[taylornicole015]

I have a question and I wanted to make it public so I can get advice to see if I am right or wrong.

Yesterday was Easter Sunday. Dinner at my house was for 1 pm. I told my boyfriend this for weeks in advance so he would know that. Dinner comes around yesterday and he is a no show. I call him at 1:30 and say “where are you, it’s past 1” he tells me his phone alarm never went off to wake him up.. I tell him fine, because at this point I am a little aggravated. I say you can still come, dessert hasn’t been served yet. He chooses not to come, yet still expects me to come over to his for his Easter dinner. I didn’t go. I figured that I clearly was not important so why go to the trouble of traveling thirty minutes to get to someone who put me last on Easter.

The reason I find this to be such a big deal is because I love holidays. I think they are a day to spend with the family and loved ones, I don’t like to miss them at all and the fact he did miss mine and choose not to come over really pissed me off. It made me feel not important. So as for yesterday I didn’t really speak to him the rest of Easter night, didn’t text or call. Today, I am still pretty upset but I tried to text him normal until he said “so when are you going to get over it” That really pissed me off, which is why I am here. I need to hear from others, is this a big deal or is it just me? I need someone to tell me if I am right to be pissed off that my boyfriend skipped out on a holiday with me.

Please let me know your input. Thank you so much.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Fill me in a little more, first. How old are you both, and how long have you been dating?

[taylornicole015]

I want to add in, he did work the night before I forgot to say that… However, I would have been more accepting of him to show up later no matter what time that is compared to him not showing at all. That is what was a slap in the face to me — that he didn’t show any time of the day on Easter.

Needless to say, he has had this job for the last year and a half and has never missed a holiday before — he has always shown up.

He is 25 years old and I am 22. We have been together on and off for the last almost three years.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. Thank you for filling me in. I think the operative issue here is the nature of the relationship. If this were a neighbor who didn’t show up, you’d consider them a rude flake and move on. If a friend didn’t show up, you’d be mad, but not as mad as you are now. The thing is, you were expecting [i]your boyfriend[/i] to show up. And when he didn’t, and was so cavalier about it, it was [i]your boyfriend[/i] who stood you up. Not a neighbor. Not a friend. Your man. 😕

You mentioned that you’ve been dating “off and on” for three years. And while I’m not sure why you’re dating off and on as opposed to consistently, he clearly doesn’t take the relationship as seriously as you want him to or as you do. He either didn’t care about your feelings, or didn’t think about them — not showing up when he had said he would is a clear showing of disinterest and/or disrespect. That it was Easter dinner he stood you up for, sends a clear message that he’s not into being part of your family and social circle.

My advice to you is to pay attention to his behavior. Again, I’m not sure what the “off and on” component of your relationship is, but if you want a committed, long-term boyfriend who respects you, he’s not that person. 😉 I think this is probably going to be disappointing to you to hear, but I suspect you already know it.

[taylornicole015]

Thank you for your kind response. It was insightful to hear since my own family and friends have said the same thing – apparently everyone else knew but me.

I went to speak with him last night and the moment he got into my car he had nothing nice to say. He was full of rude comments and he actually told me he never wanted a commitment, he never wanted to talk about future stuff, he never saw us having a future or getting engaged or even seeing us lasting. This continued on for a little while he spoke his peace and I told him the only way we can stay together is if he decides to put in effort for this relationship and will starting putting me as a priority and he told me that’s something he couldn’t do. So I had to break up with him. I feel really upset after being with him for so long and having to officially have this over but at the same time it’s like how could he lie to me so much throughout this relationship.. He told me everything I wanted to hear but now it turns out none of it was true.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re disappointed in the relationship and mostly in yourself for letting it go on so long. I am, however, glad you figured it out now. It’s a great lesson to learn, and some people don’t learn it for decades past your own age. So don’t be hard on yourself.

For future, stay focused on your goal. It shouldn’t be to make something work as much as it should be to really look openly at the relationship and decide if you’re both compatible. If you want a commitment, and you start dating someone who doesn’t, no matter how much you like each other, you want different things. 😕 Find a guy who wants the same commitment you do, and who will want to be at your family functions and have you at his. 😉 The sooner you become single, the more likely you are to find him.

[Lune David]

I’m in the same situation, so this really hit home. Oversleeping happens, but choosing not to come at all and then expecting you to show up for his dinner—says everything. The “when are you going to get over it?” comment wasn’t forgetful, it was disrespectful.

And after hearing he never wanted commitment, it’s clear you didn’t lose anything—you saved yourself time.

My question for April is:
Why do we keep giving chances to people who show us from the start that they’re not willing to show up for us—emotionally or even physically?

You did the right thing walking away.

[Tyler Brooks]

If a 25-year-old misses an important event, the problem is not the alarm, but the intention. If he cared, he would set 5 alarms and would tell Taylor to “believe people when they show you who they are.”
I agree 100% with April’s advice that you shouldn’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t want a real commitment from you. The sooner you’re single, the sooner you’ll find someone who truly respects you and your family.

[Member]

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