[c-less]

first of all, I’ve always been this lone wolf cynic and I never cared too much for social interaction, which might explain my…ignorance(?). I’m changing this though, but i’m at a loss.

Okay so here’s the situation. I’ve met this person on a forum about 6-7 years ago when I was about 16, we started talking, added each other (and other members of the forum) to MSN, Myspace, .. the likes, making ‘friends’ online, yadayada
So we talked like normal “internet friends” do for a while, joking, talking nonsense, …
Every now and then we had a fight/argument and we didn’t talk for months, years even, or I could just not log on for a very long time and kinda forget all about it, for no apparent reason. Just like that, *poof* gone.
And months later, one of us would drop the other a message and we’d start talking again until we kinda… i dunno, burn out and it starts right back from the top.

We chatted on and off for these last few years, it even evolved to sexting/cybersex at times.
Now, we have never met in person up until now. We did talk about it in the earlier years but me being a lone wolf and trusting no one at all, I laughed it off and it never got any more serious than that, and this two or three times. Our conversations have always been teasing, fun, nonsense, flirting, sharing music, movies, the likes.

Now we’ve been talking again for a couple of months, but if feels different.
She’s in her last year of college, and says she plans to move to another country after graduating (we were never in the same country to begin with, btw), she says she’s gonna get married and she has a boyfriend, that stuff, but…

She tells me she doesn’t want to get married to her bf, or to move to that specific location, …, ie. she wants something else in life, but it’s obvious to me that she wants to keep this to herself as much as possible but then why would she share it with me?

She never talks about her boyfriend (not at all), she *always* initiates contact (Skype(video)/texts). She’s overly generous with compliments and we’re *always* flirting, but we do have… somewhat serious and even philosophical conversations every now and then.
Occassionally she sends me pictures of her or asks for a picture of me, and she returns the favor if I do send her one. (none sexual).

When we got talking again this summer I mentioned occasionally visiting a certain city. As it so turns out she and one of her friends have been wanting to go there this academic year, too, so we agreed we’d meet up there. She practically made me promise to have sex with her when we’re over there. We’re still chatting, Skyping (I got over my trust issues :p), texting. And she sends me (sexual) messages most girlfriends wouldn’t even send to their boyfriends after they have become wife and husband. On top of that she calls me sweetheart, cupcake, and other terms of endearment. She’s usually very sweet when talking in a way that you normally don’t talk to friends.
I have the feeling we’ve grown pretty close, in a very complex and layered yet entertaining way.

Sometimes when she’s out (as in going out), she spends her entire evening texting me. Texts of which I have no clue why they are sent in the first place (one night for example she texted me she got lost and this happened again some weeks later, but when I asked her about it later she did not want to talk about it. Not at all. Except to tell me she didn’t got lost, she had a “darker mental moment” (two, actually) which could/would be “embarassing” and that she wasn’t drunk. Whatever that means?). Or texts that are just… out of it.
We Skyped again a couple of days back and I noticed she stares at the screen for a couple of seconds every now and then, touching her neck, playing with her hair, leaning in to listen when Skyping, even if she’s wearing earphones, laughing at my lamest jokes,… textbook stuff according to some, and then she ‘snaps back to reality’.

Last week she sent me a package with some stuff she wanted to give me (she hates the shampoo i’m using and sent me samples, she wants me to pick my fav and send me a bottle. And a magazine about something. And a goodie she got at an expo). How does one react to that?

I really don’t know how to go on with this. I really like her and care about her, of course she has her flaws (and not just one), but she’s worth taking every one of them. And actually I’m trying to define (to myself) our ‘relationship’ as a friendship and try to keep it there but it’s hard, so hard. I feel like we’re kinda running in circles and sometimes I just want to slap us both in the face and make us realize it. We’ve been talking for a long time, and I’m fairly sure I have recognized the same feeling in her at times: not knowing what to do with all this, mostly because neither of us has a clue of what the other is thinking about it.
I’ve tried to lure something out but we just fall into another flirting routine every time we’re moving in the direction of the subject. I should know better though, subtle hints never worked on myself and I’m using them now. I try to make myself come off as the cool “just-a-friend-with-benefits” guy but I don’t get that impression from her, she’s acting more like we’re in the starting days/weeks of a relationship but we’re not calling it a relationship yet, feel me?

I don’t want to lose her as a friend. But it’s eating me up from the inside and I want to move on. She’s one big mystery when it comes to what she really wants.

[AskApril Masini]

I understand what you’re talking about when you write in your title to this post that you’re clueless as to how to deal with this. But what you’ve given me is a description of what’s going on, and your feelings of confusion. What you haven’t told me is what you want. 😉 When you know what you want, I can help you better, but right now, you’re not really clear about a direction — whether you want to date her, play the field, not date her, etc. Let me know what YOU want to do, and then I can help you better.

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[c-less]

What I want to do?[i] Dating her[/i], to me that sounds like the best thing that could happen, so if I could have my way, that would be it.

Although I like to keep both my feet on the ground and not get my hopes up, which is why I’ve been trying to keep my cool and treat her like I would any other friend when we’re talking, but with sweet talk, compliments, the occasional sexual innuendo and sometimes a term of endearment thrown in, which I’ve been stepping up a bit very recently to try and get a reaction.

Funny, today we were talking and we hit the subject of me not being good at getting subtle hints and messages. She “[i]begged to differ[/i] 😉“

But just finding out what she [b]really[/b] wants, actually, would be a great help in itself

[c-less]

I wanted to add this, too:

She called me on skype last night around 22h to talk a bit, and we did. She seemed fairly happy and content. So about 40 mins into the conversation I got a text from someone asking if they could come over, of which I informed her. She replied jokingly insinuating she thought it was a booty call. I waved it away but didn’t confirm nor deny her suspicions. The conversation went on until she suddenly let me go to be with my company (which arrived seconds later). So today she texts me she got a really shitty night and cried for a couple of hours before putting on a movie and falling asleep, but that’s it. Asked her about why, didn’t want to talk about it. I’m not gonna drag it out of her so I didn’t insist.

Am I seeing things? Or could she be upset because she thought it was a booty call? Mind you she was very happy and lively before we ended the call… For now I’m assuming she got bad news from someone else or something, or maybe she just felt kinda down. I mean, I don’t think she expects me not to see other people as long as we’re living 1000 km away from eachother?
Although I’m seriously doubting that now.

[AskApril Masini]

Great! So if dating her is what you want, then the next thing for you to do is to ask her out on a date. 😉

Since you’re in two different countries, my advice is that you plan to travel to where she is, find a friend to stay with, or get a hotel, and take her out to dinner on a real date, and spend some time with her after that — on a series of dates!

I hope that helps.

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[c-less]

I guess I’ve known all along but just needed to hear it from someone else. Thank you, very clear and straight to the point, it helps.

[c-less]

Any suggestions, though?

She’s always kinda jokingly inviting me over (and I do it too, sometimes) so last time I told her that the next time she’d do that, I actually would come over. She jokingly asked me replied with “why, do you really wanna fuck that badly? 😀“, to which I said I don’t need to go that distance to fuck (might’ve wanted to pick my words more wisely?). She then told me she’s been wanting to visit my country for years that she “didn’t realize i had similar feelings about hers”. Almost immediate responses (just to say that she didn’t take 5 minutes to think about what she wanted to say, this whole thing was over in 3 minutes.
I tried to save the day by telling her that I have been wanting to visit her country for some time, but mostly to show that she should be careful what she asks for, because it just might happen ‘ 😉 ‘ (poor choice of words again?), before changing the subject.

But this totally left me in the dark. Like.. was this her getting into her shell? Is she even into me?
She’s physically attracted to me, of that I’m sure. That doesn’t interest or help me a lot at the moment.

So the day after (today) I took some distance. No virtual snogging, sweettalk, the usual, just like ‘normal’ friends would text (which, in my terms, is dialing it down immensely). . And I deliberately turned off my phone most of the time today so we exchanged maybe a quarter of the amount of messages we usually do. She tried everything though.
And now I can tell from the ‘tone’ of her messages/chats she’s kinda upset about something…this?
On top of that her laptop just got fixed today after being at the shop for a week so we’d finally be able to chat again but I met up with friends tonight, exactly to have an excuse for not having to talk to her. It’s mean but I needed to get her out of my head for a while.
I got a week off next week, needed a vacation, had the idea of going there and following your advice… didn’t think the rest of it through because I tried figuring out how she’d feel about that first and for that I’ll refer to the first part of this post. Yet another time I told her (after a joke-invite) she shouldn’t freak out if I actually would one time and she said she wouldn’t.
Confused much?
She’s usually quite busy in the evenings so surprising her is not really an option and I’m afraid that would come off as creepy/freakish anyway…

[AskApril Masini]

I’m not sure what you want suggestions about — all you have to do is ask her out. 😉 It’s pretty simple, but you’re complicating things for some reason. 😕 Ask yourself why you don’t just ask this woman out on a date, if that’s really what you want. 😐

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[c-less]

So I did and I almost could hear her scream of excitement all the way over here, by figure of speech. Silly me, worrying about what she’d think of it.

Thanks again.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome! 😀

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