[DazedandConfused8]

About 13 hours ago my life changed. My financee (engaged for 5 months, together for 4 years) told me she wanted a “break” and packed up her things to stay with a friend for a while.

I’m shocked, confused, heartbroken, and upset.

This year has not been an easy year for us: we’re both in school full time, I work full time and she works part-time. Finances were a frequent issue as we adapted to 2 people living off the salary of 1.5 people, however we’ve adapted and have been doing better. Our wedding planning was coming along well: we’ve hired a planner, picked the venue and photographer, given our deposits, and so on. With our busy lives, we stopped communicating and stopped making time to BE a couple. If she was done school or work at 7pm she’d come home, we’d have dinner, watch some TV, and go to bed.

We were having a busy year but it was about to be over and I thought things would get better: she graduates next month, I graduate in August. After that we’ll both have stable, full time careers, and be able to work on spending more time together. Or so I thought.

We just went on vacation three weeks ago to visit with family. It was a great time to get away and relax. I always feel we connect better and have a really great time when we’re on vacation, away from the stressful deadlines of work and school.

I thought this would get better after our graduations and that we could work on everything. Her complaints were a variety of issues about her and I. On the one hand, she complained that our relationship had lost its spark, which I agree with, and was both of our faults. She said she wasn’t feeling sexually attracted to me and had to try to have sex. However, she also blamed herself and her career: she has dreams about travelling the world, seeing the sights, and maybe even changing cities for work. So do I, and I thought we would do those things together.

One comment that caught me off caught was that she felt the relationship was actually “too stable.” She swung from an abusive boyfriend who wouldn’t let her have a driver’s licence and destroyed her SIN card to me, who helped her get her licence and SIN card immediately. She swung from regular drug use (usually with and because of that boyfriend) to someone who said “no, you’re not going to do that with me.” In the 4 years we’ve been together we’ve grown so much as individuals and as a couple, with new friends, family, qualifications, jobs, and education. She said she felt she was holding he back and couldn’t take an interest in what I like doing, but she also said she felt I was holding her back by being too stable. I thought we would make decisions together about what’s best for the both of us, but I guess she feels that doing so is limiting her freedom.

Both of us come from previously abusive relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends as well as parents. Neither of us are perfect, but where I saw the opportunity for us to grow and learn together, I guess she saw that she was overwhelmed and needed to take a break.

We’re planning on getting married, buying a house, and maybe having kids in the future. To me, this is only the start of our relationship – the tough times while we get our degrees and jobs to be able to finance and support our future dreams. However, to her she feels this is too fast and too much like settling down.

There is nothing I wouldn’t do for this woman. Part of me feels like this is the usual jitters that every couple gets before getting married: the questions running through their heads about whether they REALLY want to go through with the marriage, and after a few weeks she’ll be back home and we can work on things. However, another part of me thinks that was the end, and that the next time I’ll hear from her will be to gather the rest of her things and divide the property and money we have. Right now she says she wants at least 6 weeks to reflect on herself to decide which path is the best option. I would really like to get into counselling either during that 6 weeks (while we live apart) or immediately after (assuming we’re back living together).

Any help or advice you can offer is great.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very articulate about describing the situation — she wants more spark. You agree — but it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything to give her what she wants. 😳 If you have, then forgive me for missing it. If someone is able to tell you that they’re missing the sexual connection, or the spark in the relationship, then unless you make some changes, things will continue to unravel, as they have been. The question for you now, is: What are you willing to do to try to get her back? It sounds like you’re complacent to wait for her, but my advice would be to make some changes in your behavior, and try to win her back. A separation after a four year dating period — isn’t indicative of a happy ending, but if you do want her, you have to go get her. 😉

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[DazedandConfused8]

[quote=”April Masini”]You’re very articulate about describing the situation — she wants more spark. You agree — but it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything to give her what she wants. 😳 If you have, then forgive me for missing it. If someone is able to tell you that they’re missing the sexual connection, or the spark in the relationship, then unless you make some changes, things will continue to unravel, as they have been. The question for you now, is: What are you willing to do to try to get her back? It sounds like you’re complacent to wait for her, but my advice would be to make some changes in your behavior, and try to win her back. A separation after a four year dating period — isn’t indicative of a happy ending, but if you do want her, you have to go get her. 😉

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Thanks April! I appreciate it. That spark does indeed seem to be suffering, and I was hoping we could work on it in another month (once she’s done school). However, she wants to take the time until then to focus on school (as she says).

I’ve received a lot of different feedback about “winning” her back: some say leave her be completely for the next 6 weeks, others say send a text every week or so, or offer to go for coffee. What is your feedback on the right way to win her back without scaring or further stressing her out?

[Ask April Masini]

You have to win her over the same way you did when you first started dating her. 😉 You should send her flowers, gifts, love letters. You should invite her out to special dinners and to do things she loves. You should give from your heart and be strategic. I’ve written a book called [b]Date Out of Your League[/b], [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url], that will give you tons of basics that you can adapt to your specific situation. And if you get the opportunity to spice things up in the bedroom, you should. If you need direction on some sexy dates, you can buy and read [b]Romantic Date Ideas[/b], [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url], to get some hints on how to get the X back in your sex life. 🙂

Hope that helps!

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[DazedandConfused8]

Well, I’m doing my best to not contact her. It’s been a week since I last saw her (last Sunday). On Friday I put out a feeler to see what her reaction was to us getting together for some coffee sometime, and she said sure, she would let me know.

It’s crazy tough waiting for her response, not knowing whether it’s going to be tonight, tomorrow, or in 2 weeks. Especially with the fireworks tonight, I’d really like to invite her out just to see them then head home – no drama, spontaneous, maybe chat a bit – I *think* starting small with a mini-get together like that would be good. However, you (April) have suggested inviting her out to things she likes in order to re-win her over, yet others have suggested against speaking to her or contacting her at all.

I’m curious, April, what you think about those who say to go completely “no contact” and wait for the woman to contact the man?

[Ask April Masini]

I don’t think you should wait for her to contact you. 😉

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[DazedandConfused8]

[quote=”April Masini”]I don’t think you should wait for her to contact you. 😉[/quote]

I did contact her (on Friday) about going for coffee. What else can/should I do?

[Ask April Masini]

That wasn’t what I had in mind. 😕 If she left because there was no spark, asking her out for coffee is probably going to confirm her decision that there is no spark. 😳 Coffee is boring. And while a coffee date is a great way to get to know someone you think you might be interested in — this is your ex-fiance you’re trying to win over. Coffee is not going to show her you want her back and you’re making changes.

Here’s my advice from last Tuesday. I think it’s good advice under the circumstances. 😉

[quote]You have to win her over the same way you did when you first started dating her. 😉 You should send her flowers, gifts, love letters. You should invite her out to special dinners and to do things she loves. You should give from your heart and be strategic. I’ve written a book called Date Out of Your League, http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html, that will give you tons of basics that you can adapt to your specific situation. And if you get the opportunity to spice things up in the bedroom, you should. If you need direction on some sexy dates, you can buy and read Romantic Date Ideas, http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html, to get some hints on how to get the X back in your sex life. 🙂 [/quote]

I know you’re feeling anxious and want everything to change right away, but the best you can do now, after four years and the good information she gave you is to really think about what happened, how it happened, what your role in it was, and what you’re willing to do differently. Even if you’re not able to win her back, this process will help you with future relationships. 😉
Hope that helps.

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[DazedandConfused8]

I appreciate your feedback April. I really do.

[quote]That wasn’t what I had in mind. 😕 If she left because there was no spark, asking her out for coffee is probably going to confirm her decision that there is no spark. 😳 Coffee is boring. And while a coffee date is a great way to get to know someone you think you might be interested in — this is your ex-fiance you’re trying to win over. Coffee is not going to show her you want her back and you’re making changes. [/quote]

Well, I think one of the largest reasons she fell in love with me was for being stable, but I see your point. I also think coffee is a good way to meet in a neutral setting to talk to one another.

So, my plan right now is to give her another week of no contact, meaning we’ll be 3 weeks through the 6 week “break”. On the Thursday before, I want to text her asking her to a dinner date wherever she wants on the Friday evening. We always tried to set aside Friday evenings to eat out together, go see a movie, spend the evening together, etc. so that’s my reason for choosing that date. I also know she’s done school that day at 1pm and I’d be done work at 3pm.

How should I go about saying this so she has to say yes, and what can I do to make this evening a success? I want to ask her to choose the time and place so she feels in control; but at the same time I think it might also be meaningful if I told her where we were going, showing that I know what she likes.

(By the way, we’ve yet to go for coffee. I’m trying to give her the space she asked for.)

[Ask April Masini]

I think you should re-read the advice I’ve given you. 😉

Asking her for coffee and texting her for a date when you’re trying to win her over, aren’t going to do the trick. In addition to which, a “break” after a four year relationship, is often a way of segueing out of the relationship without a dramatic cut off, so while you’re taking her at her word that this is a six week break, you should be a little more realistic that it may be something other than just a break. It may be an exit strategy. 🙁

I’ve given you a lot of advice here, and I can tell you’re weighing it, but it doesn’t sound like you’re ready to take it. You’ve titled this post as a problem due to stress, but in the body of the text, you’ve written that she says the spark is gone. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get clarity and be brutally honest with yourself about what’s going on, and what she wants, if you’re going to change your behavior to get her back. 😉

I hope that helps!

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[DazedandConfused8]

Well, I figure I should provide an update on what’s happened over these past 7 weeks. Her graduation day has come and passed. The last of her things will be moved out this weekend.

She’s initiated most of the contact, which is good (or so I’ve read). Usually it’s been texts from her asking when she can call. I’ll wait a while then give her a time. It starts out asking when she can come pick up a few things, but then we’ll stray into talking about how our cat is doing, what we were doing at school/work, etc. We’ve talked almost once a week and probably seen each other 4 or 5 times in the past 7 weeks.

On her grad day I told her congratulations and hoped her day went well. She said thank you and that she couldn’t have done it without me. This really has me confused because (I think) it’s true and it’s a thoughtful thing to say that I wouldn’t expect from an ex. Or maybe she’s just being polite? What’s your reading into it?

We’re supposed to see each other on Friday; then on Saturday she’s coming over to pack, and on Sunday she’s coming with a truck and that’s that…

[Ask April Masini]

[quote]On her grad day I told her congratulations and hoped her day went well. She said thank you and that she couldn’t have done it without me. This really has me confused because (I think) it’s true and it’s a thoughtful thing to say that I wouldn’t expect from an ex. Or maybe she’s just being polite? What’s your reading into it?[/quote]

Don’t be confused. Here’s the explanation: She’s simply trying to keep the break up friendly and civil. That you wouldn’t expect that type of polite behavior from an ex is just limited experience. Many exes — especially those who are happy about their decisions to move on — are polite in the way she is. She isn’t confused, and she’s clear about what she’s doing, which is why she feels she can afford to be polite, and even kind to you. I don’t think you should read anything into this, like her having feelings about getting back together again. This is just her way of “doing the right thing” in light of the break up.

I hope that helps.

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[DazedandConfused8]

Well, what great timing this has been!

I got a drunk call from her last night. This is one confused girl.

She repeated what she’s already said several times: that she was bored, she felt tied down, she felt like she was holding me back, she wants to do drugs, and she just wants to be single and ‘free’ for a while before figuring out where she wanted to go in life. She’s already been kicked out of one place and is already living in her second. She’s been doing drugs and clubbing every night and loves it.

Then she got into apologizing, crying and saying she was sorry she had to do this to me. She said she has daddy issues and is really messed up and unstable right now (her words). She again repeated how great it was being with me and how thankful she was for everything I had done for her. She actually said she feels like my purpose in life was to get her stable, and well-supported so she could move onto other things. Wow! That one hurt.

She said she wanted me to “stand up to her” in fights and “put her in her place” (her words). She wanted me to “be a man” by telling her that I was going out with friends or doing something rather than asking (not for her permission, but to make sure we were prepared for it). Huh!?

Then she repeated how we weren’t “right for each other.” Then she asked how I was feeling and doing, because it would “make a difference” to her to know how I’m feeling. This conversation went on for about 45 minutes. Again I was non-committal about anything specific. Then she put me on “hold” and hung up on me.

She’s obviously confused. She was also drunk, but she didn’t say anything different than what she had said in person.

[Ask April Masini]

Let me know if you have a question. 😉

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[Ethan Morales]

Your feelings of shock, heartbreak, and confusion are completely natural. After four years together and being engaged, it’s normal to feel blindsided when your partner initiates a “break.” Your reflection on the year shows self-awareness: both of you have been under tremendous pressure with school, work, and planning a wedding. Recognizing the stress you’ve shared is important it helps frame that her decision likely isn’t just about you, but about her internal state and capacity to cope with life changes.

Her reasons missing spark, feeling too stable, and struggling with sexual attraction point to dissatisfaction that’s both emotional and experiential. She seems to crave novelty, excitement, and freedom, and perhaps perceives your stability as limiting her exploration of life. This isn’t necessarily a judgment on you personally; it reflects her values and needs at this stage. You’re correct to note that growth and stability are positives, but they may not align with her current emotional desires.

Your interpretation that this could be “pre-wedding jitters” is reasonable, especially given the context of a major life commitment. Many couples experience doubts before marriage, especially when transitioning from years of relative instability to planning a future that requires long-term compromise and joint decision-making. However, it’s also possible she’s seriously considering what she wants independently of you, so assuming she’ll automatically return without addressing her needs could be risky.

April Masini’s insight that action matters is key: identifying the problem is only the first step. If the relationship feels stagnant or lacking in spark to her, waiting passively won’t necessarily fix it. To rebuild attraction and connection, you’ll need to actively demonstrate change in ways that align with her needs emotional, sexual, and experiential. This may mean consciously introducing novelty, deepening intimacy, or showing flexibility in her interests.

Counseling either during the six-week separation or immediately after is a wise suggestion. A neutral, professional space can help both of you clarify whether your differences are reconcilable and provide strategies to reignite connection. It also shows her that you’re committed to the relationship and willing to invest in personal and shared growth, rather than passively hoping things will improve on their own.

The larger question is about priorities and effort. You clearly care deeply and have envisioned a shared future, but her decision signals that she needs something different or more from the relationship. Your next steps should be deliberate: focus on improving the connection, creating experiences that reignite her attraction, and approaching the situation with patience and empathy. Whether or not she returns, this period can clarify both your values and the relationship’s potential for long-term fulfillment.

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