[Cherie21]

Hi there,

well where to start…my partner of 4 years cheated on me on new years. he went away on a ‘boys’ holiday, only to find out i was the only gf NOT going because he took his ex with him instead. he texted/rung me everytime, saying he loved me. we have a 2 year old daughter together. when i heard that she might have gone i asked him about it and he denied it…and continued to deny it for about 2 weeks until i saw on her facebook page the two of them hugging and gettting snuggly in photos at the festival he attended. even then, he denied anything physical happened until i asked the ex and still he tried to deny it. im absolutley heartbroken. but although he cheated, i still tried to make things work between us, but he had lost all respect for me. he treated me worse than a doormat. the last 2 weeks i’ve just given up. and now hes trying to make us work! total turn around! but i dont know what to do. i cannot trust him, the pain and the hurt is still very fresh in my heart. but hes apologising like anything and even brought me roses and jewellery on valentines…..what do i do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There are relationships that can make it through infidelity, but it’s hard work and requires a strong commitment from both people. It’s also not a straight line from point A to point B. There are ups and downs along the way to healing, and not everybody makes it through those ups and downs.

What’s of concern is that he went to such great length to plan this lie of going away for a trip with another woman and he did it in the company of his friends. That’s a lot different than his having strong doubts about you and having a sudden fling or getting inebriated and losing control on a single occasion. Bringing this other woman to a social event was a sober decision and very disrespectful on top of betraying you. That you wanted to make it work even after learning about this shows a great deal of forgiveness on your part, and that’s one of the tools of getting over infidelity. But it’s again, of concern that he lost respect for you trying to make things work.

I’m wondering what caused his sudden turnaround now. Did his ex-girlfriend dump him and now he’s running back to you? His motivation for wanting to make things work is important.

Right now, I think it’s too soon for you to commit one way or another to a future with him. You’ll want things to be the way they were before, but they can’t be. When you break your leg, you have to wait for the bone to heal. Your relationship has been broken and now you have to see if you can heal it, with his help. I know this is difficult, but you need to start talking and opening up the channel of communication that was clearly NOT open before he decided to take another woman on a boys holiday in January. What was wrong in the relationship that made it okay for him to do what he did? Try not to be judgmental and instead to find out where things went wrong. That’s your first step to getting back on track.

And while you’re doing this, be easy on yourself. No doubt your emotions will get stirred up, as will his, but unless the two of you are willing to commit to this process, there is no hope. Find out just how much hope and willingness to make this work there is.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and I hope you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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