[Anonymous]

Hello,
I’ve been dating my girlfriend now for 4 years. We’ve been dating this long because we both decided that we wanted to finish with college before we moved into the next phase which would most likely be marriage. Well, she finished her bachelor’s degree last month and I’m finishing up my second degree within the year. Well, she’s now decided that she wants to go to grad school which would require her to move away for 2 years. I feel like I’m ready to move to the next step and now I’ve been informed that I’m going to have to wait 2 more years. I’m not really opposed to the school thing, I love her and I’m willing to wait for her. It’s the distance that I just can’t deal with. It’s being separated from her for 2 years that I’m having problems with.

Over the course of our relationship she has always said that she just wanted her bachelor’s degree and then she planned on being done. This grad school thing is just out of the blue and has really taken me by surprise. The problem I’m having is that we’re really close and I can’t imagine my life without her in it. And to have to deal with the thought of her being away for 2 years is just driving me crazy. I would love to tell her not to go and to just stay her and be with me, but obviously I can’t do that because I would be telling her not to go and do what she feels she needs to do. I’m just really in a bad place right now and I’m not sure what to do. All I know is that I can’t let her walk out of my life, I love her too much. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When you wrote that you’re ready to move to the next step, I assume that means you want to marry her. If you do, then my suggestion is that you move to the city where she will be in grad school for two years, and begin your own career post grad school there. That way you don’t have to be apart from her, she can attend grad school and you can pursue a career of your own. If you’re ready to propose marriage to her, anywhere along this time line is a good idea.

I hope that helps.

Check out my newly forming Facebook Group, AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. Become a member — it’s free!! 😀

[Anonymous]

Yes you’re right, I do want to marry her and I would gladly move to the city where she’ll be attending grad school. However, I still have 2 more semesters of my schooling left which means that I have to stay where I’m at now unfortunately. We’ve talked about this problem to no end and she feels that everything will be fine as long as we can talk on the phone everyday and try to visit each other occassionally. However, I don’t feel that it’s that easy. Grad school is tough and we’re both going to be very busy. My main fear is that time, distance and the 2 of us being busy will get in the way and push us apart emotionally. I’m also frustrated because my girlfriend could easily get a similar degree closer to home, around an hour away but she’s choosing not to do that because she really doesn’t want to attend that particular school. I know she should go get what she wants, but I feel like if we both feel that we want to marry each other, then certain compromises should be made if grad school is an absolute must.

I’m also dealing with alot of anxiety and depression over her leaving. I can’t imagine the person I love and want to marry, having to be apart from me for 2 years. And as I mentioned before, I can’t just flat out ask her not to leave because she feels she needs to do this for herself, but then again, I’m having trouble coping with the idea of her leaving me. Now, nothing’s said and done yet and I still have 2 1/2 months before she has to leave. It is possible that the closer she gets to leaving, the more she’ll realize that maybe she shouldn’t leave me for that long. I don’t know, I’m just racking my brain trying to figure out a way where we can be together and so that she can get her masters. Again, any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks!
Ryan C.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Life presents choices, and we all make decisions — consciously, subconsciously, unconsciously or passive aggressively by default. You and your girlfriend are both being given choices, and you’re both choosing your respective education over the relationship. Both of you could easily move to the others’ city and take up your education there. No, it might not be the same quality of education or it may entail doing an extra year of school or it may even require changing your course of study — but you CAN BOTH move and get an education if you want to put your relationship first.

You can also propose marriage to her and decide to have a long distance relationship culminating in an engagement when you both graduate or when one of you graduates or when you get a job — there are lots of ways to do this. You’re just going to have to let go of black and white thinking and get creative, and frankly, that’s good training for making a relationship work.

Also, be careful that you communicate well and don’t expect her to read your mind or read between the lines about what you want and what your ideas are. If you really want to marry her, you need to make a plan to do so.

I hope this helps and alleviates some of your anxiety and depression. Having a plan and taking some action will probably make you feel better.

Don’t forget to join my Facebook group page, AskApril.com at this link: [url][/url]. I look forward to seeing you there! 😀

[Stephanie Ellise]

My advice is if possible, you also move to the city on where she will go for two years and try to find a job there so you will be able to be with her while she’s finishing her grad school. In that way, you two can still be together.

[Member]

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