[not_a_barfly]

OK, thank you, April, for your candid response.

I still do think it may be too early for me to date, at least in the sense of integrating a woman into my life again. It is surprising to see you describe what I felt as lust, since I am convinced it is something more. What’s interesting is that if this is the case, it wasn’t just physical lust but also a kind of social lust, if you will, because I kind of marveled at the way she lives, her lack of inhibition coupled with a sweet demeanor, and maybe I wanted to be able to taste that life for myself, and she decided she won’t let me (at least with her).

By the way, I looked up a few pages on stalker behavior, and although what I did was a little obsessive for so early a point in knowing someone (we went on two dates and saw each other two other times), what I did was not really anywhere near stalking if you look at what actual stalkers do. It’s possible she was partly joking, but I don’t even want the appearance of stalking associated with me.

I understand that in any case it is best not to contact her anymore, certainly not in person and not for a good long time, mostly because if she feels like it is stalking behavior then I’d better respect that and back off. However, that last message in which she mentioned stalking is otherwise fairly sympathetic, explaining that she doesn’t hate me or anything just that she agrees with me that I am not ready to date this way, and that it is actually good for both of us, for that reason, not to be in touch. She also said possible friendship is something we can figure out in the future (if possible), not now.

I guess I find it a little frustrating because (and maybe this is just my obsessiveness speaking), I thought going into this that dating her could bring out a better side of me and of her. I thought she deserved more than booty calls, and I naively interpreted some of her behavior as somehow reciprocating my feelings. But I guess I’m being either too prudish or just not accepting that maybe she is OK with booty calls, and I’m the one who isn’t. I also beat myself up because I let it spill over into the rest of my self-esteem, and I get envious of other men who somehow do get her attention on a more permanent basis and who don’t do this much hand-wringing over winning the affection of a woman. Because I’m a little over 40, and she is in her mid-30s, I also am concerned that I am aging out of being appealing to women of her age, or maybe have been such a homebody that I sound immature in a dating situation while being chronologically older, and that must seem weird.

On the other hand, you probably would say she is in a kind of fast lane of dating and just isn’t for me, and I want her anyway, thus the friction over that is causing me pain, and I need to get past that to look for other women.

So I think I will read your book, but I’m going to need to work on other stuff in my life to make myself more interesting to the right women, and possibly even to this one if we ever see each other again and I can be more in control and less in her thrall, and I also need to find a way to lighten up on dating and not let rejection crush me. I do have a child and do not want to siphon energy away from that duty while experimenting with dating women who are far more experienced at this and don’t imbue dating with the extra meaning that I do. Because even though I am in a pity party right now, there is genuine pain that I’m feeling as well, and I would have liked not to go through this pain again so soon right after the pain of my divorce.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond. I’ll let you know what I think of the book, and how it goes if I can apply any of it in the near future.

All the best

[not_a_barfly]

Thank you April, for your reply.

Well, I tried a few more times to contact her about being friends, and she finally got back to me with a message that was actually pretty helpful and compassionate overall, but she said I was heading into stalker behavior. I explained why the first date had affected me so much (the first date part you mentioned), told her I was sorry she was starting to feel stalked, thanked her for that date and for the few moments we shared, and said Bye. I think she was right about the stalker behavior; though it was just the first couple of days of trying to contact her, it was wrong for me to do so. I should have stopped contacting her after the bar incident.

It has been so hard on me. I don’t think the greater part of my marriage’s demise was due to alcohol. But I do think I get way too emotional and unstable when I drink too much, and spill too much personal information, and my marriage left me with years of deep loneliness that are now becoming apparent to me since I live on my own. I see now what you said about the sexual interest of the girl I dated. I should have realized that but I guess part of me didn’t want to see it. And when she said she wanted to go slow, I suppose that would have been a good time for me to stop worrying about her. It is hard when the woman is so alluring and doesn’t give you a straight No. And when you start imagining her in a future that will alleviate your loneliness.

Honestly, I am back to where I was as my divorced reached its final stages — a feeling like I’ll always be alone and will never understand women. I will read the links you mentioned, but for now it may actually be a time for me to cool it on trying to date, and just try to work on myself, and possibly volunteer or do stuff to help others. This failure at relationships is killing me.

I really wanted to do the right thing in my marriage, but I realized toward the end that if there is a certain something lacking in the chemistry, it is only a matter of time before things fall apart. What is worse about my first dating experience is that I felt high passion for the first time, just with an unavailable woman. That has left me crushed and, honestly, depressed. I am worried that I could fall so hard so fast and miss so many signals. I am not interested in my usual hobbies and activities. I can’t imagine myself being interested that way with another woman since I am still hurting from this one. And I’m beating myself up for putting myself in the position where she could sort of blame the whole bad ending on me.

I guess it will be better the next time around if I pay attention. I look forward to your response when you get a chance.

Thanks,

[Member]

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