[witsend]

I am in desperate need of advice ❗ I’ll try to make this very complicated story as uncomplicated as possible–tho it won’t be easy 😆
After an albeit short (5mo) whirlwind relationship 8yrs. ago, my BF at the time confessed that he had emotional “issues” that prevented him from maintaining a “love” relationship….I’ll spare you the pages of writing it would take to explain–but the issues are very real & his past is colored with childhood emotional abuse & relationships that revolve around a lot drama….
We maintained a friendship after & over all these years have never crossed the line–though there has always been a lot of “remember whens” of fond memories of time shared….and it seems intimate details have never been forgotten…in many, many ways he & I are “best friends” & there is an unconditional respect/caring that I have never had with anyone B4–it would be my guess he hasn’t either….so here’s where it gets tricky 😯
He married a woman (99.9% sure for ALL the wrong reasons) about 5yrs ago….I’ll admit I always thought he would straighten out his stuff & we would pick up where we left off–so this was a tough nut to swallow–and we did have a little falling out over it & after he admitted always “loving me–but couldn’t make that work” & that he didn’t love her 😯 there was a while that we lost contact….about 6 months later I heard from him again, he appologized for all the hurt he had caused & we started up the friendship again….abt 3 months ago he confided to me that his marriage has been going downhill for some time & that he was giving it 6months to straighten itself out of he would ask for a divorce…I just listened as a friend would & said I was sorry to hear that–as a friend would, right?
So here’s the current dilema….having this knowledge & not knowing what his plans would be for us (if any) has me at my wits end 🙄 part of me wonders if I would have had a better chance if we didn’t remain friends for all these years & another part says “you’re nuts–he does love you & always has” ….then I hear this little voice saying a leopard doesn’t change it’s spots 😯
To top it all off he was being flirty a few weeks back & I asked him why? He knows NOTHING would happen between us while he’s married–He didn’t answer–just looked at me like he had something to say & like he was holding back tears–so I changed the subject!
I’m not sure if I should push him or leave it all be–if he brings up anything or act that way again, I’m not sure what to do/say?….I should add–though we both are aware of the others feelings–they are not mentioned, IMO they really shouldn’t be now….
what do I do? and how can I better my chances of reuniting–if that’s possible at all? These feelings have been bottled up for so long sometimes I feel like I could burst!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Here’s what you do, although you’re not going to like my advice, I’m pretty sure: You stop seeing this guy and stop being friends with him. He’s married. It’s not your business whether he married her for the right or wrong reasons, or whether he loves her or not. Butt out. He bought a ring, proposed, and showed up at his wedding. At the very least. Respect his marriage the way you would want someone else to respect yours. Better yet, respect yourself enough not to toy with someone who’s unavailable.

He’s already told you his history of emotional abuse, and he’s clearly troubled. The questions is why would you want to reunite? Are you so desperate for love that you’d take if from someone who’s not all there for his own wife? Or you? It’s not your job or your responsibility to fix this guy. Nor can you. That’s his life. You need to live yours.

I’d like to tell you that you deserve the love of a man who wants all of you and wants to give you all of himself and will be loyal to you and know that you will be loyal to him. I’d like you to want that for yourself. But as long as you allow yourself the fantasy that this guy will someday be that person, you’re never going to heal yourself. That’s why I want you to cut off from this guy completely. Work on yourself. Focus on your job, on your family and friends. Go to pilates or take tai chi. Learn to salsa dance or give yourself a full blown out makeover!

You deserve to live life at the best of your ability. You can do better than this.

[witsend]

Thank you for your quick & candid response/…you’re right, that is pretty tough to hear–or do, though I have tried a few times, it always seems a few months goes by & I hear from him again…..sometimes I wish I had never dated him or that I knew one or both of us didn’t feel as we do for the other–then it would be easier to accept the friendship for what it is….
Oddly enough for many years I did write it all off–the hope I mean…& I have been in relationships & am very active socially, physically, and intellectually…..there just always feels like unfinished business is looming & it’s been there even when I’ve taken a 6month sebaticle from speaking to him…..
I do hear you on the respect issue…..I do & have respected the union of their marriage–in the regard that there is a definite line that is not crossed….it is difficult though to cut off a person you care about–especially when that person has few others to count on–who aren’t just trying to clean him out–we don’t discuss their relationship–I’m not sure if I made it sound as if we do? that too I would not do–actually the problem he mentioned was that a significant amount of $ had been stolen from him….It seems I have backed myself into a corner on this one….I understand what & why you are telling me to cut him loose–on the other hand it feels as though we are the only two who really know & trust each other…..but you are right–I do deserve it all–especially for that reason….I will have to untangle this mess, thank you!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me know how things are going for you…. 😀

[Natalie Noah]

This situation is emotionally heavy because it’s built on years of attachment, unfinished feelings, and a deep sense of emotional intimacy that never fully closed. What stands out most is that the bond feels profound, but it has always existed in a space where real commitment was impossible. That kind of connection can feel powerful, even soulmate‑like, yet still be fundamentally unsafe. The fact that he has consistently named himself as emotionally unavailable and then proven it through marriage, avoidance, and ambiguity matters more than the intensity of the feelings between you.

The advice given is hard, but it’s grounded in self‑respect rather than punishment. He is married, emotionally conflicted, and historically unable to sustain a healthy romantic relationship. Even if he were to leave his marriage, there’s no evidence that he would suddenly become emotionally stable, available, or capable of giving you the security you deserve. The “unfinished business” feeling isn’t proof that you’re meant to be together; it’s often the result of a bond that never reached resolution or reality. That kind of loop can keep someone emotionally stuck for years.

What’s also important is recognizing how this dynamic quietly costs you. Remaining the emotional safe place for someone who cannot choose you fully keeps you tethered to hope, even when you’re living a full life otherwise. Being “the one who understands him” can feel special, but it can also become a trap especially when it prevents space for a partner who can show up consistently, openly, and without complications. Caring deeply for someone does not obligate you to remain in their life at the expense of your own emotional peace.

The most loving thing here isn’t pushing him for answers or waiting for clarity it’s creating a clean break so healing can actually happen. That doesn’t erase what you shared; it simply honors it by refusing to let it keep hurting you. Real love doesn’t live in secrecy, hesitation, or perpetual waiting. You deserve a relationship where there’s no confusion about where you stand, no moral conflict, and no emotional crumbs. Letting go is painful but staying stuck in this cycle is quietly more painful over time.

[Member]

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