[bsuey21]

Thank you to all for the advice. I am a 27 year old male.

About four months ago, I met a 23 year old female and asked her out to dinner a few days later. The first month was extremely exciting. We had several dates, many of them lasting a whole day, and there was staying over involved. After that initial month, she called me to say that she wasn’t ready to commit. I responded by saying that I wasn’t looking to commit at the time, and that I was just looking to casually date.

Over the next few months, we continued to do so, albiet without any staying over for the night. We are both working professionals, so the frequency of the dates slowed a bit to about once every two weeks. However, we remained in constant communication.

We had a couple more “converstaions” going over commitment issues during that time. Quite frankly, I was completely falling for her. She couldn’t commit because she was entering graduate school and wasn’t sure if she would be able to commit time to a relationship. I wasn’t ready to commit because my only prior serious relationship had a very ugly ending. I wasn’t ready to commit to someone I felt similarly strongly about without getting to really know her.

About a week ago, she decided that we should stop dating and seeing each other. According to her, despite me being the best guy she had ever dated, she had lost romantic interest in me. Also according to her, she was completely confused as to why this would happen, and she tried for about a month to continue dating me in order to “find the spark” again. However, according to her, she never found it and became uncomfortable spending time with me in a romantic context.

I am completely confused as to how to approacht his. We haven’t spolen or communicated at all since then. On one hand, she is someone I care about regardless of status, and I would not want to make someone I care about uncomfortable around me. On the other, she is exactly the type of woman I have been looking for, and am still (irrationally?) falling for her.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not really sure what your question is, but I’ll try to help you understand the situation. Maybe clarity will help you find a direction. 😉 Basically, she lost interest. You can try to win her over, or you can move on. If you try the former, you have to decide how much time and energy you’re going to spend on her before you decide that she wants to date you again, or she’s just not into you.

If you do decide to try and win her over, my advice is that you play the field at the same time so you’re not so invested in her. Nice guys finish last, and if she thinks you’re interesting to other women, and you’re not sitting around waiting for her, she may find you more interesting. However, if someone isn’t into you — it isn’t personal — especially after only dating for a month or two. Not everyone is going to be your cup of tea, and you’re not going to be everyone else’s cup of tea. That’s just the way the world works, and the important thing is to not waste time on someone who’s giving you the gift of rejection that sets you free to find someone who does want to date you!

You’re wise to want to get to know someone before getting too invested — but at the same time, when you do get to know something about someone, like she’s not that into you and doesn’t feel a spark — don’t ignore that.

I hope that helps. If you want to fill me in with a specific questions, I’m more than happy to answer it here. 🙂

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[bsuey21]

Thank you for helping to clarify my situation.

There is a lot of confusion, but there are a few things I do know. Even though I’ve only had one serious relationship in the past where my partner and I really opened up to each other, I have been in less serious relationships and generally dated with other types of women. I am absolutely sure that she is the type of woman I want.

After this episode, I agree with being open to other women, as long as they are generally the type of woman I want. Finding them is another issue, as a working professional in a new area, I don’t have very many connections I can exploit to find them. Not being in school anymore also complicates the issue.

With all that being said, I am hesitant in “dating” or “pursuing” her given how we have progressed; I’m not willing to make myself look like a bigger fool than I already am at this point, nor do I want to make her even more uncomfortable. On a very basic level, I am still interested in her because of her type, and [i][b]if I can garner interest in her again, I would like to do that. [/b][/i](I don’t know if “win her back” is the right phrase because technically I haven’t done anything wrong, but that is just semantics.)

I see the virtue in spreading my own attention around. Would it be correct to say that it doesn’t necessarily have to be other women, but just other things (job, other friends, etc) that demand my attention?

I’ve always dated in college, so this new dating environment is a completely new thing to me. I definitely messed up by opening up to her too soon, and I am still confused as to how precisely to proceed from here, if I want to nurture the possibility of her regaining interest.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that you’re complicating things in your own head so you don’t have to deal with a fear of rejection which comes from putting yourself out there, on the line.

First of all, if you do try to win her back — and yes, [i]winning[/i] her back is exactly what you have to do because you’ve lost her interest in dating. I know you want to believe you haven’t done anything wrong, so therefore, you haven’t lost her, but that’s expending a lot of energy to make yourself feel good — and you don’t need to complicate things so much (and confuse yourself). The simple question is: Did you get the girl you want or not? If not, either you were incompatible or else you weren’t using a good dating skill set. If you want to place “right” and “wrong” values on this, you’re going to take it to an unnecessary, derivative level — which isn’t practical, and it’s where you get confused. My suggestion is keep things simple and real. Did you get the girl you want? Why or why not? Is there an adjustment you can make? It’s that uncomplicated. 😉

Next, you have to get over the idea that you’re making yourself look like a fool — I think that’s how you put it — if you put yourself on the line to win her back. I think you’re afraid of getting rejected, and how that will feel (not great) and how you will appear to other people. Rejection is part of life — whether you’re dating or doing business or completing an academic degree. It isn’t supposed to feel good because it’s a sign that you’re either not on the right track or you’re doing something wrong and if you want to correct it, it gives you the opportunity to see where you can make some adjustments. 😉 So don’t be afraid of looking foolish to the extent that that fear holds you back. 🙂

[quote]I see the virtue in spreading my own attention around. Would it be correct to say that it doesn’t necessarily have to be other women, but just other things (job, other friends, etc) that demand my attention?[/quote]

Well, yes and no — women, in general, are attracted to men who are successful. This success can be in business, in social lives and in dating. So the more successful you are in these arenas, the more successful you’ll be in dating. Women look for men who are confident (this is a sign of success, personally as well as in other arenas) and funny and who enjoy life.

I hope that helps! It’s great that you’ve narrowed down the type of woman you like. Now go out there and find Ms. Right, knowing what you’ve learned from this experience, which has helped you hone in on what you’re looking for. 😀

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[bsuey21]

Thank you, it does help.

Did I get the girl I want? No. Why? Not incompatibility; she herself said that she sees us as being very compatible. So it was the wrong dating skill set or approach.

She seemed to have closed the door pretty hard on any chance left; so how would I approach her from this point forward to nurture the possibility? Just proceed as a friend, who has to devote attention to other things and other women?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]She seemed to have closed the door pretty hard on any chance left; so how would I approach her from this point forward to nurture the possibility? [/quote]

Take a break from seeing her or contacting her, and explore other areas of dating and your own life. In a few months, ask her out again. When a door shuts, don’t bang on it — instead, walk through doors that are open. 😉

[quote]Just proceed as a friend, who has to devote attention to other things and other women?[/quote]

Definitely do not put yourself in the friend zone! You’re not her friend — you’re a guy who wants to date her. Men and women can’t be friends because one person always wants more than friendship, and that creates dishonesty, confusion and hurt feelings.

Use this time away to work on the dating skills you didn’t have when you were dating her. 😉 If you want to buy the book Date Out of Your League, a book I wrote for men who want to win with women, that would be a very good idea. Here’s the link for the book: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. 😀

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