[IndigoLove]

This is my first post so it may be a little long. I am in my late 20’s with no children and with a pretty good career. I have been dealing with a man 15 years older than me for more than 5 years. I started dating him after I broke up with my first boyfriend. We have never put a title on our relationship and we are not committed to each other because he believes that I need to finish school (I’m in my last year now), and achieve some other goals. For the last year or so I have wanted more from our relationship b/c I want kids and to get married one day. He says that I am the one but he is hurt from past relationships. He has a teenage son and it the beginning he didn’t really want more kids, but the more I talk about wanting kids he now tells me he doesn’t mind having one. To make matters worse we both see other people but I will not let anyone get close to me because I want to be with him. Recently I went to visit him only to find him there with another woman. The situation got ugly between and the young lady to point that he had to call the police, but he tells me she means nothing and cannot compare to me.
I recently decided that I am ready for a serious relationship with someone and I wanted it to be him. He gave me the same old speech he’s been giving me over 3 years about how he has experienced so much more than me and if we move to the next level I may not finish school and I wont travel like I want 2. I told him that I want more be it with or without him. I believe that he loves me but because of his past circumstance he will not give me the love I want. I told him that we should just focus on being friends and he became a little upset. He feels like he has my best interest by not tying me down with a relationship and letting me free, but I don’t want to be free and date several people at a time, I feel like that’s what he wants.
I stressed to him that I don’t want to pressure him into a serious committed relationship so I think we should focus on being friends and have a platonic relationship, because my feeling were not going to change. He was little upset but agreed. He sent me a message saying we can talk when necessary; he still loves and cares for me, but to keep it platonic we shouldn’t see each other. Now I feel like I just loss my friend and he is the closest to family I have here since my family moved 9 hours away.
Did I make the right decision by demanding that we just be friends if we are not going to serious about each other since it was going on 6 years?

[Ask April Masini]

You did make the right decision — only it would have been better if you’d cut things off completely with him rather than opting for a platonic relationship after five years of being lovers and dating, because, as you can see, being “just friends” rarely works until both people have healed and moved on.

It’s important that you take better care of yourself when you date from here on in because your ex-boyfriend did NOT have your best interests at heart. He had his own. Clearly — to me, if not to you — he didn’t want to be your friend or have you be his girlfriend. He just wanted to have you as one girlfriend among many. He didn’t respect your feelings and you two were not compatible from the get go because you wanted different things. The age had very little to do with your incompatibility, although he used it to make you think so. The reality is he was never Mr. Right and you wasted a lot of time with him that you could have used dating men who want to be your husband and the father of your children.

I know you’re hurt, but understand that this ending is clearly for the best and now you can heal, process what went wrong and what happened, and decide how to live the rest of your life better than the last five years. This next time around, date smarter. And if you’re really a smart cookie, buy and read my book about dating — Think & Date Like A Man [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. You can download it immediately, and it will help you ENORMOUSLY.

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