[Anonymous]

hi april,

of the thousands of requests you get, i hope to god u can help me find peace in this one…if u could email me back your insights….

ive been in a realtionship for 1year. we are incompatible and this relationship has no harmony. he is demanding and insecure. he is pressuring me to convert to catholicism, ive stopped drinking totally, i cant go out with my sister or friends to a beach or party that might have other guys around. he’s brought up marriage. he made a commitment to build a new business and im worried it might be to convince me to stop pursuing my dreams of finishing my studies abroad, which will take 1year. i want him to do this for him, not for me. i dont want him to sacrifice or be a martyr like what i did in my past relationship. i dont want him to hurt like i did. we’ve broken up possibly 15 times in the past year. there are 2 reasons why i get back to him. first, i regret the breakup and id miss him. wev also agreed to a breakup amicably but he missed me so much i felt sorry and gave in. second, iv mentioned already, i feel sorry for him.

putting his negative characteristics aside, he is very responsible, has future plans, can provide me with security, will pay for dinners and movies even if i offer to pay half all the time (but his pride make my offer sound like an insult), and he truly genuinely loves me. i loved him, but ive gotten so worn down and even physically stressed that im not sure anymore, i dont even feel the need to want to see him, it’s not the same passionate need, its more like a friend need. he can be so loving, but if things dont go his way, hes like dr. jackyle and mr. hyde. he is so sensitive and insecure, i believe he works out alot to cover up alot of insecurity. ive given him all the impression that those things dont matter to me.

when we first dated, i didnt pretend, i drank, i loved to go out to malls to movies, just to test him. it was ok at first, he opened the door for me (and still does), but later into the relationship he slowly wanted to change me after ive been hooked to the relationship already. i feel ill inside and almost hopeless. i broke off with him last week and when i called him back a day later to tell him that it was torture missing him, he got angry and that made me even cry more and beg him back. its almost as if id rather be miserable with him than deal with the loneliness and the reminiscing during a break up.but then id regret that too, oh gosh!! please what should i do.

because i know i am very confused, i was thinking that i will test this relationship and be as subtle as possible. i will go abroad in a few months, and if he cannot take the longdistance relationship, i will let him go. at least both of us will be busy and cant give into the temptation of physically seeing each other again.

im very exhausted every time we fight now, i feel he is mentally and emotionally abusive, altho he is not physically abusive. but i will feel so so guilty if i left him cos i will feel so sorry for him, he’s invested so much.

a major reason why i stuck it out with him is because i promised myself i will never hurt him like my ex hurt me, by leaving me when i sacrificed so much. i believe, looking back, i am exactly like my ex now. i was angry with my ex before, but now i understand him completely.

iv been so worn down that ive started imagining what a fairytale relationship should be like. because i fell in love before and ended up broken hearted, i started thinking with my head in this current relationship instead of my heart. so, i also dont know if im in love, which is devastating..this is so stressful, if anything, please help me with this, iv been battling with this for many months and now its affecting my health.

it would be so helpful to give me exact steps to get me through this with him, i’ve actually discussed this topic with him telling him i felt suffocated and pressured, but it had been unsuccessful. because i told him im open to go with him to his catholic church this sunday to consider it (because he said to consider it before), i still feel he doesnt understand me and that im doing all the compromising.when i tell him that, he always tells me what’s there to change about him? then come to think of it, he’s successful and doesnt drink, theres not too much bad stuff to say against him (saying he’s insecure wouldnt be much of a good idea and sounds like a weak argument and smoking is his choice).and he’d also tell me that whatever he’s pressuring me on had never been to do me bad, it was for my own good so why would i complain, like about drinking (altho really im an adult to do it moderately), and converting to catholicism would bring harmony to our future family. he said he’d do anything if i converted to catholicism. but now to me everything he asks of this relationship is shallow and selfish, and altho on the outside im very caring towards him, inside i am an angry person already because the compromising is too much on my side.

He also gets disappointed when he texts me and finds out I woke up at 12pm and then he asks me constantly what time I slept the previous night. Earlier in the relationship he’d ask that cos he thought I was out partying late when really I’m at home eating comfort food in front of the tv or im on facebook and I cant sleep like until 4am. I wake up early only when I need to, and ive been responsible successful and punctual both at school and at work. If im on a vacation or summer break, it is none of his damn business what time I sleep or wake up. But he makes it sound like I need to be a perfect wife when im not even his wife yet! Im 26 and he’s 32. im an adult, but hes being ridiculously controlling. One time, I went to a bar with guests and I told him I had some yummy banana smoothie, and he got so angry and he insulted me by telling me “what’s next up your sleeve? Haha banana smoothie my ass”. He really believed I drank alcohol. Gosh, this guy has trust issues.

if u need to tell me to end this relationship, please tell me how without humiliating myself again or losing my dignity by toying him around with this very serious decision over and over again in a span of few weeks. wev already broken up officially twice this month and several times in previous months, we are exhausted. would u also think it’s the best idea to wait it out abroad?? this is an emergency. pls. please help….thank you..

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you read your post as if it was from someone else and not yourself, I think you’d see how clear the solution to your problem is:

1. Break up with this guy. He’s not Mr. Right.

2. Stop trying to save other people. You can’t. You don’t have the tools. It’s not your place to save him.

3. Let go of your baggage. Your desire to stay with him so you “don’t hurt him like you did your ex” is a little crazy. You’re hurting him by breaking up at least once a month for a year. You’re hurting yourself. And you’re probably hurting other people who care about you and him. Stop living in the past. This relationship requires a swift and clean break.

4. Address your concern about “your dignity”. The reason you’re so angry at his insecurity is because you recognize it in yourself. No one with a healthy dose of security would continue to yo yo in a relationship that you claim is abusive, like you do. Losing your dignity has to do with your concern about how other people see you. You need to stop worrying about how you’re perceived by others and start worrying about doing the right thing.

Break up with him. Don’t call him again. And move on with your life by spending your free time volunteering to help people with problems that are more dire than yours — the homeless, people with cancer, children of abuse, military veterans who need support, etc. Get out of your own head and start living in the real world where your relationship with this guy, who is clearly Mr. Wrong for you, will mean less and less as you fill yourself with more and more of what is true, good and right.

I hope that helps you. You deserve to have a healthy life and relationship.

[Member]

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