[NKFaust]

I’m pretty new to this kind of thing, but I guess this is where I’ve come to. I’ve just entered freshman year of college and it’s been great so far. I’m a guy, I’m 19 about to turn 20; I should feel on top of the world. But, I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom. My life in terms of dating and relationships is, quite frankly, pathetic. I don’t have a problem talking to girls; I get along with girls better than I get along with guys. I think this may be part of my problem. Girls see me more as a best friend/brother/dad (yes, girls have called me dad), and that’s not where I want to be. My guy friends tell me I have a problem of “sealing the deal.” I cannot ever get a girl to invest in me romantically. I’m polite, I’m nice, I’m a gentleman, I make girls laugh. I used to play football and I’m in good shape. I work hard and have set goals for my life. None of this has helped. But I think the biggest problem I have is confidence. I’m frightened of trying to talk to a girl I like; my heart starts racing, I get nervous, my thoughts get jumbled and I have no idea what to say. This past weekend I had a formal and I asked a girl that I thought was really cute and sweet to go with me. I spent the entire weekend with her and it was awesome. I felt a little awkward, but spending a weekend with a girl you don’t know extremely well is gonna be. I sent her a text after I got back to my dorm saying thank you for being my date and that I had an amazing weekend with her. She replied, saying that I was a complete gentleman the entire time and that she had a great time. I kinda like her, but so do a lot of other guys. And I keep putting myself down because of this fact.

I guess what I’m asking is two things:
1. How do I make myself not look like friend-zone (or dad-zone) material? and
2. How do I gain confidence in myself?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Nice guys finish last. When you’re too nice and too available, you’ll lose out. You already know how to get a girl to go out with you — but you’re having trouble getting to the next step. So let’s go over your dating technique! 😎 When you go out with a young woman you like, do you flirt with her? Are you affectionate? Do you focus on taking the relationship to the next level? Also, are you too available? Do you always return her messages or phone calls right away as if you have nothing but time for her?

It sounds like your life is full and rich — but I’m not sure you convey that to these women. Without being a jerk, let them know you’ve got other options — because you do. Give them something to hope for. 😎

I think that when you you focus on these things, and start taking steps to execute them, you’ll begin to gain confidence at the same time you take yourself out of the chronic friend zone you seem to have fallen into. 😉

Let me know if you have any other questions.

[NKFaust]

When I go out with a girl, I try to flirt, but I’m just not the best at it. What’s the best way or most basic way to flirt? I’m affectionate; whenever I go on a date or I’m with a girl, my primary concern is making their time the best they can have. If she’s happy, I’m happy. If she’s mad or sad about something, I’ll do what I can to fix it.
I’m pretty spotty when I text; it can be 30 seconds to maybe two hours before I’ll respond. I usually am pretty busy with work and school. And concerning letting them know that I have other options without being a jerk: how do I do that exactly?

Thank you!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Check out this post I wrote on why nice guys finish last. I think it’s going to help.

https://www.askapril.com/dating-tips-why-nice-guys-finish-last-1029.html

🙂

[Sally]

Being kind, funny, and respectful isn’t the problem. The issue is that you’re playing it safe because you’re scared of messing it up. Girls feel that hesitation. When you don’t show clear interest, they relax into friend mode because it feels safer for them too. Attraction needs a little edge, not arrogance, just intention.

Confidence doesn’t come from knowing the perfect thing to say. It comes from accepting that rejection won’t destroy you. Your heart racing doesn’t mean you’re weak — it means you care. Most guys feel that, they just don’t talk about it.

With that girl from the formal, you did great. Next step is simple: ask her out again. Clearly. No overthinking. Even if it doesn’t work, you prove to yourself you can survive trying.
That’s how confidence starts. One honest move at a time.

[Tara]

You are not unlucky, misunderstood, or secretly overlooked. You are safe, non-threatening, and completely unpolarizing, and that is why women don’t want you sexually. You’ve optimized yourself to be liked, approved of, and emotionally trusted, not desired. Being polite, funny, reliable, and “dad-like” makes you comforting, not attractive. Attraction requires tension, risk, and intent, and you avoid all three because you’re terrified of rejection.

Your confidence problem isn’t mysterious,s it’s earned. You don’t trust yourself because you never act. You hesitate, overthink, wait for permission, and hope a girl magically upgrades you from friend to lover without you ever making a move. That doesn’t happen. Ever. The girl from the formal didn’t reject you; she categorized you correctly based on your behavior. You thanked her like a host thanking a guest. Gentlemen don’t get dates; men with desire do.

Stop hiding behind “niceness” like it’s a moral shield. Nice is passive. Nice is safe. Nice is forgettable. If you want to stop being friend-zoned, you have to stop behaving like someone afraid to want something. That means flirting instead of entertaining, leading instead of reacting, touching with intent instead of apologizing with your body language, and making your interest obvious early instead of confessing feelings after the moment has passed.

Confidence doesn’t come from affirmations or self-help nonsense, it comes from repetition and exposure. You get confident by risking rejection, surviving it, and realizing it didn’t kill you. Right now, you’re choosing the pain of invisibility over the pain of rejection because it feels familiar. That’s cowardice, not caution. Until you start acting like a man who’s willing to lose, you’ll keep being treated like a boy who’s safe to keep around.

[Member]

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