[lostMe]

I am 22 years old and have been dating a guy for the past 10 months. Starting with physical attraction, we eventually developed into strong feelings for each other. However, I was always doubtful of him as a long term partner. Before we started dating he had a female friend towards whom feelings of love developed. 2-3 months back, I encouraged him to start talking to her since they were good friends, and he missed the conversations he had with her. Upon my insistence, he started spending Saturdays with her. It made me uncomfortable, but I hid this from him and rather pushed him more. Then one night he tells me that he hugged her and lay for hours the weekend before when he visited her place. This shook me up even though I was the one who had pushed him away. 2 weeks later he comes to me with a sad face saying that he ended it with her after making out with her. I broke up with him then. I was in so much pain as soon as he left, I hadn’t anticipated it. However after some talking, we got back together, and in the process the other girl got hurt.
Problem: he has been racked by guilt of hurting such a good and dear friend. I was utterly jealous at his pain, but slowly I controlled myself, thinking that it’s normal. But now after 3 months, he tells me that he still thinks of her daily. He pinged her a few times. 2 times her friends called him and said not to contact her as she becomes distraught whenever he contacts her. He wonders when she will forgive him. This disturbs me greatly. Is he still in love with her? Is it right of him to think of her so much?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry this is painful. The lesson here is that men and women cannot be friends. It’s not politically correct, but more often than not, it’s true. I’m sure you completely understand now, that it was a mistake for you to push him to contact her and spend time with her, if you wanted a monogamous relationship with him, yourself. Now, you’ve gotten back together with him, but he’s missing her and telling you so. 😕 It really sounds like he’s not ready to be in a relationship with you because he’s not over her. Your questions about whether or not he loves her or whether it’s “right” for him to think of her so much are understandable, however…. whatever you want to call it (love, lust, lost friendship), he misses another woman he’s broken up with. And whether or not it’s right isn’t really on the table since the two of you are entitled to your feelings. As much as you may want him to love you and only you, it’s just not the case in this scenario. I think that it might be prudent for you to try and find someone to date who really wants you and only you. 😉

[Member]

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