[austy10]

i am currently 17, and i live in mexico half the year. One year about 7 years ago i met this boy. My grandmother asked him jokingly which one he wants to date he immediately pointed to me. The next day he called me asked if we could go to the movies blah blah blah. He was my first kiss. Then i left and went home we continued speaking as innocent kids. And when ever i would go to mexico we would be together. He would always tell me how speacial i am and all that. Finally about a year ago when i was 16 things began to get serious with us over the summer. We could not be apart and he told me i have been falling in love with you since i was 11 years old. I have been waiting a while to say it because i wanted it to be real but i am in love with you. I would tell him, that i am scared because we live across the country from each other and i dont think long distance works. We tried long distance but i ended it after four months i could not take missing him anymore. When i ended the relationship i said i dont want to hold you back from other girls, blah blah. I think we should be together only when we are with each other in person. He responded by saying the only girl i want is you. a few months later he gets a new gf. I didnt care untill she went on his account and blocked me. when i saw him a few months after that he came up with this intricate lie saying that they were broken up. Which they were not. I was so hurt because we were back together for the time i was there and madly in love.. so i thought.. but then i started thinking and why would he go through all that effort of lying if he didnt have the same feelings. he would bring me every where even out with his friends. we have such a history and i just dont know if it is a one way street. Does he like me like i like him? if i lived in mexico full time would he dump the other girl friend? should i forget about him? all i want to know is if he feels the same way and who he cares about more me or her?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re right — long distance relationships are complicated and difficult — more so than regular, in-town relationships. And at your ages, it’s very normal to want to date and to find someone who is close by to date. Not seeing you for six months out of the year, and not dating during that time, at his age, is a little hard to ask of someone….

The other thing you have to understand is that feelings and behavior are two different things, and you can have feelings for someone, but it doesn’t mean that acting on them is the best or smartest thing to do. In other words, you can feel love, or even just a crush, on someone — but if they’re not compatible with your goals of having a monogamous, long-term relationships, then it’s best not to act on those feelings. And if you know that a long distance relationship isn’t going to work for you, then in spite of your feelings for this guy, it’s best not to act on them. A more clear example is married couples — sometimes the man or the woman is attracted to someone else who is a neighbor, a colleague at work, or even a stranger in a coffee shop — but they don’t act on those feelings because they understand that feelings and behavior are different. You can have the former without the latter.

Whether he likes another young woman more or less isn’t the point here, and I’d advise you to stick to the point and not distract yourself with other thoughts — the point is that the two of you live in different countries for half the year and although you both have feelings for each other, this just won’t work. 😥

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[austy10]

I totaly get what you are saying about us not being able to be in a full time committed relationship and i agree with that. But the thing is what do i do when i am in mexico. Should i tell him that we cant do anything? If i do that there is no way to avoid eachother becasue we live nextdoor to each other and have the same friends. When we are together even in a large group of peole it feels like we are the only two people there. When he smiles at me from across the room i and everyone els in the room can feel the love. So it is going to be hard not to at least hook up. should i say that when i am in mexico we are together but when i leave we are just friends and we are free to see other people. The only problem with that is one of us going to get into a relationship (like he is now) and then when we see each other one of will be cheating on their other person (like we did). I think that we have something special and i would be willing to risk a break up in order to be with him. Currently he is the top person i want to be with and everyone els falls to the waist side. however, how can i tell him to end things with his gf for the time that i am there and then get back with her when i leave. That wont work because it means breaking up with the girl friend for a few weeks at a time for me but then i go home and obviously i will hook up with other guys and he will get back with his gf. This is a cycle i have been dealing with for a while and the way he deals with it is by lying and saying he isnt with his gf. Am i the other girl or is she? how can i make it work while making him happy and not seeming clingy and forceful by making him break up with his girl friend for a few weeks at a time ? We both love each other it is just hard at our age and the temptations and feelings are much to great to not act on them unless i make a set rule saying NOTHING can happen. HELP!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]But the thing is what do i do when i am in mexico. Should i tell him that we cant do anything? If i do that there is no way to avoid eachother becasue we live nextdoor to each other and have the same friends. When we are together even in a large group of peole it feels like we are the only two people there. When he smiles at me from across the room i and everyone els in the room can feel the love. So it is going to be hard not to at least hook up. [/quote]

Decide what YOU want and then make that your priority. Living next door to him and having many of the same friends will give you more of an opportunity to focus on what it is you want. Focus requires discipline, and I know that’s tough — but again, the more you know what YOU want, the better you’ll be able to go about getting it.

[quote]should i say that when i am in mexico we are together but when i leave we are just friends and we are free to see other people. [/quote]

That’s an option that you can choose — however, I always advise that men and women can’t be friends. One person always likes the other one more — and in this situation, that’s going to be a real issue. So if you want to date him when you’re both in Mexico, that’s fine, but don’t expect to be friends when you’re not in Mexico. It won’t work. 😳

[quote]The only problem with that is one of us going to get into a relationship (like he is now) and then when we see each other one of will be cheating on their other person (like we did). [/quote]

You won’t be cheating on each other if you’re both clear about what’s going on. 😉 For instance, you should be very clear that when you’re apart you’re not dating each other, and you’re not friends, and it should be expected that you’re dating other people. This may be very difficult for you, as it would be for most people, but it is an option.

[quote]I think that we have something special and i would be willing to risk a break up in order to be with him. Currently he is the top person i want to be with and everyone els falls to the waist side.[/quote]

Then, go for it! But try to be realistic about the challenges your specific situation faces.

[quote]however, how can i tell him to end things with his gf for the time that i am there and then get back with her when i leave. [/quote]

You can’t, and you shouldn’t. It’s his choice — not yours. You shouldn’t make demands on a guy like that. But you should be aware that he’s dating someone else so you can decide how YOU want to behave, under those circumstances. 😉

[quote]That wont work because it means breaking up with the girl friend for a few weeks at a time for me but then i go home and obviously i will hook up with other guys and he will get back with his gf. This is a cycle i have been dealing with for a while and the way he deals with it is by lying and saying he isnt with his gf. Am i the other girl or is she? [/quote]

Well….. it actually is working. You just don’t like it. As for your question about who the other woman is — you’re both the other woman. He’s single. You’re single. She’s single. You’re all free to date whomever you choose.

[quote]how can i make it work while making him happy and not seeming clingy and forceful by making him break up with his girl friend for a few weeks at a time ? [/quote]

You can’t make him break up with his girlfriend for a few weeks at a time. You can decide to date him or not under the circumstances. If you try to MAKE him break up with his girlfriend, you will be seeming forceful and unrealistic. I know you want what you want when you want it, but it’s more important to understand the reality and then make choices for yourself. 😉

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