[Reva]

I met a nice guy on a matrimonial site. The chemistry seems good. We both instantly clicked to each other. I hardly come across someone to whom i feel good connection. He seemed to be so interested and consistent though i did worry thinking of tendency that he might just be rushing.
We both are living in different states. Anyway, we talked on phone and he planned for a meet up.

However, I have a bad past, involving his colleague, though we never got intimate. Things ended and i was no more on talking term with him when i met this new guy.

I did told the new guy about concerns on my past (involving guy) and distance. He said my past doesn t matter. He even said we can workout on distance. He was so excited about us till i told him the truth about his colleague.

He got shocked. He said he cant digest it but at the same time he did not want to let me go. He pulled away for two days but reappeared on third day claiming he likes to know me. But i noticed that he changed. He blamed timing for knowing me late.

He told me now that our relationship might not be practical. There is distance and he has family commitment( being the only son). He felt ashamed that he rushed. His answer was as simple as that. He said he like me as a person and continued texting me, now mostly platonic.

I felt so bad thinking have i done the right thing by telling him the truth? And i wonder how quickly people change. Where are his promises?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You did the right thing by being honest. This is someone you met on a dating site two months ago, but haven’t dated yet — and now that he’s found out you dated a colleague of his in the past, he’s not interested in you as a romantic partner. I know you’re disappointed, but you were wise to get this out up front. He was going to find out anyway, and you might have had more invested in the relationship by the time he found out, making him feel betrayed and causing an ugly breakup. It’s always much better to know each other’s deal breakers up front, then later down the line. I know you’re upset about his “promises” but you have to remember that the two of you never had a single date — so if you bank on promises from a guy you’ve never dated, you’re making a mistake. 😉 Dating is a process and it sounds like you’re using it well — and hit a little bump in the road. You didn’t lose someone you never had, and since you never dated, try to brush it off and keep going — just not with him. 😀

[Sally]

When something feels promising and then shifts, it makes you blame yourself.
But being honest didn’t ruin this. It just sped up the truth. If someone can only feel close to you when parts of your life stay hidden, that closeness was always fragile. You didn’t trick him into liking you. You showed him the real you, and he got scared once things got complicated.
People make promises when feelings are high. Then reality hits, and some of them back up instead of leaning in. That hurts, especially when you didn’t do anything wrong.
You didn’t lose a great guy by being honest. You found out early what he can and can’t handle. I know that doesn’t make the disappointment disappear, but it does protect you in the long run.

[Tara]

You did the right thing by telling the truth, and no, it didn’t cost you something real. It exposed something weak. This man wasn’t “suddenly confused,” “overwhelmed,” or a victim of bad timing. He was interested as long as the situation was clean, convenient, and flattering to his fantasy. The moment reality entered the room, especially one involving his colleague, which bruised his ego and threatened his social comfort, he folded. Fast. That’s not love, courage, or commitment; that’s a man who talks big until things get mildly uncomfortable. His promises weren’t broken; they were never solid to begin with. They were dopamine-fueled enthusiasm from a man enjoying attention, not vows from someone capable of standing by a decision.

Now stop blaming yourself and stop romanticizing him. He downgraded you to “platonic texting” because he wants the emotional benefits without the responsibility or risk. That’s cowardice wrapped in politeness. If he truly wanted you, distance and family obligations would be logistics, not excuses. Men who want something don’t suddenly discover they’re the “only son” after getting close.

[Member]

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