[melon]

Dear April,

Let me begin with our story.

We started dating since I was 16, he was 17. I did not know wad love was, but he wooed me for 2 years before we got together and I gave it a try.
He was a rebel, skipped school for games, while I was the total opposite. I tried to bring him back to school, making sure he did not fail any of the subjects. This goes on for 3-4 years. I even tutor him before his exams; it was a challenge to get him to concentrate. I was more like a mother.

After 4 years, things started to get better; he started to be more discipline and cared about his studies, but another matter came about. His family was faced with financial difficulties; a very bad one. I started working part time at the age of 17 and pour my savings to help his family. This goes on for another 5 years. I helped more than 15k of my own money ( I do not come from a wealthy family too, as I still need to help my parents with my siblings education).
His family was a gamble addict, and was a bit abusive.

At the age of 26, I was depressed. My parents who have no clue on the issues pushed us for marriage. I’d love to get married to him, as I love him a lot. But we both know we are not ready financially, and emotionally as we kept having arguments the moment he graduated. I earn a stable income while he was not. I supported him financially before he got a job, as his parents were not able to. He paid off his own school fees.

I brought up the idea of “time off” for a year for both of us to settle on our priorities, and to distant myself from his family ( they still need help financially ). He was reluctant as he had been so dependent on me ( financially and emotionally ) for the past 10 years, but agreed to it anyway.
During the time off period, I tried to push him away a little as I need a breather, but he kept making way to me. One mistake I commit which he found out that I was sexting other guy whom I never met before. And this incident made him think that I cheated on him.

That incident hit him hard, but 2 months after that he told me he still loved me and is trying his hardest way to earn a stable income. I was delighted, and hoping for the 1 year term to end. However, one day he asked for an end in the time off period; a break up for real.
I was devastated. I went to depression and I flew to meet him. He confessed he had another girl, and has been dating before he asked for a breakup.

We still remained friend now, he asked me to moved on as he is happy with this girl who is 10 years younger than him. However, he still borrowed money from me which I lend him. And the last time we met after the breakup, we slept together – it was last week.

Till now, I do not know what to do. My love for him never fades and if you wonder why I was sexting the other guy, it was a pure mistake. We started off as friends, talking about work, life, and relationship issue. He was drunk with wine and missed his ex, that was how the sexting comes about.
I need your professional advise.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The best way to have a healthy relationship with anyone is to be healthy, yourself. 😉 That’s where you have to start. You’re behaving in ways that don’t take good care of yourself, and that makes it difficult for you to bring a healthy you to any relationship.

So, let’s start off with honesty. You haven’t been honest with your family about your behavior in this relationship or the person you’ve been involved with. Start there. It will be difficult because you’re used to controlling situations by withholding the truth. Tell them what’s been going on. They will be disappointed, and maybe angry, but you’ve been trying to control your relationship with them by not being honest. Time to change your behavior and your relationship with them. Honesty is more important than their being proud of you.

Next, try to understand that if you act like a guy’s mother, he’s going to act like your child. If you want to be a mother, then be one — with a real child, don’t turn your boyfriend into your kid. When you support him financially, and his family, you’re not acting a girlfriend. And you have to really decide if you want to be a girlfriend. If you do, then you have to act like one. 😉

Lastly, you’ve been giving time and money to someone with problems. This isn’t helping him in the long run, and it sure hasn’t helped you. You’ve enabled him, instead of giving him the opportunity to stand on his own two feet. You have to become comfortable with the fact that life is tough and if you want someone who can support himself and behave in a certain way, then you have to choose that person wisely. Instead, you chose someone who wasn’t that kind of guy. 🙁

I know you’re disappointed and depressed, but if you can take a few steps back, I think you may be able to see that this is a big opportunity for you to change your life for the better. You can make some changes in yourself and find a relationship with someone who is more compatible than this guy who’s moved on because he doesn’t a mother in a girlfriend — he wants someone he can take care of. 😉

Let me know if you have any more questions. I know this is a lot and it’s difficult. I’m here.

[melon]

Dear April,

Thank you for the reply.

I am heartbroken wondering why he moved on so fast despite the fact that I did so much for him. He once told me that no woman will ever be able to withstand this 10 years relationship. And he thanked me for making him a better person; over the years, he learned to be more discipline and take things seriously in life.

In fact the time off period i suggested was aimed to make him more independent and ultimately be able to stand on his own feet. Because theoughout the 10 yrs, i was there for him in his downs of life, when his family abused him and when he needed money. But it comes a time when we were talking about marriage and that was why we took a time off.
He told me that he is now not dependent on me and at the same time the feelings and memories are gone with it. Which i still cannot accept.
People always say, woman’s loyalty is tested when the man has nothing. But sadly he cannot see that.

Being honest with my parents is hard because they like him. In fact he is the only man that i brought to my parents. And we are not wealthy so i am afraid i will disappoint them if i tell them i have been helping him financially. My mother is a seamstress for 30 yrs to support the family. My father is unable to work anymore.

April, we had a very simple and yet happy relationship this 10 yrs. We do not go out on expensive dates, no romantic dinner or getaway. We’d just stay home and talk, movies, cook and we were happy. I know it was genuine. I wonder if i will ever be able to move on from this.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry that things are so difficult for you.

The reality is that he isn’t you into you any more. [b]You [/b]took care of him like a mother — and [b]he[/b] wanted a girlfriend, so he finally got on his own two feet, and went out and got one. 😕 You have to look at this realistically in order to to get over it. 😉 You’re focused on all you did right and to move forward, you have to take responsibility for your own mistakes. I’m not sure you’re there yet.

As for your parents, you’re lying to them so you don’t disappoint them because feeling good is more important to you than being honest . 😳 When you decide that you want to take the high road and have honest and mature relationships more than you want to feel good, you’ll be able to move past this problem. But until you do, you’re stuck in it.

These are your choices. You’re not a victim. You get to live your life the way you want, but there are consequences to behaviors. 😉

[Member]

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