[ShaiBasli]

Hello April,

How can I tell the difference between a woman playing me and a woman that likes me but can’t have me?

I keep getting those feelings towards a married colleague I’m attracted to. We are supposed to be friends but I like her. What is confusing me is that she knows that I like her, yet she is not stopping me. She allows me to get close to her but she is not so open to me and is always cautious when talking to me. I thought she might be doing this to keep a good working relation and that’s why I tried many times to stop our friendship with a clear statement that this will not affect our professional relation. This never worked. We keep getting back to the same point, very cautious friendship.

Sometimes I get the feeling she is playing me because she likes the attention I’m giving to her which makes me feel terrible and sometimes I feel that she likes me but being cautious because she is married. In both cases it won’t make a big difference I guess but at least I need to know if I’m being played.

Thank you.
Shai

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When you’re being played, it usually means that someone is duping you or taking something from you in exchange for a promise that isn’t going to be fulfilled. For instance, if she told you that you’re the only guy she’s dating, but she’s seeing other men on the side, then you’d be played. Or if she says she’s in love with you, just to get you to buy her things, and then it turns out she isn’t in love with you, she’s leaving, and keeping the things. Being played has to do with someone not being truthful with you.

So, that said….I’m not sure what it is she’s getting from you, that makes you think you’re being played. ❓ So, the answer to your question is that I can’t see how it is you’re getting played, so, no, you’re not.

Fill me in if I missed something

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[ShaiBasli]

Thank you April.

I’m very confused about this to the point of not being able to make a decision. Sometimes I’m so pissed to the point of wanting to stop our friendship later on I feel she might be correct in setting some limits to protect her marriage. Problem is that both ideas feel so real at a certain point so I don’t know which feeling to follow.
Basically, its about her approach to me. She is kind of keeping a slightly open door. Its not real open and its not closed. She accepts being a friend yet she is not open and is very cautious when dealing with me. She knows that such behavior annoys me but seems unwilling to put any effort in trying to change
I feel played because she accepts our friendship but doesn’t act as a real friend. In my opinion, friendship takes openness and communication and if she is unwilling to do that she shouldn’t accept it. Therefore, I feel that she wants to keep me around and run the relationship as she likes.
Some other times I feel its ok because its impossible to keep attraction off such relations. Therefore, I feel she is setting her limits and is trying to protect it.

I already talked to her about this and as a result she became more cautious and closed.

Which of the two situations is true and what to do about it?

Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that my prior advice didn’t help, so I’m going to try and break it down for you here. Maybe this will be better for you. 🙂

[quote]I’m very confused about this to the point of not being able to make a decision. [/quote]

You’re not confused. You’re angry that she’s not behaving the way you want her to. 😥 You’re not able to make a decision because you don’t like the choices. And that’s because she isn’t behaving the way you want her to. 😉 When we don’t have choices we like, it’s hard to choose.

[quote]Sometimes I’m so pissed to the point of wanting to stop our friendship later on I feel she might be correct in setting some limits to protect her marriage. [/quote]

You’re not friends. This isn’t friendship, that you’re describing. That’s the crux of the problem. She’s married. She has a husband. You want her to behave as if she’s a single woman, but that’s not the reality. If you can accept her marriage, and realize this isn’t a friend of yours, you may have an easier time of things.

[quote]Problem is that both ideas feel so real at a certain point so I don’t know which feeling to follow.[/quote]

I’m not sure which 2 ideas you’re talking about…..

[quote]Basically, its about her approach to me. [/quote]

She hasn’t approached you inappropriately, so I’m not sure why you feel her approach is a problem. 😕

[quote]She is kind of keeping a slightly open door. Its not real open and its not closed. [/quote]

I know that’s how you feel — but you haven’t described anything that’s out of line. I don’t know what you mean, specifically, when you say that she’s keeping the door “slightly open”. What does that mean? From you described, she’s been appropriate and cordial. Maybe you haven’t articulated this to me, but I don’t see her leaving the door “slightly open”.

[quote]She accepts being a friend yet she is not open and is very cautious when dealing with me. [/quote]

That’s because she’s married. When you accept this, you won’t feel so troubled. 😉

[quote]She knows that such behavior annoys me but seems unwilling to put any effort in trying to change [/quote]

It’s not her job to change. You’re pointing fingers instead of taking responsibility for your part in the relationship. If a married woman is annoying you because she’s cautious around you, that’s just her respecting her marriage. I think you maybe expecting more than is realistic from her, and it’s your opportunity to adjust your own expectations. There’s no reason for you to be annoyed if she’s cautious. 😉

[quote]I feel played because she accepts our friendship but doesn’t act as a real friend. [/quote]

She’s not your real friend. And you’re not being played. You’re expecting behavior from her that is inappropriate. This is your chance to change your expectations and your behavior.

[quote]In my opinion, friendship takes openness and communication and if she is unwilling to do that she shouldn’t accept it.[/quote]

Right — which is why she’s not your friend. 🙂 It’s time for you to accept this.

[quote]Therefore, I feel that she wants to keep me around and run the relationship as she likes.[/quote]

You’re not a victim. You’re not being forced to be around her. You’re CHOOSING to stay. My advice is not to. 😉

[quote]Some other times I feel its ok because its impossible to keep attraction off such relations. Therefore, I feel she is setting her limits and is trying to protect it. I already talked to her about this and as a result she became more cautious and closed. Which of the two situations is true and what to do about it?[/quote]

You’re not friends. That’s true. And she’s not acting inappropriately. That’s true. My advice is that you move on and find friends who are not married women, and who return friendship in the way you want.

I hope that helps!

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[ShaiBasli]

Thanks again April.

I truly appreciate your support. it really helps getting back on the right track.

I have to admit, its really difficult to express my feelings the correct way. I truly feel unable to describe my problem properly. Each time i read my posts I feel that I missed many important details.

Please allow me to reconstruct my questions. I would like to ask few questions that might help me find my way in my situation:

– Why would a married woman keep contact with a person that shows attraction signals to her? in my case its contact through daily private chatting.
– Why would a married woman accept chatting with a person that asked her to improve her communication or leave? She never even tried to change though.
– Why would a married woman accept re-chatting with a person that ignored her for a long period without even asking why?
– Why would a married woman give excuses to her annoying behavior and continue with the same behavior?
– Why is she much more open in personal communication than chatting?
– Why does she refuse stopping chatting?
– Why is she much more cautious in presence of other people?
– Why does she refuse a clear request of stopping the whole personal relationship while maintaining a good professional relationship?

I tried summarizing all questions that continuously come to my mind hopping you can answer it through your experience so i might find my way from your answers.

Thanks again for your effort and time.
Shai

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]– Why would a married woman keep contact with a person that shows attraction signals to her? in my case its contact through daily private chatting.[/quote]

Because it’s not a big deal. Lots of people are attracted to each other, but it doesn’t mean that they act on it. Being attracted to people is very normal and human.

[quote]– Why would a married woman accept chatting with a person that asked her to improve her communication or leave? She never even tried to change though.[/quote]

Maybe she’s used to being treated poorly, or has low self esteem so that when you tell her to improve her communication or leave, she thinks it’s normal. Or, she may not consider your request a serious one. Or, she may think your request is not important, so she ignores it.

[quote]– Why would a married woman accept re-chatting with a person that ignored her for a long period without even asking why?[/quote]

Because she doesn’t care that she was ignored. Or she didn’t realize it. Or it’s not an issue for her.

[quote]– Why would a married woman give excuses to her annoying behavior and continue with the same behavior?[/quote]

Because she would rather continue with the behavior than change it. She feels that her excuse is an explanation to help you understand.

[quote]– Why is she much more open in personal communication than chatting?[/quote]

I’m not sure if you’re referring to online chatting or just chatting around the office. Maybe you can be more specific and I can answer your question when you are. But for now, most people are more open in face to face personal communication because there are so many more social cues that can be used to better express and articulate feelings and points of view. If you’re talking about online chatting, most people use that for quick fill-in conversation. Not important contact.

[quote]– Why does she refuse stopping chatting?[/quote]

Because she likes chatting, and you continue to engage her, so she’s getting positive feedback in your engagement.

[quote]– Why is she much more cautious in presence of other people? [/quote]

Because she doesn’t want others to get the wrong idea that she’s interested in you as anything more than a work colleague, because she is married.

[quote]– Why does she refuse a clear request of stopping the whole personal relationship while maintaining a good professional relationship? [/quote]

It isn’t clear that you actually have a personal relationship. Do you see each other outside of work on a regular basis? Because that would be personal. It seems that you just see her in the office. If I’m wrong, fill me in a little more.

Anyway, I hope that helps!

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[ShaiBasli]

Thanks April,

Getting a second opinion is always very helpful. So, i really much appreciate your support and effort.

in fact, I’m interested in finding a way out of this maze. I would like to get more attention from her or end this whole situation. Many times I feel I’m wasting my time and effort in an endless path.

I’ve tried many times to tell her that I’m not satisfied with how things are going. yet, its obvious she is unwilling to give more.
She is a person i chat (online) with every day. She is a person I have to deal with every day. Confronting her didn’t work, ignoring her didn’t work either. Can you advise me on any practical techniques that can end this.

Best regards,
Shai

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re making this [i]way[/i] more dramatic, in your head, than it is in reality. 😕

She’s married. You want more attention from her than she’s giving you. And because you’re not getting it, you think that by telling her you’re not satisfied, she should change her behavior. 😯 She’s not, and you’re feeling rejected, but because you don’t want to see yourself as rejected, you’re pretending that she owes you a change in behavior and that this is somehow her fault. 🙄

Why not just look for someone who’s single? 😉 You’ll have a lot better chance of getting the attention you want that way. 😀 Stop wasting your time by chatting online daily with a married woman who has friend zoned you. 🙂

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[ShaiBasli]

Hi again,

Frankly speaking, I have no problem being rejected. A clear rejection is something I’m looking forward to. At least that would be a clear answer that would comfort me. To me giving reasons for her behavior is never a rejection but an attempt to keep things going.
As i mentioned earlier, I’ve suggested many times stopping all personal communication without any effect on the professional relation . This is my goal at this point.
Unfortunately, she is always rejecting this. I recently asked her to stop our daily chatting because I don’t like how its going. I always expected her acceptance. This never happens. She always refuse such suggestions for a reason I don’t know.
A person who is not interested would use any chance to end such confusing relationship. Many times I was even harsh in my suggestions. Yet, its the same some none sense reasoning and no actual change.

Why is she so much interested in keeping none business communication but at the same time is unwilling to give more? It should be that she wants a personal relation or not. Not having it should be pretty much easy. Its a simple one time rejection that can be easily justified and I guess I made it easy for her with my suggestions. Wanting a personal relation takes more effort from her side and she should be able to judge if she wants to do it or not. Why is she always in between? And again how can I get a clear answer from her?

Tanks.
Shai

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]Frankly speaking, I have no problem being rejected. A clear rejection is something I’m looking forward to. At least that would be a clear answer that would comfort me. To me giving reasons for her behavior is never a rejection but an attempt to keep things going. [/quote]

You don’t always get what you want in life, and just because [i]you[/i] want a “clear rejection” doesn’t mean you’ll get what you want. Sometimes you have to accept the way life rolls — especially when you’re asking for something from someone else. 🙂 This happens a lot in break ups when one person wants closure, because they don’t like the way things ended — but they don’t and won’t get what they want, and it’s their job to accept what they have. Same goes for you! 😀 My advice is to acknowledge that you’re asking her for something and not getting it, and staying engaged because you don’t want to walk away. In addition, there is nothing for her to reject. You didn’t ask her out on a date, so she can’t reject you. 😀

[quote]As i mentioned earlier, I’ve suggested many times stopping all personal communication without any effect on the professional relation . This is my goal at this point. Unfortunately, she is always rejecting this.[/quote]

It’s not her job to stop personal communication — it’s [i]yours[/i]. 😉

[quote] I recently asked her to stop our daily chatting because I don’t like how its going. I always expected her acceptance. This never happens. She always refuse such suggestions for a reason I don’t know. [/quote]

[b]YOU[/b] are the one who has to stop — not her. It’s [b]YOUR[/b] job to stop chatting if you want it to end. 😉

[quote]A person who is not interested would use any chance to end such confusing relationship. Many times I was even harsh in my suggestions. Yet, its the same some none sense reasoning and no actual change.[/quote]

YOU have to stop pointing fingers at her. YOU have to stop chatting with her if you want the chatting to stop! 😉

[quote]Why is she so much interested in keeping none business communication but at the same time is unwilling to give more? [/quote]

Because that’s what she wants.

[quote]It should be that she wants a personal relation or not. [/quote]

That’s your opinion — but it’s not hers. She gets to live her life the way she wants to, as do you! 🙂 Just because you feel she should act a particular way doesn’t mean she will.

[quote]Not having it should be pretty much easy. [/quote]

Then why don’t you stop engaging her?

[quote]Its a simple one time rejection that can be easily justified and I guess I made it easy for her with my suggestions.[/quote]

Right — so YOU need to be the one who stops, not her. Time to take your own advice.

[quote]Wanting a personal relation takes more effort from her side and she should be able to judge if she wants to do it or not. Why is she always in between?[/quote]

Because she wants to be. Why are you in between?

[quote]And again how can I get a clear answer from her?[/quote]

You can’t get what you want. She’s been clear with you — you don’t like her response. Time for you to move on. 😉

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[ShaiBasli]

Thanks April.
I think you are correct. We can change ourselves but not others. Things are how they are and I don’t expect any change. I guess I’m gone have to decide whether to accept things the way they are or stop it.
In order for me to make the right decision it would be helpful to get your opinion about how things are to her. I know I’ve already asked many of the following questions but I need your analyses of how things are to her rather than to me.
– How does she feel about about a person that is approaching her for a personal relation while she is married? Does she feel its something exciting and desirable or something she has to cope with to keep a good professional relationship?
– Does she feel guilty for allowing a man to chat with her on daily basis or is it a way to boost her ego?
– What are the chances she informed her husband about this person trying to approach her for a personal relation?
– Does she like me or only trying to be nice?
– Is she allowing me to approach her because she feels she can control me or because she likes me?
– Would such a person be unsatisfied in her marriage?
– How would she feel about stopping personal communication from my side? is it a relief or a loss? Would she reconsider her approach or won’t any difference?
– Is she confused or already decisive about any personal relation? Is there anything I can do to get her to be more open?

Thanks,
Shai

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]– How does she feel about about a person that is approaching her for a personal relation while she is married? Does she feel its something exciting and desirable or something she has to cope with to keep a good professional relationship?[/quote]

I can only tell you that she is maintaining decorum. The better question is: Why are you approaching a married woman for a personal relationship?

[quote]– Does she feel guilty for allowing a man to chat with her on daily basis or is it a way to boost her ego?[/quote]

You’re assuming that this is boosting her ego. It may not be. The better question is: Do YOU feel guilty for chatting on a daily basis with a woman who has a husband?

[quote]– What are the chances she informed her husband about this person trying to approach her for a personal relation?[/quote]

I don’t know her or her husband — but I do know you through these posts, and the better question is: Do you want her to inform her husband so you can get caught?

[quote]– Does she like me or only trying to be nice?[/quote]

I think she likes you as an office mate and possible friend, and she is trying to be nice, from what you’ve written, even though you get annoyed.

[quote]– Is she allowing me to approach her because she feels she can control me or because she likes me?[/quote]

She can’t control you. So the better question is, do you want to be controlled?

[quote]– Would such a person be unsatisfied in her marriage?[/quote]

Not necessarily.

[quote]– How would she feel about stopping personal communication from my side? is it a relief or a loss? Would she reconsider her approach or won’t any difference?[/quote]

Since you fail to stop communicating with her, I don’t think she’s contemplated it.

[quote]– Is she confused or already decisive about any personal relation? [/quote]

She doesn’t sound confused at all. You do. 😉

[quote]Is there anything I can do to get her to be more open?[/quote]

She’s been pretty clear with you about her boundaries, so I think the answer is no.

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[Ethan Morales]

she’s not your problem, your willingness to stay in the gray area is. From everything you wrote she is keeping a comfortable, low-risk connection open (attention, company, ego boost, convenience) while protecting the thing that actually matters to her (her marriage and reputation). That explains the cautious warmth: she’s getting something from you but she isn’t prepared to give you what you want. That’s not “playing” in the malicious con job sense it’s choosing a comfortable middle ground that serves her interests.

Why she acts this way (briefly): a married person can enjoy flirtation/validation without wanting a relationship; she may genuinely like you as a person/friend but not want to break her life; she may also enjoy the attention because it makes her feel alive or valued. The public caution and private openness are classic signals of someone who wants to avoid escalation and consequences. None of those possibilities obligates her to change they only explain why she won’t.

What that means for you: you’re trapped in an emotional slow-roast. Daily chatting and “almost-friend” contact keeps hope alive and eats your time, focus and dignity. You get the emotional payoff of attention without the clarity or reciprocity of a real relationship. That limbo is corrosive it reduces your self-respect and blocks you from meeting people who actually can be with you fully.

Concrete, practical next steps (do them don’t wait for her): 1) Tell her once, calmly and briefly, what you want: e.g. “I can’t do this half-friendship anymore. I need our contact to be professional only.” 2) After you say it, enforce it yourself: stop initiating chats, mute/unfollow on social media (or at least move to mute), don’t engage personal messages at work. 3) If she pushes back, keep your reply the same and short; if she ignores it, treat that as your permission to cut it off completely. The power here is in your behavior she won’t give you what you need, so give it to yourself by withdrawing.

If you want a script: “I value our working relationship but I can’t keep chatting privately every day. I need to focus on work and my life, so I’m going to stop personal messages. I’ll still be professional at work.” Say it once, send it, then stick to the boundary. No negotiations. No begging. No repeated requests.
Longer view: this will hurt for a little while withdrawal always does but it’s the quickest way to clarity and peace. Use the space to meet single people, rebuild routines that don’t include her, and practice saying “no” to unavailable people. If you want, check in with a friend or counselor to support you through the cut. You’ll be surprised how fast your perspective shifts once you stop fueling the halfway relationship.

[Tara]

She’s married, bored, flattered, and using you as emotional entertainment. That’s it. You’re not dealing with some complicated romantic dilemma you’re dealing with a woman who enjoys your attention enough to keep you orbiting, but not enough to risk anything real.

If she actually liked you in a meaningful way, she would create distance to protect her marriage, her reputation, and your job. Instead, she keeps you close enough to feed her ego but far enough to avoid consequences. That’s not romance that’s emotional stringing.

And don’t kid yourself with this “she’s cautious because she’s married” fantasy. If she truly cared about you, she wouldn’t let you linger in this half-intimate, half-professional limbo. She’d shut it down clearly. But she doesn’t because she likes what you give her: validation, attention, excitement, and the thrill of being wanted without having to reciprocate.
You trying to “end the friendship” and her pulling you back in isn’t love. It’s control. She doesn’t want you, but she doesn’t want you gone. That’s how people treat emotional backup plans, not romantic prospects.

YOU’RE BEING PLAYED gently, subtly, politely, but absolutely played. She likes the way you look at her. She likes the attention. She likes the emotional energy. But she’s never going to cross the line with you, and she’s never going to let you move on cleanly either.

[Natalie Noah]

You’re entangled in a situation that is inherently impossible to resolve the way you want. You’re pursuing a married woman, and while she’s polite and engages with you, she is consistently setting boundaries appropriate to her situation. The tension and frustration you feel come not from her “playing” you, but from the conflict between your desires and the reality of her life. You’re expecting emotional availability from someone who cannot give it without compromising her marriage and that is never going to satisfy the longing you’re feeling.

April’s advice keeps returning to the same core truth: this isn’t about her being manipulative, confused, or ego-boosted. She’s behaving consistently within the boundaries she’s chosen being friendly but cautious, engaging but never crossing the line. The reason you feel “played” is because your expectations of openness, attention, and responsiveness are incompatible with her marital commitment. You are holding onto the hope that she will act differently than she has clearly indicated she can, and that’s creating the endless cycle of frustration.

One of the biggest lessons here is about personal responsibility. Shai, you have the power to decide where your energy goes. No one is forcing you to continue chatting daily or to invest emotional effort in a situation that gives you stress and no real fulfillment. The boundary you are waiting for from her complete clarity or a hard stop is something you ultimately must enforce yourself. Stopping the personal engagement is not about controlling her, it’s about protecting your own heart and sanity.

From what you’ve written, it’s clear she is not confused she is decisive about her boundaries and her marriage. The confusion is yours, and it stems from your attachment to the idea of what could be rather than what actually is. She’s not obligated to give you clarity or to make you feel comfortable with her limits. The more you chase that clarity from her, the more frustrated you’ll feel. Acceptance here means recognizing that the relationship you hope for is impossible and shifting your focus to relationships where mutual desire, availability, and boundaries align.

The healthiest next step for you is emotional disengagement. That doesn’t mean you have to be hostile or cut her out completely if professional interaction is necessary, but it does mean stopping daily private chats, releasing the expectation of “more,” and redirecting your energy toward people who can reciprocate the attention and connection you want. In essence, you need to stop chasing someone whose life cannot allow what you want, and give yourself the freedom to connect with people who actually can. That is how you get out of the maze you’ve described and regain peace in your own life.

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