[Anonymous]

So, my boyfriend and I broke up just over a month ago. It was a strange situation and we never really got a chance to talk. We’re both in our late twenties. Basically I got laid off and where I was working with him it provided housing, there was nothing else close by. He had a good job and likes where he lives. I got laid off the day I was going on vacation for a week so I took most of my stuff with me then. I’m was heading back to school in the fall anyways and had to move evenutally so moved earlier then planned. We were together for a few years and got along real well. So, I went back for a quick stop the week after my trip home to go pick up the rest of my stuff, he wasn’t there that day. I called him the next day and said I returned whatever was his and that I was in the town nearby. I was going to drive back up to see him that day but I was mad at him cause I emailed him the week before to say I was going up to pick up my stuff he if wanted to see me let me know. He never replied. Yet on the day I left for vacation he said call me anytime and we’d pretty much broken up, he said to keep him updated on what I wanted to do. We both new before I got laid off that our relationship would have to end, we wanted different things in the end. So, I called him the day I after i picked up my stuff anyways to let him know I was in the town closest to him and since I didn’t hear back from him I wasn’t going to stop up for a visit. We talked for about five minutes, then I said I had to go and he said okay, see you around. Here’s my problem. He said before he wanted to stay friends. I said okay but you can’t call and email me everyday. So, heres the thing. I emailed him once since I”ve gone to pick up all my stuff, just over a month ago. I just wrote about small talk, nothing relating to us. He hasn’t replied. Yet, he hasn’t taken me off his facebook. I wrote on that once too just commenting on a picture saying it looked cool and asked how to do something in it. No response. But yet he’s still on my facebook, hasn’t deleted me. I know it’s not easy to stay friends with someone when you break up but yet he was the one that said to call him anytime. I’m guessing he needs more time but it hurts that he won’t answer me. I’m tempted to email him one more time just to say that I would appreciate a response and that if he really cared about me at any point he would reply, even if just to say it’s too hard to talk, I don’t want to be friends or anything really. Just wanted someones opinion as to if I should…

[Ask April Masini]

Actions speak louder than words and although I know you’re harboring the hopes that you and your ex-boyfriend can be friends post-break up, it’s not really what he wants. You’ve already tried to contact him a handful of times — stop now. It’s enough. If he wants to get together or check in with you he knows how to do it. If he doesn’t keep in contact it’s because he doesn’t want to — and you’re trying to bend the truth because he said he wanted to be friends when the two of you broke up. People say things to try and avoid conflict or bad feelings in one person or the other, but it doesn’t mean that they mean what they said or that they haven’t changed their minds. Your boyfriend doesn’t mean what he said. He doesn’t want to be friends. You’re reading way too much into his keeping you on as a Facebook friend. Forget it.

Move on. Your life will be all the better for having done so. I promise.

[Anonymous]

Thanks April. That’s what I thought, I should just leave him alone. The only reason I thought about emailing him again was because all of my friends keep saying I should. When I last spoke to him he also did say to call him anytime and I said “I won’t”. I just hope I didn’t hurt him too much by saying that. But, as you said he knows how to contact me and I honestly hope one day he does….not to get back together but just because I’ll always care about him a lot.

[Ask April Masini]

I knew you knew what to do!! You just needed me to jog your memory a little. 😆 I’m glad I was able to help.

Remember what I said: Actions speak louder than words. While he may have said, Call me any time, he may not have meant it, and his lack of interest in your life sure isn’t inviting your calling him. I think it was a throwaway line — something he said to avoid conflict and try not to hurt your feelings in the short term, but not a genuine invite. In other words — a white lie. Let it go.

Stop worrying about whether or not you hurt his feelings — feelings are supposed to get hurt in a break up. If they’re not hurt, there was nothing there. He’s a big guy and he’s going to fine — as are you. But in order to do so, you have to let him go altogether, and move on on your own. 🙂

[Anonymous]

So, he just msned me to say he wanted talk/call me tomorrow. Asked me for my phone number and said we’ll talk soon. I gave to him but to tell you the truth i’m still pissed at him for ignoring me for so long without even saying he needed his space. Why should I make it easy for him to talk whenever he wants to? He never wanted to talk when I did. Would it be wrong to email him back and just tell him not to bother. I think I’m just not going to answer the phone if not. I know it’s childish but it goes both ways and why should he always get to choose, not me?

[Ask April Masini]

I’m glad that you’re processing your feelings and coming to a good conclusion. Sometimes it takes a little time to figure out what you really feel is best for you once the emotional dust settles.

My advice is not to e-mail him and tell him you changed your mind about his calling you. Just don’t answer the phone when he calls, and don’t call back. He’ll get the message eventually. He may call a few times because he’ll be a little confused that you gave him your phone number, that’s okay. Relationships can be confusing and require space and understanding.

Also, by not picking up or returning his calls, you’ll allow yourself more distance between the two of you, and more space to clear your mind and continue to figure out and act on what’s right for you.

You’re doing great. Keep going. 😀

[Anonymous]

So, he never ended up calling. I know I said I wasn’t sure if I actually wanted to talk to him when he called and that I didn’t really want to talk to him but at the same time why ask for my number and say he wanted to catch up and then not call? I get it actions speak louder then words and yeah he didn’t call. But, really he was the one that began our two second chat last week not me, and he was the one that said he wanted to call and catch up, not me and he was the one that said he’d call. I never promised any of this or started it. I just don’t get why he’d mess with my head for two seconds and then take off again?

[Ask April Masini]

It’s not about you. He didn’t intentionally “mess with your head.”[i] He[/i] was confused, or [i]he[/i] changed his mind, and [i]he[/i] figured things out for himself in his own way and in his own time. I know you don’t like it, and you’re looking for loopholes, as if this was a legal agreement that can be salvaged by a judgment, but it’s not.

Start looking forward towards your new life without him … and make space for a real Mr. Right to come along and find you. 🙂

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