[enigma1800]

Have No1 Else to turn to, Please Help. My boyfriend’s ex female acquaintance (more of a one night stand) had a baby and it turned out to be his, i dont know how to deal with this. Please help, any advise is good. Heres the story, me and him have known of eachother for a few years, then got together and Everything was so great. Almost right away we fell in love spend alot of time together, were thinking about our future plans and getting married maybe soon. he was always honest with me and told me from the beggining that this girl he’s known for like a week got pregnant before me and him met but he does not want to be with her, they live 1000miles away. He does want to be there for the baby but enought to see it maybe once a year and basically more into starting a family with me. After 7months of us dating, she gave birth. Shortly after, she came to see my boyfriend(baby’s dad) and his family, i was not invited to say the least, he did at sum point mention me and that hes not interested in being with her. He said Ill meet his baby next time, its “awkward” now. It Blew My Mind that they took “family pictures” him her and the baby and his whole fam! If they’re not together-they’r Not family! So after all that, things eventually went back to normal with me and him. I should mention I’m definetly not a fan of Daily conversations between him her and his fam bout a little baby! I find it unnecesary. So we’re together so far a year and some, things goin good, comes christmas time- he invites me to his family’s house , its was so special to me and I know how much he loves me and cares for me. And it ends there, now its time for the baby’s 1st birthday, he’s gotta take a trip out, we’re pretty serious, very very close, he’s been saying he wants me to go with him meet the kid, now all of a sudden i find out he’s been sending out gifts for the baby’s mother And Her family!! What is up with that? So he tells me now all of a sudden, “oh ill ask her but i dont know if you coming with me is going to be ok with her and her family” Why not?.. now he’s going to be going with him family, and the baby’s birthday is right before valentines day he’ll get to spend time but the babys mother decided to throw the the birthday Party the Next day, so now he wont be back and will miss valentines day with me… what do i do? IS this something that i entirely should Not be dealing with and should walk Away? Or do i Ignore all this and continue our Relationship?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re in denial. 😮

Your boyfriend and his ex-one night stand are now parents of a child who has blood relatives in his family. His parents are the grandparents of that one year old, and his ex-one night stand is related to his family. Yes,[i] they are family[/i], and it is ENTIRELY appropriate for your boyfriend’s family to become close with his ex-one night stand’s family because they have a child between them all and they want to make a good life for that child as well as her now extended family. The families are making the best of the situation in trying to support the life of this child, together. That you can’t see that means that you didn’t take seriously your boyfriend’s admission of this pregnancy when you started dating him. Now, it’s time to sober up! So here’s that cold splash of water: If you do marry your boyfriend, you will be a stepmother! If you have children with your boyfriend, they will have a half sibling in this baby he had with his ex.

What you’re in denial about is that you’re dating a single father. This is not something for everyone. In fact many women are not able or willing to date single parents because they don’t want to share their boyfriends with his children or his family commitments to his ex. You may fall into this category, and if that’s so, then you should understand that dating only single men without children, is something that is more appropriate for you.

The only way this can work is if you accept and welcome your boyfriend’s child into your life, and find a way to be civil to his ex. You can’t talk trash about her or the child in front of your boyfriend and in fact, you shouldn’t talk trash about her at all. It doesn’t sound like she’s done anything wrong. If you can do this, it will be a relief to your boyfriend.

If your boyfriend is not including you in family functions it’s because he knows how much you dislike the baby and the ex, and it’s too difficult for him to have you there when you’re disapproving. If your current attitude continues, you’ll never be included because your boyfriend will think it’s too much conflict for him, so he’ll keep his relationship with you separate from that of his child and her family. And I can tell you don’t like that already. So, if you’d like to be included become polite and accepting, then tell him you’d like to be included, and his subsequent inclusion of you will signal a deeper level of commitment from him to you.

I hope that helps!

[enigma1800]

Thanks for your advice, it does help to look at it from a different point of view. This whole situation is just so messed up in so many ways. I have no problem with anyone, i told him plenty of times i welcome the baby, I even bought little gifts for the baby for the holidays. I am in my mid 20’s and ofcourse my ideal partner is not a single parent, when we met he did not have kids but right before we met, he met some girl and decided to have a kid with her, this is something 2 strangers decided while they knew they’d be living 1000 miles away and he never wanted to be with her. He’s in his mid 30’s and really loves kids but I dont understand what kind of people are these? Wouldnt u want a family and kids? not just a random kid from a random person not even anyone you love. This is so hard to deal with, after we have been together for 6-7months this baby was born. Yes, I did expect to be a full part of this whole thing, I was shocked to find out I cant come and even more shocked to find out he was afraid to bring me up to her. He did later on but still . The reason me and him are not living together is because I want to make sure this will not be a problem for me. He has already talked to me about starting a family, getting engaged, he wants kids and a family with me but Im very scared. He says the baby’s mother wont ever be a problem but this is already the 2nd trip and if I cant be involved I never will be.
I have no kids so if we stay together, I dont wanna be 8-9months pregnant about to give birth and find out he has to go away all of a sudden cuz his child has a cold. you know? I want the family and children but i want it to be as special to my partner as it is to me. When me and my partner have a child, I do not want anyone to come before this child and i dont know if that will be possible with him, especially when he does not even try to include me and its already his kid’s 1st bday. I dont know what else to do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The problem is that you’re slow to process your relationship with this guy — or else you’re afraid to be without a boyfriend. Although you’ve written that he didn’t have a child when you met him, YOU KNEW that he was expecting a child and that his former girlfriend was pregnant with his baby, and yet you still dated him and got into a full fledged relationship with him. What you failed to do was to calculate what kind of life he was going to have when his baby was born and where you would fit in. Or else, you realized it, but didn’t want to let him go even though you were not going to be happy being with him when he became a single dad. While you’re figuring out now how unhappy you are, this time, don’t make the same mistake you did when you started dating a man who’s ex was pregnant with his child, and miscalculated what that would mean to you. Understand deeply what a future with this guy will mean to YOU!

You wrote that you fell in love “right away” rather than thinking through what dating a single parent would mean to YOU. Slow down — NOW!! Clearly, your boyfriend has different values than you do when it comes to family, and these differences can be deal breakers, so it would be wise for you to reconsider a future together. You ask rhetorical questions about what kind of a person would want to make a baby with someone he isn’t well acquainted with, lives far away from, etc. Well — hello! — you would know the answer better than anyone because you’re dating exactly that guy! What you’re trying to process is the fact that you made a mistake. 🙁 The good thing is that you haven’t moved in with him yet, you’re not engaged, married or pregnant, and you’ve only invested seven months and not more. Now, it’s time to back away from him.

It’s nice that you want to be an equal part of his family with his ex and their child and their respective families, but you have to understand that may or may not happen. And it’s likely to be a very bumpy road, at best. The most you will be to this child and to his family with his child’s mother and their daughter together is a stepmother. Please understand that your boyfriend has 18 years ahead of him that will include custody and child support issues in addition to all other family issues faced by parents with children who are not married to each other. If you are a part of his family, then these issues and others will be yours, too.

All of this [i]can [/i]work out, but only with supreme understanding and flexibility on your part. But frankly, I don’t think you have or want it to work out except if it goes your way. Understand I’m not passing judgment on your wanting things a certain way — but I am trying to guide you towards personal happiness and success in a relationship — any relationship! Your hesitance to further your relationship with this man is appropriate. He’s obviously really at ease with making a baby and not seeing it on a daily basis or any kind of regular basis (and while he thinks visiting a couple times a year is great, I can assure you his son or daughter will feel abandoned by his lack of more regular involvement in the child’s life). You clearly don’t share this value. You are appropriately concerned about having a baby, yourself, with this guy who lives more spontaneously and less conservatively (again, no judgment, but definitely reality check) than you do.

It doesn’t sound like this man is a good match for you — his lifestyle and values are not compatible with yours. Listen to your inner voice and thoughts — it’s time for you to let go of this guy and move on to find someone who is 100 percent yours from the start. I think that from reading your posts that is what will make you most happy and successful in a relationship.

Right now you’re better off single than you are in this relationship that is too complicated for you at your age, given what you want in life.

[Member]

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