[andrewj869]

Dear April,
I have been married to my wife for almost 8 years. Three months ago, by accident, I found out that she had been texting an ex boyfriend. There were hundreds of texts spanning three months. When I asked her about it she lied several times, until she could not lie anymore. She assured me that it was innocent and they had only been talking as friends to see what was going on in life. I can understand that people build connections in relationships and just because it did not work out does not mean you stop caring. I reluctantly let the issue go, trusting my wife like i always have. About two days ago I found out that this was not a relationship it was only sex. Now I am confused as to why the so called innocent conversations would have happened. I feel more betrayed now then I did before and I don’t know what to think or do. I don’t want to feel this way anymore and I need some advice. Thank you

[Illusion777]

No that I can say I have a valid response to this, having not been married before, but…….to put it bluntly if I were married and I found what you did, asked my husband what was up, had him lie to me, AND then kept conducting the same behavior it seems to me like you could have one of two general situations going on.

A) She’s a bitch, plain and simple. You’ve been married to her for a while, maybe she’s been doing other things that were slowly asserting her power in the relationship until it got to this point where she feels its okay to cheat on you. Just as many women feel over-entitled as men do.

B) (and most likely in my opinion) is that she feels like something is missing in the relationship and somewhere along the way, you two got your wires crossed and stopped communicating effectively, so she got frustrated and, rather than being a mature adult and just leaving, she decided to cheat on you.

What can you do?:

Go to her VERY calmly, very maturely, and state what you know. Theres no reason to be afraid, whatever happens you’ll be able to deal with it, you’ll live. Think of it this way. You’ve been together 8yrs, you could go on saying nothing and be unhappy for much longer OR you could work through things and be happy OR you could be free to be happy on your own.

Anyways, go to her, state what you know, and confront the issue. Don’t put things on her, don’t say “you did this or you did that” no blame game bs. Ask her what YOU did wrong. Ask her why she feels like she’s done this and what she felt like she was lacking from you that she could get from this other guy. Listen to precisely what she’s saying, don’t try to write it off as this thing or that thing. And then when she’s done, explain that what she’s done has hurt you a lot, but that you’re willing to work past it. Maybe try a marriage counselor, or just set up a specific time, every day, where you can work through your issues. Something like that, and you can give her a little time. If, however, things don’t work out after a couple weeks, she relapses, OR after telling you what’s wrong she plain doesn’t want to stay with you, you should get your things in order for a divorce. It sounds big and bad and scary but again, you’ll be far happier away from the situation that stuck in it for a lifetime.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I like a lot of the advice [b]Illusion777[/b] gave you.

What I’d like to add is: Betrayals don’t happen in a vacuum. When people cheat it’s not about just one of them — it’s about both of them. In other words, there was something going on in your marriage that created an exit door for your wife. Her cheating does not mean your marriage is over, and I’m not condoning what she did at all. It was hurtful and deceitful. However….. this is a problem you both have to deal with together. If you can see it as an opportunity to get deeper into who you are as a couple, you may see a way out.

Talk to her and ask her what happened between the two of you. Tell her how you feel and find out how she feels. Then decide to try to make your marriage better. Figure out where the parts of the relationship that caused her to walk away from you, and towards another man, are — and how you can do your part to bring her back. If she wants to stay, then she’ll have to do the same. If she doesn’t want to stay, then that’s a different story, but for now, it’s important to roll up your sleeves and do the hard work that is part of many marriages. 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

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