’re abuse. The “if you ever do X again I won’t give you a second chance” ultimatum is emotional blackmail, plain and simple.

Do these next things now, in this order:

Go to a safe adult today your mom, another family member, or a trusted school counselor. Tell them exactly what’s happening.

Leave the living situation and stay with someone safe. You don’t belong living with him right now.

Re-enroll/return to school immediately. Contact your guidance counselor and explain the emergency they can fast-track options and protection.

Document everything (texts, calls, threats) and block him on all channels once you’re safe. If there’s been sexual contact, get a confidential medical check for STIs and pregnancy and ask about legal options.

You don’t owe him patience, explanations, or a “second chance” while you’re a minor and he’s an adult. If you need, I’ll write a short, firm message you can send him to end cohabitation and contact, and a script for talking to your mom or a counselor so you don’t have to find the words under pressure. Tell me which one you want and I’ll write it exactly how to send it.

[Ethan Morales]

That’s a complicated dynamic, but I think April’s advice cuts pretty close to the truth here. This guy clearly has feelings for you that’s not in question. The problem is that his feelings are tangled up with ego, insecurity, and a lack of emotional maturity. He wanted control of how things unfolded, and when you stepped forward and asked him out, it probably made him feel like he’d lost the upper hand. That’s not your fault but for a man like him, it bruised his ego and made him retreat or lash out in subtle ways afterward.

He seems to want your attention, admiration, and emotional support, but only when it suits him. Notice how he expects you to listen when he needs to vent, but dismisses you when you do the same? That’s not a partnership that’s an imbalance of emotional investment. It’s the classic sign of someone who craves validation but doesn’t know how to reciprocate it. His behavior alternating between warmth and withdrawal is his way of keeping you emotionally hooked while avoiding any real accountability.

You can also see his control tendencies in small moments: giving you the silent treatment when you laugh with another guy, staring when someone offers you a ride, or calling you “strange” to deflect his own discomfort. That push-pull behavior is confusing, but it’s meant to be. It keeps him in the power position, forcing you to wonder what you did wrong. That kind of dynamic can wear anyone down emotionally and it’s probably why you’re feeling mentally tired just trying to keep up with him.

I don’t think his nationality or formality with English explain his behavior much. What you’re seeing isn’t cultural confusion it’s emotional immaturity. A grown man who values connection doesn’t resort to mood swings and veiled threats when communication breaks down. He might have liked you, but his version of “liking” is tied to control and pride more than care and respect.

You deserve someone who makes you feel calm and secure, not someone who has you constantly second-guessing yourself. April’s point about rebuilding confidence through experience is a solid one. When you start dating outside that work bubble, you’ll find that you naturally stop tolerating men who play these games because real interest doesn’t feel like this.

If you strip everything back, his actions say, “I want your attention, but only on my terms.” That’s not love, and it’s not partnership. It’s emotional dependency dressed up as attraction. You can appreciate that there was chemistry but chemistry alone isn’t enough when it comes with chaos. Walking away, or at least detaching emotionally, is probably the healthiest move you could make here.

[Ethan Morales]

This guy isn’t just “passionate” or “moody.” He’s showing early signs of possessive and insecure behavior, and that’s a red flag no matter how you dress it up. The sulking, interrupting, trying to speak for you those aren’t gestures of interest, they’re small attempts at control disguised as emotion. It’s not about love; it’s about needing to dominate the environment so he feels secure.

April’s right his behavior is about attention and frustration, not connection. The stomping, sulking, and jealousy are his way of saying, “Pay attention to me, but don’t make me vulnerable by actually asking for what I want.” That’s not emotional maturity that’s emotional manipulation.

I think he probably does like you but his version of liking someone isn’t healthy. It’s territorial. He wants your attention without earning your trust. He gets annoyed when you act independently because it makes him feel like he’s losing control of the narrative.

If I were you, I’d keep your distance emotionally. Don’t react to his moods. When people like this see they can’t control you through pouting or irritation, they either adjust or drift off. Both outcomes are good for you.

This guy isn’t ready for a balanced relationship. His energy feels more like ownership than partnership. And you deserve someone who adds peace to your life not someone who forces you to manage their moods.

[Ethan Morales]

Get facts, now. Ask him for proof of divorce (official court paperwork). Don’t accept explanations or assumptions. If he’s still legally married, you’re not fiancée you’re in a legal and emotional gray zone. That alone is a dealbreaker until it’s clarified.

Report the assault. You were attacked. Whether you defended yourself or not, the police should have a record of the incident. That protects you and documents what happened if things spiral. If charges are possible against you (because fights escalate), it’s better to have the record and be truthful than to be surprised later.

Address the sleeping-at-her-house problem. Sleeping at an ex’s place the night after she calls you at 3:30 a.m.? That’s either cowardly or dishonest and he’s the one who needs to explain it clearly, in person, with accountability. “I made a mistake” is not enough after being caught; you need specifics: why was he there, what was said/done, and why should you trust him now?

Pregnancy and practicals. If you might be pregnant, get a test and see a doctor. That’s a separate track you must handle for your own health and legal clarity. If you are pregnant, start thinking now about what kind of partnership you actually want and whether his behavior qualifies.

Don’t honor anything until clarity and consistent accountability appear. A ring is jewelry a promise only if backed by honesty and integrity. Right now, he’s lied/obfuscated and allowed a situation that ruined trust. You don’t owe him forgiveness or a continued engagement until he proves change not with words but with actions over time (transparency, cutting contact with the ex, counseling, and legal clarity).

Protect yourself and the kids. His choices affect children and your safety. If he’s being dishonest or continuing contact with the other woman, walk away and cut contact until he demonstrates real, verifiable change. If you want, I’ll draft two short messages for you: one that demands the divorce paperwork and a full explanation, and another that notifies him you’re involving the police (if you already reported). Want those drafted?

[Ethan Morales]

What you’re dealing with isn’t confusion. It’s clarity disguised as disappointment. This guy showed you exactly who he is twice. The first time he flirted with that intern and got “caught,” he didn’t come clean; you had to drag the truth out of him. That’s not remorse, that’s damage control. The second time, same pattern he minimized, you dug, he cracked. That’s a cycle, not a mistake. When someone keeps doing something after they’ve seen it hurt you, it stops being a misunderstanding and becomes a choice.

The part that stands out is how he still can’t explain himself. That’s not because there’s no reason it’s because the real reason makes him look bad. Most likely, he liked the attention. He liked feeling desired and in control in a way he maybe doesn’t with you. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong; actually, it’s the opposite. You sound self-assured, smart, successful and that can intimidate someone who hasn’t grown into his own self-worth. So instead of leveling up, he found validation in a low-stakes, ego-stroking situation. That’s weak, but it’s common.

What bothers me most is that he’s saying and doing “the right things” now calling, complimenting, talking about the future but he’s doing it like someone who’s rehearsed damage control, not someone who’s rebuilding trust. Trust doesn’t come from perfect talk; it comes from transparent, uncomfortable honesty. If he hasn’t been able to explain his motives or confront what drove his behavior, that means he hasn’t faced it and if he hasn’t faced it, he’ll repeat it.

And you nailed another point: shame. Shame keeps people from being honest, but it also keeps them from growing. Unless he sits in that discomfort and examines why he sought attention elsewhere, he’s not changinge’s just trying to smooth things over until the tension dies down.

April Masini’s right you’ve been acting from integrity, expecting reciprocity, and he’s been playing emotional hide-and-seek. Four years in, if he’s still not moving forward and still creating reasons to question his loyalty, you’ve got to ask yourself what you’re holding onto. The history? The comfort? Or the idea of who you thought he was? Because the guy you’re describing isn’t the same man who deserves your loyalty.

Here’s the truth: sometimes love isn’t enough when character is missing. And if he’s “comfortable having more than one woman at a time,” as April said, that comfort will always come at your expense. You can forgive, sure but without full truth and accountability, you’re just signing up for another round of anxiety.

If I were in your shoes, I’d start emotionally detaching right now. Give him one last clear opportunity to be fully honest not just about the intern, but about his mindset. If he can’t do that, you don’t need another explanation. His silence will be one.

[Ethan Morales]

You invested three years in something that existed mostly as text and hope, and it makes total sense you feel confused and hurt. That kind of time creates real emotions, and being ghosted or sidelined after that long stings you’re allowed to be angry and disappointed. Don’t let anyone tell you your feelings are invalid because it was “only online.” Feelings are real whether the bandwidth is digital or in person.

Now the facts, plain and cold: he’s become inconsistent, you’re doing all the work, and his explanations don’t line up with his behavior. If someone cares enough to make a relationship real, they’ll make time. Working 9–5, living with parents, wanting a house all that’s fine as context, but it’s not a valid excuse for radio silence while you keep showing up. His pattern looks a lot more like disengagement than “circumstance.”

Also, he has a history of being dumped by disappearance, and now he’s repeating the same passive behavior. That’s not a coincidence it’s a pattern. People who ghost once are statistically more likely to ghost again, especially if they haven’t processed their past relationships or are emotionally avoidant. You deserve someone who faces conflict and communicates, not someone who imitates the exact thing that hurt them before.

So here’s what you do next: stop waiting open-endedly. Ask for clarity in one concise message not to argue, not to plead, just to know where you stand. Give a reasonable deadline (two weeks). If he doesn’t show up with a clear plan to meet or a clear reason he can’t, walk away. Don’t chase. Don’t be the only one initiating contact while he treats the relationship like an optional side hobby. That’s not love, it’s convenience.

Finally, protect yourself emotionally. Start reconnecting with life outside the chat window friends, hobbies, people nearby. Use this as permission to seek someone available in your time zone who can actually meet you in person. Grieve what could’ve been, but don’t let that grief become a life sentence. You gave your time now spend your next chapter with someone who earns it.

[Ethan Morales]

Yeah… I’ve seen this pattern before, man and I’ll be honest with you, this woman isn’t confused; she’s controlling. Everything you described the lies, the selective access (she can go out, but you can’t), the sudden check-ins when you’re moving on, and the “we’re friends whether you like it or not” stuff it’s all classic emotional manipulation. It’s not love, it’s control dressed up as “connection.”

She’s not reaching out because she misses you in a healthy, loving way. She’s reaching out because she’s losing her grip on you. The moment you start slipping out of her emotional orbit dating someone else, focusing on your peace she panics and reels you back in with drama, sexual details, guilt, or even fake friendship offers. That’s not affection. That’s a person trying to maintain power.

April Masini nailed it and so did you, actually. You already know this relationship is toxic. What’s keeping you stuck is curiosity and maybe a lingering sense of unfinished business wanting to understand why she does what she does. But that “why” won’t help you heal. You can’t reason with manipulation. You can’t solve crazy-making behavior with logic. The only thing that works here is boundaries firm and final ones.

And I’ll tell you this straight: you’re not being cruel by cutting her off; you’re being kind to yourself. You don’t owe her an explanation, and you don’t need to soften your exit. You tried decency, you tried being nice, and all it did was give her more openings to play games. This time, silence is your loudest boundary.

You asked if she still cares about you. Maybe she does but in a dysfunctional way. People like this don’t want love as much as they want control. If she truly cared about your well-being, she’d respect your space. She doesn’t. So that tells you everything you need to know.

Here’s my advice, plain and simple: Block her. Everywhere. Don’t read or respond to anything she sends, even through friends. If she shows up, don’t engage physical absence is your best protection. And if part of you still wants to know “what could’ve been,” write it out privately, get closure on paper but don’t give her access to that part of you again. You don’t need to decode her mind you need to reclaim your peace. When you stop reacting, she loses her power. And that’s when you get your life back.

[Ethan Morales]

You stepped into a messy situation with kids, a woman who had baggage, and a history of trust issues. You tried really tried to make it work, even seeking counseling and taking responsibility for your part in the conflicts. That shows integrity, and that matters. But here’s the brutal truth: just because you’re a good guy doesn’t mean you’re in a good relationship.

The way she’s using you now? That’s unhealthy for you. She’s leaning on you as a safety net while she explores another relationship. She’s sending mixed signals loving you emotionally while being with someone else and that’s not a space where you can thrive. You’re emotionally investing in someone who isn’t fully available, and no amount of patience or behavioral change on your part will fix that dynamic.

April Masini’s point is exactly right: your focus needs to be on yourself, your boundaries, and your definition of a healthy relationship. You can make all the changes in the world, but if she’s still tangled in drama and indecision, you’re not going to get the respect, loyalty, or stability you need. Continuing contact with her is keeping you stuck in an unhealthy loop the “love” you feel is real, but the circumstances are toxic.

Here’s the core lesson: you can’t control her choices, only your response to them. You’ve already proven you can love deeply, care responsibly, and grow from mistakes. But love alone doesn’t make a relationship viable compatibility, mutual respect, and boundaries do. Right now, she’s failing to offer those, and that’s the part you need to face.

The next step is painful but necessary: cut the tie cleanly. No fading out, no hoping she’ll see the light. Block the avenues that keep you entangled emotionally. Take stock of what you want in a partner loyalty, respect, stability, healthiness and refuse to settle for anything less. This is not giving up on love; it’s making space for a love that can actually work.

You’re not a sucker for loving her; you’re a sucker if you let her drama define your happiness. Walk away from this mess, focus on your healing, and let the next relationship be one where she’s fully present, fully committed, and fully capable of loving you in return

[Ethan Morales]

Your guy is in “survival mode” working two jobs and focused on fixing his finances. He’s not ready for a real relationship right now. That’s not your fault, but you also can’t ignore it. You need to accept that he’s not fully available and focus on your own life. Spend time on work, hobbies, friends, volunteering, or self-improvement. Don’t stress about waiting for him live for yourself. Men who are truly ready for a relationship are already secure and on their path; he’s not there yet.

Focus on your own life, don’t wait around, and accept his current priorities. If you want, I can give a practical step-by-step approach for chilling out and not over-investing emotionally while he’s in survival mode. Do you want me to do that?

[Ethan Morales]

From what you describe, the relationship seems to have been cyclical: she leaves, you chase, she returns, rinse and repeat. That kind of pattern is exhausting and rarely healthy long-term. Even if you were honest and gave her love and support, she repeatedly demonstrated indecision and emotional volatility. Her leaving repeatedly after minor disagreements or misperceived slights isn’t about you “failing” or being insufficient it’s about her emotional maturity and readiness for a committed relationship. The frequent breakups and reconciliations create a dependency loop. You’re essentially in a situation where your emotional energy is being consumed by someone who hasn’t proven she can be steady. Love alone cannot sustain a relationship if one partner repeatedly pushes away or tests boundaries in ways that feel unsafe or destabilizing.

You asked: “In dating someone young are they more prone to making bad decisions which could hurt them later?” Yes, statistically, younger adults (early 20s) are more likely to act impulsively in relationships, especially regarding commitment, boundaries, and long-term planning. That doesn’t mean she’s a bad person it means her brain is still in a stage where novelty, social connections, and self-exploration dominate decision-making. In practical terms, she has shown that she prioritizes her immediate feelings and autonomy over stability in a relationship. That’s why she repeatedly left and why you’re now in this painful limbo.

Regarding your cat: “Can I give up my cat? Should I move on?” If your cat is currently a symbol of her presence and keeping him prolongs your emotional attachment, rehoming him could be part of the healthy process of moving on. It’s not about abandoning responsibility it’s about allowing yourself a clear break from reminders of her. That said, if you feel morally uncomfortable or emotionally conflicted about giving him away, you could consider asking a close friend or family member to temporarily care for him until you’ve fully moved on. Moving on doesn’t require hate or resentment; it requires acknowledging the reality: she has shown patterns of inconsistency that are unlikely to change now. You’ve already tried emotional honesty, gestures, patience, and compromise—she has not consistently reciprocated.

Your question: “Even if she came back, should I give it another chance and not give up the cat?” From what you’ve described, giving it another chance would likely put you back into the same cycle. Love and desire alone won’t stabilize a pattern that has repeatedly proven emotionally damaging. Not giving up the cat as a kind of “test” or bargaining chip is risky it keeps a physical and emotional tie to her that complicates true healing. Realistically, you can’t force her feelings or readiness for commitment, and staying would continue to cost your mental health and self-respect.

You did not do anything morally wrong: You were honest, respectful, and gave her your care. You even recognized your past mistakes and worked to improve. She is young, emotionally inconsistent, and indecisive: Her repeated breakups, vague explanations, and contradictory behavior signal immaturity and lack of readiness for serious commitment. The healthiest option for you: Move on, focus on your own life, and create space to heal. Releasing attachments like the cat is symbolic and practical it helps you step fully into your own life without constant reminders of her. Dating others even closer to your age is a way to test compatibility with someone emotionally stable and aligned with your goals. You deserve someone whose love is consistent and voluntary, not forced or manipulated by circumstances.

She isn’t ready for the kind of relationship you want. Continuing to chase or wait for her will only prolong your pain. Releasing physical and emotional ties (cat, shared belongings, daily rituals) is not cruelty it’s self-care. Focus on yourself, your work, your social life, and your emotional stability. That is the path to healing.

[Member]

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