[LavendarBlue]

Dear April,

Last year I was set to get married and I didn’t. I am in my late 20s btw. In order to move on I began to go on dates just to get my feet wet. I wasn’t looking for a replacement, but just an opportunity to see life beyond crashed dreams. I started dating people in my home town which is about 7 hours from where I currently live. My intention was to move home to be closer to family. While on one of those trips I met a fabulous guy. We had a lot in common and really enjoyed each other’s company. I made an effort to get home every 6 weeks or so, but was stuck in my current location due to job and also trying to just repair my life from my previous relationship. Things began to progress with hometown boy and we finally kissed and became more physically involved, although never intimate. He stated his feelings for me but said he wouldn’t do a long distance relationship.

We continued in this limbo land where I would go out with him when I was home but we never made it official. He came to my city once during the course of about 7 months. At one point last fall he decided that all we could be is friends until I moved. I was hurt and upset so I stopped talking to him for about two months. Over the holidays we got together and saw each other a few times although it felt more platonic because the one time I tried to kiss him he backed away. We did have a good chat about us and he said he still liked me and would be willing to have something more serious when I moved. Over the last few months he has had some personal tragedy in his life and some upheaval in other areas of his life.

Well I finally scored my job in my hometown and I am moving. He was the first person I called to tell him my great news. He seemed less than thrilled. I chalked it up to the other things going on in his life. That being said he finally admitted he just wanted to be friends and there is no future at this point unless or friendship develops he said. He wants to hang out and still communicate. I have not contacted him in over a week and I have heard nothing from him. I know he is not dating anyone else and he has relatively few dates and only one very short lived relationship over the last five years since an ugly breakup.

Is this about me? Is this about his own insecurities? Or is it both? I feel kinda of stupid pursuing something that clearly no longer exists. Where do I go from here? Is there any hope? I am not interested in being friends as I feel I deserve more. I already have platonic friends that I was never involved with. Perhaps we are too far apart to salvage anything. I think no contact for a month is good while I move and collect my thoughts.

Thanks,

Lavendar

[AskApril Masini]

I don’t think it’s you — it sounds like it’s about him. You hinted at “personal tragedy” and “upheaval” in his life. I’m not sure exactly what you’re referring to, but your word choices indicate big issues, not little ones. I think it’s fair to say that he’s not interested in dating you because he’s got other things going on in his life. He sounds like a sensitive person. I hope you didn’t move just for him, but regardless — you have a job and you’ll have a place to live, and you’re single, so you can date. Definitely don’t pursue friendship — that never works, and it’s usually a what someone who doesn’t want to hurt you in a break up says, but they don’t mean it. They just want to get out of the relationship and that’s a soft exit. My advice is to move on, and if he calls you because he misses you and wants to date you, then you can take it from there, but I don’t think you should contact him.

Hope that helps clear the confusion.

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