[BasketCaseCutie]

That is such helpful advice. Thank you for putting it all into better perspective. I will “try it out” and let you know how it goes. Thanks so much!!!

[BasketCaseCutie]

That is such helpful advice. Thanks for putting it all into perspective. I will “try it out” and let you know how it goes. Thanks so much!!!!!!!!!

[BasketCaseCutie]

I can identify with your problem because I live with my boyfriend who has a 7 year old girl (except I do get along with his ex-wife and she is supportive of her ex-husband’s relationship with me). You say you “don’t want a complicated life with him” but, speaking from my own experience, this will be unavoidable. If you are in love with someone with an ex-wife and a child then you have to accept the fact that your lives together will be complicated. But that doesn’t mean that you should throw in the towel. You didn’t say how long the two of you were dating before you decided to get married, but it sounds like you need to slow down and get to know each other more and try to get to know his child more. You do not need the approval or blessing of his ex-wife, and you don’t even have to have any sort of relationship with her, but you do need to form a more stable relationship with his child— BEFORE you commit the rest of your life with him because your life with him automatically becomes your life with THEM when you marry. It’s much better and healthier and more likely to work out if you have a decent relationship with the child first. That poor kid is confused as it is now, and forcing your way into that child’s life when it’s not on the little girl’s terms would be an irresponsible decision made by both you and your boyfriend.
April is the expert, so she will let you know the best way to go about this, but my advice is that you slow down, don’t get married in September and instead focus on building a stronger relationship your boyfriend and with the people who mean the most to your boyfriend and let things fall into place naturally

[BasketCaseCutie]

Thank you, this is so helpful! I will follow his daughter’s lead and talk with my boyfriend about how we can tread lightly together. I guess I am just anxious to move faster because I believe I have finally found “the one” and am even dreaming about having children with him — and at 35 years old, time is not a friend right now.

Also, I did leave some detail out for the sake of simplicity– because it really is complicated. I went to college with my boyfriend and his ex-wife, who was my old roommate and friend. The two of them often kept to themselves, but our circle of close friends from college are the same and still remain intact. It was her decision to divorce (she was having an affair), but I wasn’t close to either of them while they were married. I couldn’t make it to their wedding, but I had spent some time with them at our 10-year college reunion when they had been married for 5 years and that was the only contact I had had with them for their entire marriage. So I ran into him after they had been divorced for about a year and a half and we confessed that we had crushes on each other while in college– needless to say, we hit it off right away. All of our friends, even the ones who are closer to his ex-wife, think it’s fantastic. He told me that he had told his ex about me a couple of months into our relationship and she was fine with it. I think she didn’t feel she had a voice in this matter since the divorce (and affair) was her decision. After 5 months it was time to meet his daughter because by now she knows about me since he was honest with her about “visiting a friend in another city” to explain his occasional absences. I knew this would likely mean seeing his ex for the first time so I sent her a short email letting her know I was looking forward to seeing her again and that I hoped it wouldn’t be awkward. She was really appreciative of the note and said she was looking forward to seeing me also. Our meeting was just fine (a thousand times easier than meeting his daughter). So, even though my boyfriend and I have only seen each other about 15 times for long weekends (and a couple of almost-one-week visits), including a vacation with two other couples from college and their children, and countless hours on the phone, we are much more confident in our relationship with each other than most would in the same dating scenario.

So, in addition to having to work around his daughter’s emotional needs, I am having a hard time spending so much time away from him. I go through a roller coaster of emotions when we see each other. I go from being incredibly anxious and desperate to see him, to being in absolute heaven and elated when we’re finally together, and then lower than low and completely depressed about being alone again. And then it repeats—– over and over with no end in sight. When will it end?? Even though I know it is going somewhere, or at least am about 95% sure that it’s going somewhere, I need to have the feeling that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Else I just feel like I’m in the dark. It’s almost like being on Space Mountain in Disneyland. It’s an exhausting roller coaster ride in the dark that I just have to do something about! And I know that the reason we haven’t discussed moving yet is because we are both still stumbling through the process of “working around” his daughter. I’m not at all resentful about this. I accept it, but it doesn’t make it any easier on me.

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