[feathersonaflume]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We’re both in our early twenties, and this is also the first relationship for each of us, so sometimes it’s tremendously difficult to figure things out, especially after an argument. We get along fine, but like every couple, have our differences. Lately, it’s been more tough to handle. I am just looking for some advice on how to resolve a few issues.

1. Time Spent: We don’t live together, but fortunately only live about 20 minutes away from each other. I live at college, and he lives with his family and works at a steady job. I appreciate my personal time, and he wants his too..but I am the type of person that plans ahead so I know what I can fit into my busy schedule. Sometimes my boyfriend finds this overwhelming, but I know I should let him come to me and ask as well. I don’t expect for us to see each other more than 1-2 times a week with our schedules, but I know he’d be fine going a week or more. Though I try not to take it personal, and I know we need time apart, I still get anxiety from it. [b]How can I make sure we will spend time together without forcing myself on him?[/b]

2. Problems Outside of Relationship: My boyfriend has been so helpful and caring. Lately, if an issue comes up, he doesn’t want to be a part of it. I have several family issues as well as no stable home for the summer, and lately it’s been concerning me. I don’t want him to feel obligated, but it’s difficult for him to understand when I get emotional about personal issues.

For example: I recently needed a place to stay over break, as my college dorm rooms close down for the week. I stayed several days at a friend’s house, and had also asked my boyfriend if I can spend a few nights there (had also wanted to spend time as well). He said it’s not a problem, but after I stayed before I left to go back to school, we got into an argument. The main reason is because he’s still living with his family, and though his parents and I are close, they don’t always want company over. I was confused as to why he said it was fine for me to stay, then brings it up, yet again, that his parents need time to themselves. (Of course, I justify it, because when I visit him, I keep to myself, go out for the day with a friend, or spend time with my boyfriend). I just feel he thinks I throw my problems on him, which he has admitted, plus apparently I get “annoying”… and I’ve been working on managing things myself, but he has been a great support and other half in my life.

I offer to let him stay over in my dorm, but he’s not comfortable sleeping if my room mate is here, plus the bed is very small (I’m sure we can squish together…) We’re just not seeing eye to eye on things lately. I have hope for us, and we’ve been through a great deal together and have built a strong relationship. I am just not sure how to go about fixing things, he doesn’t see a problem, but I do. When we get into an argument, he wants to drop it and forget about it, while I want to talk it out until the issue is permanently resolved. Like many women, I am very emotional. So, when he speaks up about an issue or his opinion, I often get upset if I feel hurt at all by it. Then, he’s afraid to be honest or open in the future which freaks me out. I am working on handling things, but right now I feel lost as to what to do next. I don’t want to break up, and I am certain he’s on the same page as I am.

Sorry if this post is super lengthy..I’m just feeling worried I’m pushing my love away. Please help!

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]1. Time Spent: We don’t live together, but fortunately only live about 20 minutes away from each other. I live at college, and he lives with his family and works at a steady job. I appreciate my personal time, and he wants his too..but I am the type of person that plans ahead so I know what I can fit into my busy schedule. Sometimes my boyfriend finds this overwhelming, but I know I should let him come to me and ask as well. I don’t expect for us to see each other more than 1-2 times a week with our schedules, but I know he’d be fine going a week or more. Though I try not to take it personal, and I know we need time apart, I still get anxiety from it. How can I make sure we will spend time together without forcing myself on him?[/quote]

You’re asking the wrong question — and that’s the problem. 😳 Instead of working on what you [i]can[/i] work on — [b]you[/b] 😀 — you’re trying to change or fix [i]him[/i]. That never works. When women try to get a man to change, it’s never effective without them changing themselves, first. 😉 So, focus on your anxiety because that’s the real problem here. If a boyfriend doesn’t want to see you as much as you want to see him, then the idea is to get him to want to see you more. That means that when you do see him, you have to get him to want to spend more time with you by being enticing and enchanting. I get the feeling here that you’re acting needy, not flirtatious. 😎

[quote]2. Problems Outside of Relationship: My boyfriend has been so helpful and caring. Lately, if an issue comes up, he doesn’t want to be a part of it. I have several family issues as well as no stable home for the summer, and lately it’s been concerning me. I don’t want him to feel obligated, but it’s difficult for him to understand when I get emotional about personal issues.

For example: I recently needed a place to stay over break, as my college dorm rooms close down for the week. I stayed several days at a friend’s house, and had also asked my boyfriend if I can spend a few nights there (had also wanted to spend time as well). He said it’s not a problem, but after I stayed before I left to go back to school, we got into an argument. The main reason is because he’s still living with his family, and though his parents and I are close, they don’t always want company over. I was confused as to why he said it was fine for me to stay, then brings it up, yet again, that his parents need time to themselves. (Of course, I justify it, because when I visit him, I keep to myself, go out for the day with a friend, or spend time with my boyfriend). I just feel he thinks I throw my problems on him, which he has admitted, plus apparently I get “annoying”… and I’ve been working on managing things myself, but he has been a great support and other half in my life.
[/quote]

You’re looking to him to fix problems in your life that you need to fix, yourself. He lives with his parents — he’s not in a position to house you, and it’s a mistake for you to look to him for that solution. When he says that you’re throwing your problems on him, I can understand why he feels that way from what you’ve written, so again — instead of trying to change him — YOU 🙂 need to change your behavior, and stop looking to him to fix your problems. If you have a housing problem, then solve it without involving him. 😉

[quote]I offer to let him stay over in my dorm, but he’s not comfortable sleeping if my room mate is here, plus the bed is very small (I’m sure we can squish together…) We’re just not seeing eye to eye on things lately. I have hope for us, and we’ve been through a great deal together and have built a strong relationship. I am just not sure how to go about fixing things, he doesn’t see a problem, but I do. When we get into an argument, he wants to drop it and forget about it, while I want to talk it out until the issue is permanently resolved. [/quote]

You need to start looking at your problems differently. If he doesn’t want to discuss them, then don’t discuss them with him. Men don’t want to discuss problems that they can’t fix, and he can’t fix the problems you’ve described here. You’re just dating — you’re not living together, engaged, or married, so rather than treat him like a girlfriend who will discuss every nuance of every problem in your relationship with you, for hours — or like someone who’s made a commitment that’s long-term, respect the fact that 1) the two of you are just dating and 2) he lives at home with his parents and isn’t in a position to help you with housing problems, and it sounds like he’s not interested in them, either.

[quote]Like many women, I am very emotional. So, when he speaks up about an issue or his opinion, I often get upset if I feel hurt at all by it. Then, he’s afraid to be honest or open in the future which freaks me out. I am working on handling things, but right now I feel lost as to what to do next. I don’t want to break up, and I am certain he’s on the same page as I am.[/quote]

If your emotions are causing him to clam up, then consider that he’s not going to be the person you can talk to that with. Men aren’t everything for you. They’re not your mothers or your sisters or your girlfriends, and they don’t want to be treated like that. I think if you branch out a little and use the women in your life to discuss some of these personal problems with, and just see him as a boyfriend, in the more traditional sense — someone who asks you out on dates when he wants to see you — you’re going to be a lot happier, and less confused. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Member]

Posts