[jd32469]

After 17 years of marriage and 2 kids, almost 20 years of knowing her my wife and I are getting divorced. There was not any cheating, abuse etc but things did get bad between us such as arguing in front of the kids and how ridiculous she got with some of her demands. She put no money into homes, cars etc all was on my dime. My whole family has disowned me. She invites them over to her new home to spend the holidays with her boyfriend and they haven’t missed a holiday yet. My family and her do not see any problem with this. Am I going nuts for thinking that they should of cut ties to a point? I mean they hang out with her boyfriend??? Am I being too sensitive?

[AskApril Masini]

I’m not here to pass judgment on your feelings. 😉 You’re hurt. That’s the bottom line. It sounds like you divorced because of fighting and what you saw as incompatibility between the two of you. Now, she’s living in presumably what was the home you bought for the family and she got a lot of money from you in the divorce and child support agreements. You’re sore about that. In addition to which, she’s dating someone who has a relationship with not just her, but your kids, and your family. So you’re completely cut out. In addition, your family has disowned you — although I’m not sure why. Was it the divorce, or something prior to that?

Anyway, here are your choices:

* You can find someone to date and be with so that you have your own support system in that relationship. You can introduce her to the kids, and become friendly with her kids if she has them — as well as her family. In other words, you can do the same thing your ex-wife is doing and see if that works for you.

* You can try and make amends with your ex-wife without getting back together. You’re still the kids’ father and you can try and co-parent and be inclusive of your ex-wife and her boyfriend. This may build bridges and get you invited to those holidays you’re being excluded from. Her boyfriend will probably still be part of the picture, but you won’t be excluded.

* See if you can mend fences with your family in spite of the fact that they’re doing something you disagree with. In other words, build a relationship with them that is separate from the one they have with your ex and kids. Most people feel some disappointment in their parents. It’s life. Things don’t always go your way. What you do next is more important than what disappoints you.

Let me know if any of that resonates for you, and if you have any other questions.

[jd32469]

There is a lot more to the story than I wrote due to a word quota. I was actually the one that found a woman to replace her before she found another man to replace me. Thru my oldest sister my parents were told that whenever she asked them to watch the kids she was for fact on a date with her bf who she swore on a stack of bibles was not the truth, so she lied plus when she found out about my gf she w/o any conversation with me told the kids “daddy moved on too quickly he has a gf already”. That created a lot of issues with my kids esp since she was lying to all about her bf. I a a retired police officer so I have evidence, pics texts because she was going to fight me for custody. We agreed to not give the house away but we had turned down a $516,000 OFFER but she wanted to accept a lesser offer by 10 grand so she could ove on faster with her bf. That along with so many other stories I can tell you but IMO a parent esp a mother should never turn her back on her only son. Let me remind you there were NO extreme circumstances from either one of our ends to end the marriage

[AskApril Masini]

I’m really sorry you’re hurt. I know that if you can find a way to let go of the anger over choices that have already been made over the divorce, the house, your respective new partners and the kids, you’ll be a lot happier. And yes, I know it’s difficult. And it takes time.

As for your mother disowning you, it’s very hurtful. I can’t imagine it. But she has. If you can find a way to break your own pattern of anger and instead, offer her an olive branch, you may find your disappointment dissipates. It probably seems completely foreign for you to do something like that, but what you’re doing now isn’t working, so I think you should give it a try.

[jd32469]

I know sometimes in life you have to be the better person and suck it up, but there is so much history which has made my decision not to continue my relationship with them. I tried that many times already. My mother couldn’t even admit to me that she and John sat next to them during one of my son’s football games. I actually took pics and video of them that day, I told her that and she still could not be real with me. In a sick kinda way it was hysterical to me. EVERYTHING I am today is from the negative effect’s they had on me esp John (dad). I worked my ass off 70 hours per week to save money to have a down payment for aVEN house for my family. I got to where I wanted to be in life and she, who put ZERO DOLLARS AND ZERO CENTS INTO THE MARRIAGE WAS ALLOWED TO TAKE HALF OF THE NOTHING SHE PUT IN WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE OVER $81,000.00, PLUS $3,000 GRAND PER MONTH AS WELL AS SHE GETS MY PENSION REGARDLESS OF ANYTHING, WILL BE GETTING $8500 PER MONTH UNTIL THE DAY SHE DIES AND SHE CANT EVEN BE NICE TO ME!!! THATS WHY IT HURTS EVEN MORE THAT THEY TOOK HER SIDE

[AskApril Masini]

I’m really, really sorry. I can feel your pain and how unfair it all is.

That said, you sound like you have a lot of assets as a man, and I would hate to see this anger and this regret become the focus of your life. Try to stay centered on what is good and let go of what brings you pain. 😉

[Lune David]

Wow… this whole thread feels like a holiday soap opera with a plot twist every 5 minutes. 😅 A 17-year marriage ends, and suddenly the ex-wife, her new boyfriend, and the entire family are celebrating holidays like one big happy team — while the actual husband gets treated like the extra in his own story.

It’s wild how fast loyalties flip when emotions, money, and new partners get mixed together. Honestly, anyone would feel blindsided watching their family cheer from the sidelines with the ex’s new guy. This situation isn’t “too sensitive” it’s just messy in a way that should come with its own theme music.

[Member]

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