[Ambivalent1212]

I’ve been dating a man for 1.5 years. Our relationship developed differently than I’m used to: he warms up and shows emotional ties VERY slowly, whereas I do quickly. I showered him with verbal evidence of being very “into” him for the first year: “I miss you,” “I look forward to seeing you,” etc. I didn’t smother him; I just was very open about how much I liked him. He, on the other hand, was not. I began to see in the past few months that what might have seemed like disinterest on his part was actually just his inability to open up emotionally without lots of time and investment in someone. I can appreciate that now. He is a very good man: smart, hard-working, generous, and kind. He loves me, and I love him.

Here’s the problem: About 5 months into our “relationship” (which I put in quotation marks because at that time, I didn’t feel like we had a “relationship”–it lacked emotional depth and connection), I met someone else. This other person lives rather far away, so it didn’t seem like a huge threat to build what turned into a flirty long-distance friendship with him. Well, that became a huge, mutual attraction, lots of verbal evidence that we were VERY into each other, lots of chemistry…and finally, after a few months, we met again in person and the chemistry was explosive. We met a few times over the past year, and I seriously ache for him, and he for me. I kept this “friendship” a secret from the 1st guy at first because I didn’t see anything really harmful about it, plus I was unclear about our actual “relationship” status–were we together? Was I special to him? It didn’t seem so. Then, when faced with the thought of losing me last May, the first guy did a 180: since then, he has been very open about his feelings for me, telling me he loves me all the time, etc. And now, after the first year of not feeling like he valued me enough or wanted me enough (though he just didn’t know how to show it), plus some sexual issues between us, I feel rather disinterested as lovers. I don’t feel a sexual chemistry, and though I know he wants me more than anything now, and I get really panicky about the thought of losing him altogether, I just keep thinking about the far-away guy, who was willing to wait for me the whole past year and we finally said “Enough’s enough” because I’m so darn ambivalent about the whole thing! I keep going back and forth in my mind about this for months! The far-away guy and I have amazing chemistry and shared interests, and up until 3 weeks ago, we spoke online nearly every day…but we’ve never spent more than a week’s time together at a time in person, so it’s hard to tell our actual compatibility. The other guy–my boyfriend–have great compatibility on a daily level–shared interests, shared care for one another–but I don’t think our sexual styles or even our bodies fit together well, not to mention the whole lack-of-chemistry thing.

I guess there’s not a real question: just need some input and dialogue about all this. I literally swing back and forth, one day thinking I’m good being here and working on things with my boyfriend, one day looking at flights to this other guy, take the risk that he won’t want me back, but still take the risk and try to spend a longer chunk of time with him to see what that’s like (which would, of course, end my current relationship). Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me know if you have a question, and if you do, how old you all are. 😀

[Ambivalent1212]

I guess my question is how to decide between them, and also how to know what I really need in a relationship and to pursue it. I think all the time about running off to be with the other guy–the one with whom I have the chemistry–but I also don’t want to be “that woman” who runs from relationship to relationship. I’m 32, a serial monogamist (relationships of about 2-3 years), and feeling like I’m never going to find the person about whom I feel 100% sure. I don’t know when to follow my gut and my heart, or when to hang onto something that’s broken but possibly worth fixing.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Forget the guys. Seriously.

You have to decide what you want for [i]yourself[/i]. If you don’t, you’re going to continue your pattern of serial monogamy and feeling like you’ll never be emotionally fulfilled. In fact, it might be a good idea for you to take a break from dating and break your pattern of serial monogamy just to clear your head.

Your original question was more like reportage than a real question on a relationship advice website. It was like your being in a shoe store and deciding between two pairs of shoes, neither of which you really need, and neither of which knocks your socks off. You keep describing the shoes instead of what you’re really looking for. 😉

Before you can date effectively, you have to know who YOU are and what YOU want and need in your life to make YOUR dreams come true. There are so many wonderful men in the world, but there are very few who are right for you at any given time in your life. Don’t waste your time and theirs dating superficially. Dig deep in your heart and mind and know yourself so you can find Mr. Right.

I hope this helps.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Ambivalent1212]

Thanks for your reply–I appreciate it! One more question: how do I really figure out what I want? I guess I kind of knew what your answer was going to be–the whole “Find yourself and know what you want first” thing–but I have no idea what that means practically speaking. How do I do that? How do I know when I’ve done it? Any suggestions of where to start?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Here’s a rough survey, not knowing you, that may help:

1. Do you want to get married?

2. Do you want to have children?

3. When?

4. Do you want a career?

5. If yes, how do you want it to intertwine with your social/family life?

6. Where do you want to live?

7. How do you want to live?

Answer these questions, and I’m sure more will come to you!

[Member]

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