[Tomread]

So I am looking for some advice on a recent breakup. I (age 30 ) had been dating this woman (age 29) for the previous 3 months until she ended the relationship. Here is a little history on her. She had been married for approximately 5 years prior to this. Her marriage ended last February when her husband told her that he wasn’t happy any more. He had been seeing another woman. At the time she had a new born who would have been 3 months old and another girl that was 2 years old. I had known her history going into this relationship and let her set the pace in it so that she didn’t felt pushed into anything. She was the first to initiate me meeting her children and family and also the first to initiate any sexual activity. We had a great relationship and she is a great woman. Never once had we argued. Just recently we attended the wedding of one of my family members and I noticed a change in her after that so I asked if there was something bothering her. She told me that the wedding kind of got to her and she wanted to take things slower. I could tell she was pushing me away. There would be very little conversation initiated though out the day by text unless it was by me. This wasn’t normal at ll. That week she asked me to come over a couple different times when the girls were there and everything would seem ok when I was there. Then a few days later she asked if I wanted to come over so I did. That is when she broke things off. Her reasoning was that she wasn’t over her divorce and needed some more time to focus on her and the girls which I have every reason to believe. She did tell me that she really liked me a lot and that I was the best guy that she had ever been with. She really is a great woman and I miss spending time with her and the girls. Just today 4 days after the breakup she text me about how nice the day was. A few messages of small talk were exchanged. I would like to know how to go about getting her back.

[AskApril Masini]

Not everyone is going to be a match for you, so when she tells you that she’s not over her divorce, which is a year old, I think you should believe her. You can try asking her out again in six months time — give her a break to see if she misses you. But in the meantime, I don’t think you should wait for her. You should play the field and try to find someone who’s ready and willing! She wasn’t ready. For future, you may want to hold back on bringing a new date to a family function like a wedding — meeting your family is usually what you do when you’re serious about someone, and having been newly divorced, being at a wedding with you may have made her feel rushed. Lighter dates like dinner, movies, walks, art museums, concerts, hikes and picnics — are all easier ways to get to know someone without either one of you feeling the pressure of introducing family. 😉

[Tomread]

Ok, I understand what your saying. Why would she still be contacting me?

[AskApril Masini]

She’s lonely. She’s not over her divorce and she likes your company. You’re safe and kind and she’s met your family, so you’re probably not a serial killer…. She doesn’t want to date you, but she’s not ready to let go of the friend zone aspect of your relationship — which is where you’ll be if you stay in touch after she’s broken up with you. 😕

[Tomread]

This is about like trying to put a rubix cube together and out of character for me to be asking a 3rd party. So if she does initiate conversation that is meaningless should I just ignore it or explain to her that I do want to be friends but at this time i just feel like i cant because because I still have an emotional attachment to her and the girls? I though about giving her a couple months and then striking up conversation with her. I have no doubt that she wont text back. That’s just the type of woman she is. If that goes well sending her some flower for birthday which is around the same time frame and asking her to dinner sometime

[AskApril Masini]

If you ignore her without explanation, it’s going to make giving it another try down the line less potent because you’ll be that guy who ignored her messages. 😕 I think that if you want to take a little break to give her space to miss you and get her act together, you can tell her that you care too much about she and her kids to just be friends. You don’t want a friendship with her. You want more. Be strong about it — it’s attractive and you’ll feel better taking charge. Then do wait a few months and tell her you’ve missed her and send flowers. Follow up with a call asking her out on a date (not a friend date, a real date). 😉

[Sally]

This is one of those endings that hurts because nothing was actually wrong between you.
From what you wrote, I really believe her. A wedding probably cracked something open in her that she’s been holding shut since the divorce. She went from survival mode back into grief mode. That’s not about you. That’s timing.

The fact that she reached out about the nice day means she still feels safe with you. But safe doesn’t always mean ready. And pushing right now would likely make her retreat more, even if she cares.

If you want any real chance, the best move is patience. Keep it light. Kind. No pressure. Let her come to you at her pace. If she heals and wants you, she’ll step forward.
You didn’t lose her by doing something wrong. You met her while she was still bleeding. That’s just hard truth stuff.

[Tara]

This woman is not available, not ready, and not yours to “get back.” You didn’t lose a relationship you ran into someone who is emotionally wrecked and using you as a life raft.

Let’s be very clear. She is freshly divorced, abandoned while postpartum, raising two babies, and still psychologically bonded to her ex. That wedding didn’t “kind of get to her.” It slapped her in the face with everything she lost and everything she isn’t healed from. You weren’t the problem you were the reminder.

You did everything right, and that’s exactly why this ended. You were stable, present, and real. She doesn’t have the emotional capacity to handle that. She wants comfort without commitment, intimacy without responsibility, and attention without consequences. That “you’re the best guy I’ve ever been with” line? That’s a soft goodbye, not an invitation to try harder.

Now about that text four days later. She’s not trying to get back together. She’s checking if you’re still available for emotional validation. She’s lonely. She’s overwhelmed. She wants the feeling of you not the relationship. If you play along, you downgrade yourself to backup support system while she “figures herself out.” That’s how men get stuck for months or years going nowhere.

You don’t “go about getting her back.” That’s the wrong mindset and it’s weak. You don’t pursue someone who explicitly told you they can’t be with you. You don’t negotiate against her trauma. You don’t wait around hoping she wakes up healed.

If you want any chance and I mean any you do this: you stop texting, stop small talk, stop showing emotional availability. You let her feel the loss of you completely. Either she realizes she’s ready and comes back with clarity and intent, or she doesn’t. Both outcomes give you your dignity.

[Member]

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