[sorcha]

Hello!

I need some advice as to how to approach going back to work on Monday and seeing a co-worker after 6 months of CROSSED-WIRES!!

The second half of last year I became close to a co-worker. We have opened up and told each other some personal things that he hasn’t told many people and I said some things I do not talk about often either. Turned out we had a few things in common in terms of our family life.
Although I quite liked him I did not think that he would like me even though we had these personal conversations. Sometimes people feel better not to talk to friends/family….
A couple of weeks later he said he was going to see some live music and asked if interested. I was thinking along the lines of him just being friendly and I was an idiot and and did not act in ANY way like this was a date and he seemed quite shy throughout. Obviously due to my behavior I made it look to him like I did not see this outing as a date (even though I would have loved to have gone on a date, I just did not think it was one!)

Afterward everyone said I was crazy, he was asking you out!! After the ‘date’ we started to have a few conversations in person and over text that I guess you could call ‘suggestive’…

Even though I tried to redeem myself by replying to his ‘suggestions’, I think that my behavior during the ‘date’ and my high level of professionalism at work left him confused.

Things have slowed down and we have not been out socially for a couple of months, although at a work event recently he did not try to hide we had been out in front of co-workers (he is very private usually). I was shocked and did not know what to say (again!)

Generally at work we get on well but there are occasions when he does not speak to me, especially when I am talking to other men and has made comments about me not getting what he is trying to say/do. When the opportunity arises he seems to be trying to make me jealous, talking about other girls. For example making out he knows certain girls at work REALLY well or joking about clubs exclusively for men that he doesn’t see the point of there are no women there. He does not seem to me to be a player so I find these comments out of place for his character. Although I guess I don’t know him well enough..maybe he is a player?!

4 weeks ago he stopped speaking to me for a whole week (minus the times we had to speak regarding work) and it looks like it was triggered by me going for a coffee with a man in our office (who has a gf and often goes for coffee in the morning and I just happened to bump into him at the canteen but he doesn’t know that). At the end of the week I was going on holiday and he made a real effort to be nice to me and told me to call him at any time if I wanted a chat. However he did not mention that he had not been speaking to me or why.

So, a have a few questions:
– Do you think he was trying to ask me out? and therefore had feelings for me?
– Do you think that my behavior made him think that I was not that interested or does it seem more like he just lost interest?
– Should I question his behavior when he is not speaking to me? Or do you have any ideas other than jealousy to explain it?
– Finally, If you think there is any hope of this getting back on the right track please tell me how is the best way to approach this on Monday when I see him for the first time in 3 weeks!

Thanks for reading!!

Sorcha 😀

[Ask April Masini]

I think that your friend did like you and he did have enough feelings for you — enough to ask you out. He lost interest in you because you didn’t give him anything to chase. Men love to chase women and feel like they’ve won them over. It sounds like you were clueless about how to let a guy know you like him. He didn’t get any positive dating feedback from you, so he backed off. I guess you could call it losing interest, but really, it was that you didn’t show him enough interest for him to invest in the relationship with you.

That said, he was hurt, and that’s why he stopped speaking to you. Sometimes when men feel rejected, rather than put themselves out there for what they fear will be even more rejection, they’ll just clam up to protect themselves. That’s what this guy did. From your point of view he was acting irrationally and just not talking to you. From his point of view, he got shot down, was hurt, and didn’t want to get hurt again by opening up to you any more.

If you do want to date him, then you should be clear in your own head that that’s what you want, first and foremost. Dating is a dance between two people, and you’ve got to give him something to work with so he can feel confident enough to proceed. I highly recommend you get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, that you can download here: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. This book will give you ALL the tricks and tips on how to flirt with a guy and to ultimately get him. You need some of these tricks in your dating arsenal! 😉

And don’t expect a quick turnaround. If you want to date him, and to show him you’re interested in him, give it some time. He’s already, in his mind, asked you out and gotten shot down. He’s going to wonder why things will be different now, and even though to you it was just a case of crossed wires, he’s gotten a little piece of his heart broken. So be understanding — but if you do like him, give the guy something to chase!

[sorcha]

Hi April,
Thank you for your reply. What you say makes a lot of sense and I don’t think I was looking at the situation from his point of view to any great extent.
I have just placed an order for your book at Amazon and if it is anything like the advice you give to other posters I think I will learn a lot!
Also, I think you are correct in saying that I did not know how to show him I was interested. This was due to several things including that normally I would go for a playful/comical tactic with men. He is quite serious and did not respond to this. Nor is he (or I for that matter) good at small talk. tbh I was at a lost as to what to do. As I said in my previous post we have exchanged suggestive texts (not explicit!) and I would have thought that would have shown an interest fromm my end?
Anyway, if you do not mind me telling you another bit of this story and helping me figure this out I would really appreciate it!
I spent a bit of time frustrated with him because of the way he was acting I have already described but one day decided to push it to one side and try and show him I cared. So I spent 6 weeks acting like an angel! I was supportive of him during several disputes at work, backed him up, spoke to him at work and on the phone in the evenings/weekends about anything he wanted to talk about (work/personal etc). I clearly made him feel comfortable sharing his worries with me. I also showed I cared by sending him home from work as he looked ill and then calling him to check how he was. I did not speak much to other male co-workers and essentially gave him a lot of my attention. To me this behavior is indicative of a very good friend or gf not simply a co-worker. He did seem to respond to this particularly when I showed concern when he was ill (he seemed happy I was worrying) and over the 6 weeks we did not have one incident of him not speaking to me or becoming annoyed with me. However, although I am pleased it made him less hostile towards me, I do not feel I got anything from him indicating he was still interested in me and would like something to happen. He did not come forward with anything. He just seemed to take was I was giving and nothing else was given back. I hope you get what I am saying here.
After the 6 weeks I felt that maybe he was no longer interested and wasn’t so attentive of him, i.e. I started talking to people who were new in our office and the male co-workers again. As soon as I did this, he started up the old behavior! Almost worse than before.
Considering what you have said I should not expect a quick turnaround—Do you think I gave up on the attentiveness too soon for him to be confident in me? And do you think it sounds like I was doing the right things in that period anyway? Could he still be confused because what I did was not clear enough?
What I am unsure of is whether he is doing the silent treatment etc on me because of what you have said- that he is hurt and protecting himself and open to me showing an interest hopefully OR is he generally angry with me for what he sees as rejection and does not have feelings for me and does not like me because I dented his ego?
If you think he does still care I just did not persevere long enough what can I do to show him in the meantime before your book arrives!?

[Ask April Masini]

You’re ALMOST getting it!! 😆

Being positive, attentive and caring is great behavior — for a friend! 😮 But, if you want this guy to want you [i]as a girlfriend[/i], then you have to give him [i]girlfriend[/i] vibes — not friend vibes. Checking up on him when he’s ill is very motherly and friendly. But it’s not necessarily girlfriend behavior. Backing him up at work is very supportive in a professional way. But again, it’s not necessarily girlfriend behavior. What you’re missing is that romance, intimacy and sexuality. 😎 That’s what he wants to know you have interest in with him.

When you let him know how sexy he looks in a particular sweater, there’s no way to misconstrue that compliment as friendly or motherly. That’s full on girlfriend interest — and it’s going to make him feel great in the way that a man does when he’s interested in a woman as more than just a friend or a caretaker. And because you bestowed him with that compliment full of interest, he’s going to associate his feeling great with you.

Get it? 😉

Flirting is one of a woman’s greatest tools and you’ll get so many tips in my book, which you can actually download here, immediately 🙂 , at this link: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. Body language, knowing what men want (and I don’t just mean sex), and playing your cards just right are all really important for getting the guy!

I’m glad you ordered the book — I’m so anxious for you to read it and really put to use all the tools in it’s content for the purpose of letting this guy know you’re truly interested!

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