Relationship Advice Forum with April Masini

I Bee-Lieve

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Torn between two

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  • August 28, 2009 at 10:33 am #1190
    relationshipa1
    Keymaster

    Okay, so I have been dating this person for 4 years now and I am very happy with them. I truely love him. I recently moved 2 hours away to complete school. Everything was fine until about a 2 months ago. I started having feelings for this guy a work and their pretty strong feelings. Me and my boyfriend broke up and me and the other guy started talking. We went out a few times and kissed. Somewhere in this time I releized my feelings for him weren’t as strong and that I really wanted my ex back. So I let him know this and slowly got back together with my ex. Things were good for the first week and than those feelings for the other guy came up again. I really like him and whenever I am with him I am happy but I know belong with my boyfriend. I have a good thing at home and I know I am not suppose to feel this way towards this guy. The other night he said he wanted to talk to me, he proceeded to tell me that he wanted to be the one that makes me happy and that takes care of me and than he kissed me. Part of me wants him to be that guy too and the other part … the bigger part wants to be with my boyfriend. I like him but I love my boyfriend. I am so confused. I know I shouldn’t be feeling these feelings and I don’t understand why I am. I know I shouldn’t talk to him as much, or want to be around him so much and I know I shouldn’t get jealous when he with other girls. I just dont know what to do. I am so torn between the two of them. I feel its unfair and it is starting to keep me up all night trying to figure things out. I mean I really do love my boyfriend and I know I belong with him but a part of me wonders what it would be like with this other guy and a part of me really likes this other guy. Any advice on the situation would be greatly helpful. I have never been in this situation before. I am so confused on why I feel this way and on what I should do…..

    August 28, 2009 at 5:48 pm #9967
    sep21
    Participant

    Hi Torn between two,
    Its ok to have these feelings. I see you write you should not feel this or that for the other guy, but sometimes it happens. Maybe it is your boyfriend brings out a certain something in you and the other brings out another something special in you that you like. I see you say you are in school so I assume you are young? Maybe in early 20″s or still 18 or 19. Relationships can get confusing and you are at a point in your life where you are discovering what you like and do not like. The emotions can be a dangerous thing someone once told me, so my advice is to try to think before you act. Really think. Right now you are away from your boyfriend so you will miss him i am sure, but you found an interest in someone else, and sometimes this happens. The feelings of guilt may arise and make you feel uncomfortable. This is normal. If you are confused maybe you need to take some time to concentrate on school and just be friends with the new interest for a while. If he is willing to accept that he is mature and will be willing to wait. Maybe make a list of the pro’s and con’s of both relationships. There is no hurry. You have time to think. In life even when we are married there will always be someone else that will catch our interest but does not mean we need to act on it. You should also have a talk with your boyfriend about maybe why you guys broke up in the first place, I am sure it is not all just because you met someone else , there has to be a reason why you were able to let go and admire another. Just think about this and take it slow and do not beat yourself up about it you are not a bad person for having feelings it is normal, eventually it will work out for the best. Good Luck

    August 31, 2009 at 11:42 am #9954
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    I’m not sure how old you are, but since you’re completing college, I’m guessing you’re in your early 20s. Given that’s your age, you should really be easier on yourself about your feelings. This is a great time for you to figure out what makes you feel good, secure, happy, sexual — in other words, this is a great time in your life to experiment with relationships so you know who and what you want in a long-term, monogamous relationship.

    I imagine that having been with your boyfriend for four years makes it difficult date other people, but having moved away to a different city or state to complete college sets you up for new experiences. No wonder you’re torn! And it’s understandable that you feel jealous and insecure about your boyfriend back home being with other women. The two of you are both young, not engaged, and unsure of the future together.

    My advice to you is to make a deal with yourself. Decide if you’d like to try dating — and my advice is to try it, given your age. Next understand that you’re not married or even engaged to your boyfriend back home. You have an emotional commitment to each other, but you really have to either make an overt pact that you’re going to see how things go dating other people while you’re away at school and he’s back home, or you’re going to do it covertly. In other words, either adopt a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy, make a clear policy that you’re both going to date, or be loyal and faithful to each other long distance. Other than those three options, you’re going to be confused and confusing.

    If you’re having feelings for another single guy, and you’re not committed to your boyfriend of 4 years, I’d say go for it, and continue to be vital and vibrant in your dating life, as you are in all other facets of your life.

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