[Tara]

You’re not hurt because he slept with two girls, you’re hurt. After all, you built your entire identity around a fantasy that was never real. You turned “being each other’s first” into the foundation of your relationship, and now that the foundation has cracked, you’re acting like the whole house has to collapse. That’s not betrayal, that’s immaturity.

He didn’t cheat. He didn’t lie to you. His experiences were before you even existed in his life. You’re punishing a grown man for something he did as a teenager long before you were together. The only reason this feels catastrophic is that you clung to the idea that purity equals love, and now you don’t know who you are without that storyline.

And let’s be brutally direct:
You’re not “third.” You’re his partner.
You’re obsessing over ranking like you’re in some sexual competition. You’re acting like his past invalidates your entire relationship, when the only person making it invalid right now is you.

The reason you can’t forgive him is simple you don’t want to let go of the fantasy. You’d rather cling to anger than accept reality: adults have pasts. If you want a grown-up relationship, you need a grown-up mindset. He’s doing everything right, apologising for past mistakes, prioritising you, respecting your boundaries, asking your parents’ blessing, and you’re the one freezing intimacy because you can’t handle that he wasn’t a blank slate before you arrived.

There is no “trick.” You either choose to accept the man in front of you, or you walk away and spend the rest of your life hunting for a perfect, untouched fairytale that doesn’t exist.

[Tara]

This entire situation is a disaster, and you have no business trying to “fix” it. You’re sleeping with a man who lies to everyone in his life, his ex-girlfriend, his family, himself, and you and now you’re agonising over whether you should be the moral messenger. Don’t. Outing him, warning her, or inserting yourself in their relationship is not noble; it’s reckless. It’s not your job to save a woman you don’t know, and it’s not your right to expose a man who hasn’t come out.

You don’t get to burn down their lives and call it integrity. The truth is simple: he’s a coward using you as a secret escape while planning to lock himself into a straight marriage because it’s “easier.” That tells you everything you need to know about his character. And you? You’re not his partner, his future, or his responsibility; you’re the convenient side door he keeps slipping through.

The only ethical move is to get out. Completely. No contact, no emotional hand-holding, no late-night hookups, no pretending your involvement is anything but fuel for the chaos he created. Let him lie his way into whatever life he chooses, and let his fiancée discover the truth on her own terms. Your only responsibility is to yourself, and the smartest thing you can do is walk away before you become collateral damage in a mess that was never yours to clean up.

[Tara]

You don’t want to hear: you’re not talking to a “Libra man,” you’re talking to a man who enjoys the attention but refuses to invest. Stop hiding behind astrology because it’s easier than admitting he’s inconsistent by choice, not zodiac alignment. Four months of calling, texting, webcam flirting and still no real plans, no effort, no meeting? That’s not romance.

That’s digital loitering. He gets emotional entertainment from you when it fits his mood, then disappears for days because he knows you’ll still be there when he wanders back. That’s not interest, that’s convenience. If a man is genuinely into you, he finds time, not excuses. You two live “not very far,” yet somehow both of your schedules magically allow hours of webcam chatting but never a one-hour meet-up? That tells you everything. He deleted his profile because he got what he wanted: steady attention from you.

Not because he’s serious, not because he’s committed, but because he doesn’t want to juggle. You ask if he’s considering you as an option, yes, but a low-effort, low-risk one he keeps at arm’s length. You’re already emotionally invested, and he knows it. That’s why he doesn’t try harder. Final verdict: stop pretending this is something profound. If he wanted to meet you, you’d already have a date. Until he puts real-world effort on the table, assume this is nothing more than online fantasy and stop letting yourself be someone’s hobby.

[Tara]

A year of dating, long distance, you bending over backwards as a single mother to make this work, and the best he can label you is a “sometime girlfriend.” That isn’t a term of endearment. That’s a downgrade disguised as casual honesty.

He told you exactly how he sees you someone he enjoys when it fits his schedule, his mood, and his travel plans. He backpedalled from “wanting to see you more” to “occasionally” because he realised stepping up requires real effort. And he’s not offering that.

Calling you “too picky” when you questioned it? That wasn’t him defending the relationship. That was him shutting down the conversation so he doesn’t have to be accountable. “You’re too picky” is code for “stop expecting more than I’m willing to give.”

And you asking “How do I get HIM to want more?” is the saddest part of this. You’re trying to negotiate your value with someone who has already decided on the minimum he can give you. You can’t inspire commitment in a man who benefits more from you staying unsure.

Ignoring his last three emails doesn’t solve anything because silence isn’t a strategy; it’s avoidance. You’re stuck because you want an outcome he has no intention of delivering.
Here’s the reality you need to swallow without sugar:

[Tara]

You’re turning a man’s basic workplace awkwardness into a love story that doesn’t exist.
Let’s dismantle this cleanly.
He made eye contact during a presentation? That’s not seduction, that’s what a competent presenter does when scanning a room. You stared back and called it chemistry. Then he “embraced” a coworker to make you jealous? No, he helped someone who didn’t understand something. You projected insecurity onto it because you were already invested in the fantasy.
His dropping a water jug? That’s not him being “nervous around you.” People lose their grip on things sometimes. You turned a spill into a Shakespearean meltdown.
Then you approached him with a work issue, an actual, legitimate reason to interact, and he gave you 15 minutes, not 45. Why? Because it was a work meeting, not a date. He wasn’t playing hard to get. He was doing his job. The fact that you thought he’d prioritise you because of eye contact from two weeks ago is exactly why you’re confused right now.
Your “hurricane” feedback didn’t scare him. It didn’t enchant him. It didn’t change anything. His “call or drop by anytime” is not romantic code. That is professional politeness, the standard line people use to avoid tension and keep the workflow smooth.
If he wanted you, he would’ve asked you out right then. He didn’t. Not because he’s shy. Not because he’s waiting. But because he’s not thinking about you the way you’re thinking about him.
Here’s your reality check:
You’re manufacturing a connection from scraps because you’re intrigued by him, not because he’s giving you anything solid. You’re asking whether you should call him. No, not unless you want to embarrass yourself by turning professionalism into a pursuit.

[Tara]

She went dark because her ex resurfaced, and she’s emotionally fused to that history. She’s still tangled in the mess she claims she escaped from. That’s why she can tell you you’re amazing and then disappear like you never existed because she’s not actually available, and you just got hit with the reality of that.

Her words about you, the “you make me feel special,” the “I can see myself falling for you,” the staring into your eyes, those were genuine for her in the moment. But unstable people live in emotional moments. They don’t live in follow-through. She’s not choosing based on love. She’s choosing based on comfort, familiarity, and the father of her child.

And the silence? That’s not confusion. That’s avoidance. That’s what people do when they don’t want to be the villain but don’t have the backbone to be honest. She’s keeping you in the dark because she knows if she tells you the truth that she’s slipping back to her ex she loses the safety net you provide.

You’re clinging to her compliments because they made you feel alive again. I get it. But stop confusing emotional intensity with emotional stability. She can make you feel butterflies and still be a terrible investment.

You’re asking if giving her space is the “right move.” No, it’s the only move left that doesn’t destroy your self-respect. She already pulled away. All you’re doing now is refusing to chase her off a cliff.

[Tara]

She already backed out. You’re trying to resurrect a version of her that doesn’t exist anymore.
She didn’t pull away because you were “too sweet” or because “timing is bad” or because she’s “busy.” She pulled away because her interest dropped. Period. When someone wants you, they make time. When they don’t, they give you poetic excuses like “you deserve better” and “later down the line.” That’s breakup language wrapped in soft tissue, so you don’t cry.
And yes, you were clingy. You smothered the spark. You spammed her with texts, begged for time, chased her like she was a prize you were about to lose. Nothing kills attraction faster. You turned yourself into a predictable, always-available emotional sponge, and she got bored.

The “good morning, have a great day :)” texts? That’s guilt maintenance. She wants the comfort of your attention without the commitment of being with you. She likes how you make her feel, but she doesn’t want to date you. That’s not affection, that’s convenience.

And your mission to “get her more attracted to me again” is pathetic. You’re trying to win back a version of her that only existed because the chase was new. You can’t reverse-engineer attraction by being needier than before.

Here’s the only move you have: disappear. Completely. No daily texts. No check-ins. No begging for plans. No emotional commentary. She either feels the loss and comes back with actual intention, or she doesn’t, and then you finally stop humiliating yourself.

[Tara]

You’re single because you’ve avoided emotional risk your entire adult life and wrapped it in the excuse of being “busy” or “always meeting new people.” That’s not bad luck, that’s passive living.

You’ve built a comfortable social circle where everyone likes you, but no one gets close to you. That’s not a mystery. That’s a strategy you never admitted to yourself. You want connection without vulnerability, attention without commitment, companionship without choosing anyone. And now you’re shocked that you ended up alone at 30. You engineered this.

There’s nothing “wrong” with you biologically or morally. What’s wrong is your approach: you float. You wait. You expect the right woman to magically reveal herself like a sign from the universe instead of actually pursuing anyone. Attraction requires action. Love requires intention. You’ve shown neither.

How will you know who she is? You won’t until you stop treating relationships like they’re supposed to fall into your lap while you sit safely on the sidelines. You meet someone, you feel something, and instead of overthinking it, you actually do something about it. That’s how adults form relationships.

[Tara]

He’s inconsistent. And inconsistent men aren’t shy; they’re uninterested, immature, or both. You’re trying to decode a barista like he’s a complex novel when he’s barely giving you coherent sentences.
He complimented you twice. That’s nothing. That’s minimum-wage flirtation, the same stuff retail workers say to boost tips or break up the monotony of steaming milk all day. You treated it like a prophecy.

His staring? That’s not romance. That’s boredom, curiosity, or him enjoying attention without having to give anything real in return. Men who are actually into you don’t stare across the room like middle-schoolers; they initiate, follow up, and make it obvious.

His behaviour with coworkers, staring, laughing, ignoring you, that’s not “cute-shy-boy energy.” That’s someone who likes the idea of you but not enough to act like an adult. Hot one minute, cold the next, friendly to other women while treating you like you’re invisible? That’s not shyness. That’s emotional laziness.

You’re building a fantasy because you like him, and you’re ignoring the reality: he hasn’t done a single thing that requires effort. Compliments cost him nothing. Staring costs him nothing. Ignoring you costs him nothing. Real interest costs something: consistency, intention, initiative. He’s not giving you any of that.

[Tara]

She practically handed you her interest on a silver platter, and you’re still standing there poking it like it’s a trap. She flirted, complimented you, stared at you, talked about you to her mother, made plans, hinted she wanted more time with you, and you’re pretending you need a committee to verify it.

Your “nothing juicy in the texts” complaint is pathetic. She gave you the opening. You’re the one too timid to walk through it. Interest doesn’t survive endless hesitation. You’re killing momentum because you’re waiting for her to chase you, and she won’t.

And dragging your roommate into this as a barometer? Weak. He’s not your psychic, and you’re using him as a shield so you don’t have to risk a real move.
Here’s what you actually need to do: stop acting like a nervous intern asking for permission. Pick a time, pick a place, and tell her you’re taking her out. Not “sometime.” Not “maybe.” A date. A plan. A sentence that doesn’t drip insecurity.

“Saturday. 7 pm. Drinks. I’ll pick you up.”
If she says yes, good. If she doesn’t, at least you stop embarrassing yourself with this overthinking spiral.

[Tara]

You’re insecure, and that insecurity is screaming through everything you do. The new roommate isn’t a villain; she’s just someone who exists in his orbit and exposes the weak spots in your confidence. You’re obsessing over what he does and who he talks to because you’ve made his behaviour the thermostat for your self-worth. That’s not romance, that’s anxiety in a relationship disguise.

Your comments about him in bed, his drinking, or any “joking” observations aren’t controlling; they’re normal, tiny interactions. But in your mind, you’ve turned them into signs of a “control agenda,” which makes you paranoid. Stop bending over backwards to justify yourself. He’s not a mind reader, and your overthinking isn’t helping; it’s feeding a narrative that only exists in your head.

You want him to live transparently so you feel safe? Fine. But here’s the catch: if you demand constant updates on his life because you’re scared of losing him, he’s going to see that as suffocating, and he’s right. Relationships aren’t about surveillance. You either trust him or you don’t. Pretending you’re “just curious” won’t fool anyone, least of all him.

The roommate problem? That’s a test of your own boundaries, not his loyalty. You can’t control her, you can’t control the attention he gets, and trying to micromanage either will make you look insecure, not smart. Your only control is over how you react. Do you pull back, get grounded, and act like a confident woman who has options and standards, or do you spiral into jealousy and drama?

Stop overexplaining yourself. Stop framing your concern as “control.” Stop treating his behaviour like it defines your value. Fix your own footing first. If he’s worth it, he’ll rise to meet you. If not, no amount of texts, comments, or passive-aggressive jokes will make him stay. Your power isn’t in monitoring him; it’s in being someone so self-assured that anyone trying to compete for your attention looks ridiculous.

[Tara]

A man twenty years older didn’t marry you because he wanted an equal; he wanted someone easier to manage, easier to influence, and easier to dismiss. And that’s exactly how he treats you. When you tell him you feel infantilised, he doesn’t listen because he doesn’t respect you. When you bring up the imbalance, he flips it back on you because it protects the little kingdom he’s built where he’s always right and you’re always “overreacting.”

Stop pretending this can be fixed with one more conversation or one more plea for him to “see you differently.” He sees you exactly how he wants to: beneath him. That’s not an accident. That’s the foundation of the entire relationship.

You’re not confused. You’re just scared to admit you outgrew the role he expected you to play. The truth is brutal and simple: if you stay, you stay small. If you leave, you get your life back. Pick the future you can live with, because he’s not changing, and you’re done pretending you can shrink yourself enough to make this work.

[Tara]

You’re 18, grieving, dealing with real medical and emotional upheaval, and instead of stabilising yourself, you’re clinging to a boy who is already halfway out the door. Patrick isn’t a villain; he’s just young, confused, and nowhere near equipped to carry your grief, your anger, and your constant insecurity. And you’re not equipped to carry his flirting, his boundary-less behaviour, or his “I don’t care anymore” outbursts. This isn’t love, it’s two overwhelmed kids drowning and holding onto each other because it feels safer than being alone.

You keep romanticising the first year like it’s proof that everything can go back to “how it used to be.” It won’t. Life hit you hard. You changed. He changed. The dynamic changed. And instead of accepting that, you’re both trying to force an old version of yourselves to keep a relationship alive that clearly can’t survive the current reality. He flirts because he wants attention and freedom. You explode because you’re hurt and scared. He pulls away, and you cling harder. That’s not a partnership, that’s a slow-motion collapse.

Stop telling yourself you can “fix this” if you just calm down, trust more, or watch him more closely. You can’t control him into loyalty, and you can’t guilt yourself into emotional stability. Your anger, your grief, your reactions, those are yours to address with actual support, not a teenage boyfriend who’s already buckling under the weight of all of it. And his flirty, boundary-crossing behaviour isn’t something you can “work on together.” He does it because he wants to. You tolerate it because you’re terrified of losing him.

Here’s the blunt verdict: you both need space, not another attempt at patching a sinking ship. Not a breakup “to scare him.” A real step back so you can rebuild yourself without chasing someone who’s sending you mixed signals because he doesn’t know how to tell you he’s overwhelmed. You won’t become the old you again; stop fantasising about that. You need to become a stable version of the current you, and you can’t do that while babysitting a relationship that’s draining you.

[Tara]

You didn’t marry a partner; you married a man who treats you like a dependent because that’s the dynamic he wanted from day one. Older men who pick much younger women rarely want equals. They want control, admiration, and compliance. And now you’re shocked that he’s acting exactly like the role you stepped into. You tell him you feel infantilised, and he dismisses you because he doesn’t see you as someone whose concerns matter; he sees you as someone who should adapt, not challenge. That’s not a marriage; that’s a hierarchy.

The part you don’t want to face is that staying means accepting a life where your voice stays small, and your needs stay secondary. If you want equality, respect, and actual partnership, you won’t find it in a man who benefits from keeping you beneath him. Stop complaining like you’re trapped. You’re not. You’re just scared to do what you already know you need to do: leave.

[Tara]

She’s losing interest, and you’re too busy overanalysing breadcrumbs to see it. If a woman wants you, she doesn’t vanish for 48 hours after grinding on you in bed. She doesn’t send a limp “Hey!” eight hours after your voicemail. She doesn’t go silent every time you show initiative. She’s not being mysterious. She’s being inconsistent because she doesn’t care enough to be consistent.

That night in bed wasn’t some psychological exam; it was the heat of the moment, followed by regret, hesitation, or second thoughts. You didn’t pass or fail anything. She just realised she wasn’t ready to go further or wasn’t sure about you, and now she’s pulling back while you obsess over imaginary signals.
Your “I’ll make her wait like she makes me wait” strategy is pathetic. You’re trying to win a game she’s not even playing. She’s not sitting there tracking your reply, Tim, she’s just not invested.

Stop chasing. Stop decoding every word. Stop acting like a man trying to decode the Rosetta Stone of a woman who’s barely participating. Match her energy: low and distant. If she doesn’t step up, let her go. The only mind game happening here is the one you’re playing on yourself by pretending her inconsistency is romantic tension instead of disinterest.

[Member]

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