[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. I’m 19, he’s 20. For the past year and a half, he has been away (far, far away!) at school so we don’t get to see each other that much. I don’t think he’s cheating on me (though i’ve become a bit suspicious as of late). basically, it’s his winter break and he’s been home for about two weeks and will be leaving in about a week. before coming home he said, “this break is going to be about you”. I knew that it was a bit exagerrated, but stupid me believed him. Since he’s been home, he has spent the majority of his time sleeping, or with his friends. I’m on good terms with his friends, i used to hang out with them all the time. Now, it’s like me and him will hang out for about 5-6 hours twice during the week (i work all day) and for maybe a day and a half over the weekend. And after he sees me (i have a curfew), he ALWAYS goes out with his friends. basically, he devotes less than like 40% of his time to me, and the rest to partying with his friends. When i ask him to hang out, i always feel guilty, like i’m tearing him away from them, which is RIDICULOUS and i know it. It seems to me that he is trying to distance himself from me. We used to be together every day on his past breaks, and thats the way we both wanted it. I spoke to him about it yesterday, when he made the RIDICULOUS statement that he couldn’t hang out today because we hung out thursday and friday and he needs to see his friends (he saw them thursday night after seeing me, and we spent all day friday with some mutual friends). it hurt that he said, “i don’t want to see you everday”, when he doesn’t even see me most days. Now he hasn’t been answering my texts all night. He says he still loves me and cares about me…but what am i supposed to think in this kind of situation? i really don’t demand that he spend time with me…i give him plenty of space. but when i do ask for a little extra time or attention, it’s as though i’m monopolizing his life. any thoughts?

[katdawg]

I can understand why you’re confused. You’ve known him for three years, has he always been the type to not back up his words with actions? He doesn’t seem to be backing them up even though you even thought his comment was a bit exaggerated (which it was). You shouldn’t really expect another person to provide ALL of your needs but you two ARE spending time together. Express your need for more one on one time without his friends and if he doesn’t want to consider your needs maybe you should consider moving on if that’s a deal breaker for you. The two of you are young, you’re still a teenager. It is healthy to have friends and a life outside of your relationship; you can’t lose yourself in your relationship because that is where resentment starts to grow. Your reigns on him ARE a little bit too tight and if you’re not careful it will push him away because he’s being suffocated. Your twenties is where life begins and you start to figure out and experiment with life. You might end up causing unnecessary anxiety within your own self because you seem to have a need to micro-manage every hour of your life. Relax a little; you still see each other, talk and text so it’s not like he’s deciding to cut all communication with you. He may not be returning your texts at night because you’re overwhelming him with them. When your parents put too many things on your plate don’t you tend to throw your hands up in the air and want to shut down?

[Ask April Masini]

You need to be a little more realistic about your situation. If you’ve lived very far away from each other for the last half of your three year relationship, and given your ages of 19 and 20, it’s not normal for you to expect him not to date, and vice verse.

It also sounds like he has spent good time with you on your winter break together, but you need more from him than he is willing to give you. Rather than accept that he’s not interested in the same intensity that you are, you’re looking for reasons why he acts the way he does.

It’s hard when one person in a relationship wants less from the relationship than the other person, but that’s what you have. He’s not being unreasonable by seeing you three days a week during break, but it’s just not enough for you, and it’s up to you to decide if you want to stay or go.

I would encourage you not to call and text him to ask him to hang out, but rather to let him be the one to set the dating schedule. Your calls and texts are making him feel pressured to spend time with you he doesn’t necessarily want to. That’s not making him feel very good about your relationship. In addition to which you can get a much clearer picture of what he wants from you in the way of time together in a relationship if you let him set the dating agenda.

I think the real problem here is that a long distance relationship isn’t working for you. You’d be much happier with a boyfriend who is geographically desirable — at least for most of the year!

My advice to you is to not create drama, but rather accept what your boyfriend wants in the relationship. When you go back to school after winter break, consider dating other men. It’s too much pressure on you to have to wonder if your long distance boyfriend is cheating on you and then not getting your dating needs met during the winter, spring and summer college breaks when he’s near you, but he’s got other friends he wants to spend time with instead of being with you.

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