[kari]

Ok here it goes…I have been dating this guy for almost a year now and things were so great! we hit it off right away fell in love…fast! I had only been single for a year before i met him, had just gotten out of a ugly 10 year relationship with someone who abused drugs and cheated on me. i was so happy when I met my new bf things seemed to be falling into place finally, due to my last relationship i had a lot of insecurties that after what im about to tell you i realized i hadnt dealt with them. My bf and I had only been dating for 4 months before everything happened. One night my new bf and i got into our very first arguement and he left to have time alone, I was so devasted that I called a friend of mine of 10 years and yes it was a guy. My bf knew of this guy and had actually met him. Anyway this friend of mine came over and we drank and i poured my guts out to him. This friend of mine started telling me I shouldnt be with this guy that he is probly just like my ex etc. He then began to tell me that he liked me I told him that I dont feel that way for him. Next thing i knew he grabbed me and started kissing me…I did push him off but he kept persisting and kissing me, i eventually ended up kissing him back and there was touching involved. All clothes on there was no sex involved. I did stop it and told him to leave that this was all wrong and that we are no longer friends. Heres the thing my bf had actually been at my door and knew that we had started messing around. my bf came back the next day we talked and then took some days apart from eachother. I felt so absolutley disgusted with myself, i had done something that i have never done before, i didnt eat or sleep for days on end due to guilt. I told my bf how sorry i was and how disgusted i am with myself and left the decision up to him (obviously) i was willing to accept my consequences. We started talking again after about 5 days and this is where he confesses something…he had cheated on me as well earlier on with a friend of his. I knew who this friend of his was i had actually met her and I had a feeling that they were more than just friends at some point but i didnt press anything. We kept talking and decided that we want to stay together because we loved eachother. Went on with our relationship and everything was going pretty good. We moved in together he started telling his friends and even my family that he wants to marry me. I felt so happy!!….Then out of the blue the other day after we had some drinks with friends he started talking about how he doesnt think he can “provide” for us. He said he didnt want to be judged by my family if he wasnt able to buy us a house etc. I told him not to worry about those things. But he seemed serious and then said he was having doubts about us and then mentioned my cheating on him. I know hes still hurt and its not going to be a easy process by any means! but he cheated as well and I chose to forgive and I have never brought it up again or have thrown it in his face for any reason. To be honest it doesnt bother me much any more. i love him and chose to have faith in my man. I know that I would never do such a thing to him ever again!! it caused way to much hurt and I learnt my lesson! I just would like to know if there is any way to salvage our relationship? i dont want to break up and i would do anything to prove to him that i am fully his.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]I just would like to know if there is any way to salvage our relationship? i dont want to break up and i would do anything to prove to him that i am fully his.[/quote]

He wants to get out of the relationship and he’s trying to do it as gracefully as he can. He mentioned that he can’t provide for you — and you have to understand that this is a real concern for men. I don’t know how old you both are, but this “excuse” he’s bringing up is valid.

When you wouldn’t let him off the hook easily, he brought up the cheating because he’s trying to find a way to get out of the relationship. I know that you don’t want to break up, but he does, and when it comes to math and relationships, it takes two people to make a relationship work, but only one to end it.

If you don’t break up gracefully, he will probably begin to act out in order to give you enough reasons to break up with him. My advice is that you let go of this relationship because he doesn’t want to be in it. You should find someone who DOES want to be with you — you’ll be a lot happier!. 😀 You have a history of staying in bad relationships (or at least the ten year one you mentioned in your post), and it’s time for you to practice getting out of relationships when they’re not working.

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[kari]

Thank you for your reply. I do understand that we very well may break up. A few days after this happened he came to me and appologized for saying those things and told me he was in a mood that day and that he wants to be with me forever and things between us are perfectly fine and i wasnt pressing the issue with him. I let him have his time and he came to me with that. I really dont know what to think.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Go slowly with your eyes open and try not to have any expectations. At the same time, have a clock for yourself, and know when it’s time to get out if things aren’t going in the direction at the speed you want, as well as when to stay in because you still don’t know enough to make a decision. 😉

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