[kathryn023]

So I’ve heard the old rule about subtracting 7 and doubling your age … but I’m so torn on this topic based on the relationship I’m currently pseudo-involved in.

I am 21, but mature for my age I’d say, and met a guy this summer at the job I worked (field research). We immediately had chemistry, but I think we both tried to ignore it because it seemed so weird (I definitely thought I was a bit crazy at first – though I didn’t know his age at the time). After a drunken party, we hooked up and acknowledged that we had been attracted to each other for quite a while. He’s 38. After the field work, we were in the same city for about a month and a half, during which we spent a lot of time together hiking, enjoying dinners, and just hanging out. I can simply say we truly enjoy each other’s company. As a bonus, we have a fair number of things in common, but have done a lot of different things and different opinions which keeps conversation interesting. Since then, I’ve gone back to school (I will be graduating college this year), and he has continued his job (obviously), which are located a plane ride apart. While we left things open ended at the end of the summer, with me acknowledging I am a bit of a commitment-phobe, and he told me that I needed to enjoy my senior year, but we’ve kept talking very regularly via skype and on the phone. He flew out to visit me for a weekend, which I was nervous about at first, but we wended up having a really great time. He met some of my friends, which went fine. Since then, I can’t stop talking to him or falling for him further. My track record (granted – I’m young) with long distance relationships is horrible (I generally get bored and end things pretty quickly), but I grow more enamored with him each time we talk. I’ve truly never wanted to spend as much time and experience things as with this guy.

But – as much I am smitten – I acknowledge that the age difference is concerning and kind of weird. We should be at very different points in our lives (and are in some ways, of course), but it also seems like everything else is working. I think we are both happy with the low level of commitment (though we did have conversations to increase that from a free for all), but I just don’t know if it is worth investing so much emotion and time into something that might really be doomed. I am working the same job next summer, so I will see him then again for three months, but after that I will start graduate school and he will probably have a faculty position somewhere. But in other ways – I really feel like I could see myself with him, just because we enjoy the same things and have fun together, for quite a long time into the future. Despite the fact that with other boyfriends who I really thought I loved, I still didn’t like to project more than maybe a coupe of months in the future, I’ve been mostly comfortable (Too comfortable if you ask me) day dreaming about living together and the possibility of having some future. I know he feels the same since he’s volunteered that information, but he’s also not trying to drag me into some sort of weird commitment.

Do people think this is too old? Can it work? Is it worth it?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think the age difference is a big deal, at your ages and stages in life. What is sometimes a big deal is life experience, but it sounds like you’re both single, don’t have kids, and aside from the age difference, you’re finishing college and he’s out in the working world. My advice is to continue to explore the relationship, realistically. The distance is tough, and long distance is not for everyone. You know yourself well enough to know it’s not really your thing, but you’re willing to give it a try because you like this guy enough to see if it’ll work. I say go for it!

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