[25yearslater]

Not saying anything to her was definitely the right advice. I agree that creating chaos and messing with other people’s lives is NEVER a good thing. lol I thank you for bringing me back down to earth on that, regardless of the landing.

However, The Mrs. Right thing, well there I’ll remain the skeptic. I think I’ve missed the boat on Mrs. Right, and while dating is always fine, I probably won’t anymore. Because it’s a waste of time. I’ve been doing it with people who have similar interests and circumstances as I do for 3 years now, and it is terribly unfulfilling. I’ve been out with high profile, gorgeous women. I’ve been with down to earth beauty’s, and with women so perfectly matched to my circumstances that you would think we were cut from a puzzle mold waiting to be connected. None of those people have sparked my passion. Sure I could date them, we could help each other, but to what end? In hopes that passion comes? (And as a side note, there are those of us men that find little point in passionless sex, so yeah maybe its fun for a night, but why bother? What if she likes me? – that’s just a p.i.t.a.)

I fear the kind of woman that does spark my passion, is the kind that doesn’t end up in my life circumstance. (40 years old, single with children) She is likely happily married, because someone found her and wisely kept her. She’s too smart to be where I am, or else had no control over it (very rare). This isn’t a slap in the face to divorcee’s (I am one) – it’s just a statement about the kind of woman I’m attracted to.

I’m not going to settle for what’s available and end up in the same circumstance in 10 years. This married woman is the first person to make me feel this in 25 years, and unfortunately for me, I can imagine another 25 going by until someone like her comes along again.

So I guess I’ll just be what I am…

[25yearslater]

Thanks for your advice, painful though it be. I am disappointed you didn’t post my link. I’d like to meet others who may have found themselves in this situation. May I post it in non link form?

noforbiddenfruit dot blogspot dot com

[25yearslater]

April,

I thought long about your advice and agree with it 100%. We get lost sometimes. I still need to resolve it, internally somehow, so I let out a cathartic howl with this…

[25yearslater]

Sorry for the multiple replies, I am still processing what you said…

I can assure you I would not act (physically) on my feelings for her while she is married and would not even allow for an elaborate emotionally affair. And I would tell her that if I were to tell her how I felt. Do you believe that my telling her this, could still lead to a broken marriage?

If it did, wouldn’t it be the case that the marriage was already broke??

Maybe it is different for women, but I guess I’d like to know if someone felt that way about me. This is the perspective I am coming from. Thanks for any more of your thoughts on this, April.

[25yearslater]

April,

Thank you so much for your reply. Actually, I do have a dating life. I recently dated a friend from 20 years ago, and I do meet new people frequently online. I almost always have ‘someone’ I am talking to and trying to date. (Single parenthood has its challenges, and I have my kids most of the time.)

I’ve been dating like this for 3 years. I’ve met some really interesting high quality women. However, that spark, that one I describe here, has never occurred with any of them. It’s the one wear your chest fills with breathless anxiety and you feel yourself overcome emotionally and physically.

I fought this hard. I met her a year and a half ago because our kids enjoy each other. I could hardly speak when I met her. (which isn’t usually a problem for me, have you noticed? hehe) I put it in the back of my mind, (as you have suggested, and i agree with) for a year and a half. Then recently, I spent time talking to her at a party, and realized I knew her sister’s husband fairly well, as I had worked with him 15 years prior. I was lost in conversation with her. She really is amazing. At this point, the battle was lost for me.

I agree with you, I don’t want to subject kids to pain and suffering. I was angry with my ex for putting my own children through it. But now, all of us are far better off.

I don’t know if I am trying to convince you to give me a green light. I guess my point is, I’m not a lonely desperate soul. I talk to many women. None have given me this kind of spark. Not in 25 years. That’s hard to walk away from.

[25yearslater]

Sorry to hear about your trouble. You sound a bit as I did about 4 years ago when I realized I was losing my wife of 12 years.

Having been there, I thought I’d give some of my perspective, though, with acknowledgment that every situation is different.

Despite the fact I came away with 2 incredibly awesome kids, my marriage was a train wreck from day 1. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I was out of it for 6 months. I discovered (in time) and after the marriage, that it wasn’t so much her that I didn’t want to lose, or felt love toward, it was the idea of her. The idea of the Great American marriage. Of course when you are in the heat of it, as you are now, its very hard, if not impossible to see that.

Advice? From what you describe it sounds to me that she has left you already. She is probably staying out of fear of divorce. I was blind sided by my divorce while living much as you are now. I fought to save it, to no avail. In the end however, once we got through the pain of separation, I am happier now than I have been, maybe ever. Yes, I am missing someone to share that with, beyond what you can share with your kids, but thats okay.

My point? You don’t have to give up, but you should back off. Leave her be, pursue your own interests, let her know you want to save it, but don’t throw it in her face. Go out. Make some new friends. Join a sport or something. You might want to gently suggest therapy. Tell her its worth saving and when she is ready, you are. But don’t force the issue. If she goes into it with her claws out its only going to reinforce her negative feelings toward the relationship. You have to give her big time space, and you HAVE to start preparing yourself emotionally for a separation. Don’t get taken off guard and don’t try to go to war with her. You are going to have to embrace the cheesy and frustrating philosophy – If you love something, set it free, if it returns, it was meant to be.

You don’t want to hear this, but you might consider researching divorce just to have the knowledge. If she is as distant as she sounds, don’t be surprised when she blindsides you. Be prepared. If it happens, you will maintain your sanity best, if you keep a level head, and try to work things out between you and not between lawyers. But have one lined up that is trust worthy. You’ll know a trust worthy lawyer when you are told, “You don’t want to have a judge decide these issues for you. Work it out.”

Best of Luck to you and don’t despair. You’ll find peace and happiness one way or another. It just might be disguised as something you never imagined would bring it.

[25yearslater]

okay-
Today she drew my attention to the fact she changed her hair. (like I didn’t notice instantly)

Then she encouraged me to join a local club so our kids could play together this summer. I have it bad. Am I inventing her interest in me out of desire? I have been playing it totally cool in her presence, but inside I’m on fire around her.

[Member]

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