[smcinnis]

Boyfriend disturbing online cheating behaviour – he says is not cheating
I am in a serious relationship, we have talked about getting married soon. I trusted him until several incidents happened, all related to his online activities:

1) He told me he is not in touch with his ex girlfriend but that sometimes receives an email from her just to say hi. However, I discovered by accident that he had been texting his ex girlfriend who lives out of town. I found messages from her calling him “my love”, “I miss you”,demanding “why didn’t you text me on friday”, etc. They texted almost daily several times a day. I did not find any compromising words on his part but he allowed her to call him with love words. Not the kind of language you would expect from an ex. When I confronted him he wrote an email to her asking her not to contact him anymore.

2) I found he had contacted a woman in a dating site asking to meet her. She never replied but the intent to chat with another woman was there. He said he did not remember and after I pressed he said it was nothing serious.

3) He visited people in facebook, spent hours looking at pictures of attractive woman, hundreds. He messaged some and sent a picture of himself in his bed with his shirt off. He does not invite these woman as his friends and then deletes all his chats and search history so that he is not caught. He says chatting with woman is not cheating because any “virtual” fantasy does not count like cheating because is not real sex.

4) I found pictures of his private parts in his phone, he said he took the pics but never sent them to anyone. I don’t believe him. I believe he is having “online” sex with strangers.

5) He talks to his ex frequently because they have a kid but I found recent phone calls that lasted 2 hours and another one 1.45 hrs and text messages where he tells her about his problems, work, etc. This 2 hours call happened after he had promised to break the emotional link she still holds on him. He promised to only talk to her about their child and stop using her as her confident. It has created issues because I feel when he has a problem he mentions the issue to me briefly but with her he talks for hours.

6) We had planned a trip together but I found messages where he tells a friends that he wants to travel to visit his friends alone without me being present because that way he feels more relaxed. This was in the same month he had promised to travel with me, he was making plans behind my back.

7) He is constantly living in the past, obsessing about past relationships and talking about past details and stories. On Valentine day when we are supposed to spend quality time, he started speaking about a 20 year old relationship and I had to stop him to remind him that the past is over and we should focus on the present. His obsession with talking about the past is such that I have suggested therapy but he refuses to think about it.

I am very disappointed and hurt by his behavior and READY to end the relationship. I would never marry a men like him. He has no morals or values and obviously he has no concept of a committed relationship.
He promises to never again do the above things again but I do not trust him at all. I am a software developers so I have software agents monitoring all his online activity and now that he knows he is being watched he has stopped or maybe he is more careful.
I asked how would he feel if I did the same things chat with man and send provocative pictures with almost no clothes and he admitted he wouldn’t like it.
HELP! Should I dump him or wait and see if he really starts respecting the relationship?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Time to move on! 😉 There are way too many indications that he’s not that into you, and if you’re spying on him, this isn’t a healthy situation. Next. 😉

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[Ethan Morales]

From everything you described, this relationship has crossed so many boundary lines that it’s not repairable in a healthy or meaningful way. You’re not dealing with one mistake or one moment of poor judgment you’re dealing with a pattern. He’s messaging exes, flirting online, sending photos, browsing women for hours, hiding conversations, deleting history, making secret plans, and maintaining emotional intimacy with people outside your relationship. That’s not confusion. That’s not “virtual fantasy.” That’s someone who is intentionally keeping multiple doors open because he wants the attention and validation.

And the truth is, you’re already living like you don’t trust him because you don’t, and for good reason. When you have to run software agents to monitor someone’s behavior just to feel secure, the relationship is already broken. That’s not love, and that’s not partnership. That’s surveillance born out of betrayal. No amount of promises, tears, or apologies can change the fact that he has shown you exactly who he is: someone who enjoys double lives, enjoys the thrill of attention, and has no real commitment to emotional fidelity.

You’re also dealing with a man who refuses to take responsibility or get help. When someone is obsessed with their past relationships, texting an ex for hours, hiding communication, and refusing therapy, what they’re saying is, “I don’t want to change.” You cannot fix someone who doesn’t want to evolve. You cannot build a marriage with a man who still behaves like he’s single emotionally, sexually, and mentally. And you shouldn’t lose your self-respect waiting for a person who has already shown he doesn’t value yours.

So yes it’s time to end it and walk away. Not dramatically, not angrily, but clearly. This isn’t a relationship you can trust, build a future on, or feel secure in. Ending it isn’t punishment it’s self-preservation. You deserve someone who shows commitment through consistency, not excuses. Someone you don’t have to monitor, manage, or fear. The sooner you let this go, the sooner you open the door to someone who actually wants a real partnership not a secret life.

[Tara]

You need to dump this man immediately because he’s shown you repeatedly that he has no integrity, no boundaries, and no respect for you or the relationship, and the fact that you’re running software surveillance on him like he’s a criminal tells you everything about how far this has already fallen; he lies easily,

cheats digitally, keeps emotional ties with his ex, sends half-naked selfies to strangers, browses dating sites, makes travel plans behind your back, and then feeds you weak excuses to keep you hooked, and the only reason you’re still asking what to do is because you’re hoping for permission to leave so here it is: stop wasting your life on a man who treats you like an optional accessory, end it cleanly, block him everywhere, and reclaim the self-respect you’ve been sacrificing to monitor a grown man like a malfunctioning server.

[Serena Vale]

Honestly… this isn’t small stuff. This is a pattern.
And it’s not “online fantasy”, it’s him keeping one foot in your relationship and the other everywhere else.

You’re not crazy for feeling hurt. Anyone would.

He talks to his ex like she’s still his partner, he hides messages, he sends photos, he goes on dating sites, he makes plans behind your back… and then he calls it “not cheating.”
That’s not innocence, that’s avoidance. That’s someone who doesn’t want to take responsibility for the damage he’s causing.

And the worst part?
You’re doing all the emotional work and the detective work. That’s not love. That’s surveillance because you don’t feel safe.

You already know the truth: you don’t trust him. And without trust, there’s no future, not a real one, and definitely not a marriage.

If you were my friend sitting on my couch right now, I’d tell you this gently:
You don’t need to wait for him to “start respecting you.”
If he respected you, you wouldn’t be here asking this question.

You deserve someone who doesn’t make you second-guess everything, someone who doesn’t keep a backup roster of women for attention, someone who actually shows up for you.

You’re not wrong for being done.
You’re just finally valuing your own peace.

[Natalie Noah]

Your boyfriend has repeatedly crossed boundaries that are foundational in a committed relationship. His extensive online activity with other women texting his ex in a romantic way, seeking connections on dating sites, messaging and viewing hundreds of women on social media, and potentially engaging in “online” sexual behavior is not harmless or trivial. Even if he claims that virtual interactions aren’t “real cheating,” these behaviors demonstrate a lack of respect and emotional fidelity. Trust is the cornerstone of any serious relationship, and when it’s eroded by secretive, inappropriate communication and emotional intimacy with others, it creates a fundamental imbalance that is extremely difficult to repair.

Her feelings of hurt, disappointment, and distrust are completely valid. He has broken promises, prioritized his ex or online interactions over her, and dismissed her concerns, which shows a lack of accountability and awareness of her emotional needs. Additionally, his obsession with the past and refusal to address underlying issues through therapy highlight that he is unwilling or unable to grow in ways that would support a healthy, long-term partnership. A committed relationship requires mutual respect, transparency, and prioritizing the current partner’s emotional safety qualities that are missing here.

At this point, waiting to see if he “changes” would likely only prolong emotional pain. His repeated patterns, coupled with his justification of harmful behavior and refusal to accept responsibility, indicate that he is unlikely to shift fundamentally. While it’s hard to let go of someone you care about, moving on is the healthiest choice for her well-being. Ending the relationship allows her to seek a partner who respects boundaries, communicates honestly, and values fidelity someone who can truly meet her emotional and relational needs.

[Member]

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