[birdsnest]

Hello there…

Thanks for setting this up by the way, very glad to have a safe place to talk.

I met someone four years ago and I’ve always had feelings for them but I ignored them until 3 months ago.
Er, the difficulty is I may have dated their brother for three years.

I mistook friendship and affection for love. I do really care about my ex but on reflection only as a friend….when I started dating him I was quite lost and lonely, he took care of me in a way that I was looking for and I was all cut up about a past relationship.

Over the summer I realized that the things that put me off going out with his brother initially, were actually the things that made us more situated to one another. That being, we are both independent and strong willed, if a little argumentative. My relationship was not working because my partner is immature and quite dependent. He avoids confrontation and felt ‘trampled on’ by my assertive nature. The brother is sociable, diplomatic and level headed. He’s a bit of an alpha male but likes cooking an art and is intellectual. Anyway I reflected on my friendship with his brother and it kind of hit me that I’ve always had very strong feelings for him and just called him a ‘very close friend’ instead of admitting to myself I was kind of crazy about him. I will admit that I partially stayed with his brother for as long as I did because I was scared that we would loose touch if we split up.

When I met him I remember feeling both very attracted but also a bit scared by him, he reminded me of parts of myself that I wasn’t comfortable with…in that he is the same, sometimes he reminded me a bit of my dad (because he is so smart) and he seemed to know me very well…it freaked me out a bit. I just buried my feelings. I think he used to feel the same way, we held hands once. I let go. I think he was upset when I started dating his brother

I haven’t any real idea if he feels the same way…my gut feeling says that maybe he does but I can’t really say why I think this. Sometimes I feel like I’m about to burst because I just need to tell him but I know its really inappropriate right now. I think about the way he treats me and he does make me feel special and cared for but I have no basis of comparison…does he treat everyone like that?

I met the brother last week -we live in different cities at the moment, we have done for three years now but have managed to see each other fairly regularly….he doesn’t seem to pass up a chance to spend time with me. And I would travel any distance to spend time with him…Anyway it was really great, I opened up to him about some personal stuff I’m going through…those few hours were just not enough time! It blew any fears that we would loose touch away.

I feel elated and heartbroken all at the same time. Its so weird.
Everyone thought I was heartbroken because I had split with my boyfriend but really I was heartbroken because I realized I am in love with his brother. Wary of talking to my friends about this because I don’t want gossip going around, this information could be very damaging.

Even if I hadn’t dated his brother…how do you tell a close friend of years and years that you’re in love with them?!
But I did date his brother….I feel awful for it. I don’t want to be a ‘homewrecker’ but I can’t get this guy out of my head, I don’t think my feelings are going to go away easily. Ignoring them for the past four years hasn’t worked.

Many thanks for time.

-B

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good question! 😉

First of all, you’re not dating either one of them right now, so you’re not doing anything wrong if you let the brother you haven’t dated, know you’re interested — but the way you do it is important. Do NOT initiate “a talk” about your feelings. Instead, flirt with him in a way that lets him know you’re interested. Let it be his idea to date you — if he decides he wants to. This way, you’re 1) letting him be the guy who loves to chase women (that goes for all men, not just this one!) and 2) you’re not creating an awkward situation by confessing your feelings and then finding out he’s not interested, or he would never date you because you dated his brother. By flirting with him, you’re putting it out there without spelling it out, and you’re not making him answer a question about his wanting to date you, that might put both of you in an awkward situation.

Second, if he does decide he wants to date you and the two of you go forward with this, it will be awkward, but it isn’t wrong. You didn’t cheat on the brother. And the brother could just as easily start dating your sister (if you have one), and that would be a similar situation that while awkward, isn’t wrong, either. But cross that bridge when you come to it. For now, let him know you’re interested by dialing up the flirtation so that the dynamic between the two of you changes without you’re spelling out your intentions. 😎

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[birdsnest]

Thanks for that.

I feel better for having got it off my chest. ^_^

Thanks for the practical and straightforward advice.

-B x

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 😀 😀

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

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