[Hevalla]

My partner and I have been together 8 years, when we first got comfortable with each other we had the marriage and children talk, he told me he want both as do I. After 7 years together we fell pregnant with our son, almost as soon as he was born and the topic of marriage was raised and he told me the thought of marriage terrifies him and he doesn’t want to. He knew what getting married meant to me and that it was a huge condition when it came to me having children with someone. He now avoids the topic like the plague, when I ask him why he doesn’t want to marry me he says he doesn’t know. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to leave the relationship and break my family up but I also don’t want to stay in a relationship where the other person doesn’t want what I do and become unhappy and resentful.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re upset. The answer to this issue lies in your own behavior — not his. 😉 You’ve wanted to get married for a long time, but stayed with a man, who for eight years, knowing marriage is important to you, doesn’t share your desire to marry and isn’t moving to get married. Now that you have a child together, nothing’s changed on the marriage front. You feel the same way as you did before. He feels the same way as before. His behavior matches his feelings. But, yours doesn’t. You’ve wanted one thing, and done another — consistently. Your choice remains the same. You stay or you go. It’s easy for me to tell you that this is pretty simple: You decide and then you act on your decision, but I know you don’t want to leave your boyfriend more than you want to be married — otherwise, you would have done it during these eight years. My advice is that either you stay and make the best of things or go and focus on being a single parent and then dating. You have to understand that in doing so, your boyfriend may find someone else to date and even marry, and your child will have a step-mother or a step-mother figure, joint custody, etc. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can try to help you work through this. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Hevalla]

Thanks for your reply but I think you may have misunderstood what I said. For the our first 7 years he told me he did want to get married then after our son was born he told me the truth. My condition for having children with anyone was marriage which he knew, so it was almost like he used the baby to trap me as he knew that I wanted to be sure I was going to be with the person that I had children with for the rest of my life, and now it seems to me that he has used the child to keep me around until he finds the greener grass, almost like a get out of jail free card, because as far as he’s concerned now that the child is around he believes I won’t leave him.

Believe me if he had ever once told me he didn’t want to get married in the 7 years before our child I would not have stayed with him and waste time investing in a relationship that had no future. The only reason I agreed to have a child before marriage was because after all, being a woman I have an expiration date on the baby making and I’m almost 30 as it is.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m so sorry I misunderstood the one point about him saying he wanted to marry you for 7 years — and then changing his mind after you had a child together. However, that really doesn’t change things. The’t bottom line is that whether or not he said he wanted to marry you, for 7 years he never did. And while you said you wouldn’t get pregnant without getting married, you did. You both said one thing — and did another.

I understand your wanting to have a baby and your concern for your age, which is your late 20s, and having a viable pregnancy, but the truth is that you could have easily gotten married first. All you need for marriage, is a blood test, a legal license, and a day at City Hall. It’s pretty easy. But you didn’t do it. 😕 While it’s easy to blame him, I don’t think it’s fair or productive at this point. I know you’re disappointed at being an unmarried parent, but that was your choice, and it’s probably best now, to focus on the baby you wanted and got. 😀 In the scheme of things, that’s the big bonus here. 🙂

Let me know if you have any other questions. 😉

[Member]

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