[dardar]

Dear April, Thank you for your wonderful help for those struggling with relationship issues.

I ran into an old friend a week back. We’ve known each other just on first name basis about 5 years back. After spending some good quality hours we both realized we have so much in common and have a lot of similar beliefs.

After a couple of days she told me that she is struggling from a bad relationship and doesn’t have the courage to break it up. She said that her boyfriend has been abusing her and cheating on her with a college mate. We spoke for a few hours and at the end (without me asking anything) she contacted him and ended the relationship. But this entire time she was on tears.

She talks to me for hours and spends time with me particularly when she feels is about to break down. The key here is, she keeps asking me “If i am for reals”. She keeps saying that no one has been nice to her as i have been. She loves the fact i am patient with her and do my best to ease her pain… Yesterday she said she wishes we had been to the same school/college or at least work in the same office so we could spend more time with each other.

We have only known each other for a week but..

I really like this girl and I can tell it she likes me too, but although she has broken it off with the other guy, she still cries when he calls, or when she remembers things from the past. She thanked me for giving her the courage to make the right decision, she doesn’t want to get back with him, but still I can clearly see that i need to give her a lot of time to heal from the break up. The question is, I don not know how long? And how do I present myself to her until then? I do not want to push her in to another relationship when she hasn’t had her mourning period, neither do I want to be heartless to talk about a new relationship when she is suffering from the previous.

So I am wondering
a) How long do I wait?
b) How do I present myself till then?
c) How do I make sure she really likes me and not spending time with me cause she wants some company and i am sweet to her?

Ty

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thanks for the advice and compliments, first of all! 😀

As for your problem, you’re asking all the right questions. It sounds like she is still very fragile from the break up, so my advice is to wait until she stops crying when she discusses her last relationship before you consider asking her out on a date. I think her tears are a sign she’s not ready to move on yet.

Until that time, pace your contact. I wouldn’t talk to her every day. Maybe once a week, as a friend, is a good rule of thumb. It’s interesting that you’ve had a great week together and that so much has transpired (your mutual interest in each other, and her breaking up with her boyfriend), but you want to put some distance between your nursing her through this difficult time and your becoming more than just a friend to her. It’s very easy for her to jump out of one long term relationship and into a rebound gig. Don’t be the rebound boy! 😉 Ease up in your amount of contact (hours, times per week), but not in your genuine warmth for her.

You’ll have a much better idea if she likes you “for reals” if she’s not needy and lonely. Anyone coming out of a long term relationship is going to feel needy and lonely, so understand those are normal steps for her. But step out of the way so you don’t become a casualty of her rebound feelings. I know this is going to take discipline on your part because you’re ready and willing, but she’s in a different emotional state than you are, and you both want the real thing, so give her time to get over this break up, before you ask her out.

I hope that helps — let me know how things go. And please join me on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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