[ExpatForLove]

I have an ex-girlfriend. We still spend a lot of time together, and it really feels like a lot us there…we spend holidays with each others families, are together every week, and talk daily. About a year ago (broken up then as well), she came over to my place for a movie and spent the night. We were sleeping in the same bed, and in a horrible, horrible moment I made the disgusting, disrespectful, and utterly ill-advised decision to try and cop a feel. I did so, hand beneath her shirt, and everything. Not a day goes by that I don’t hate myself for this, and wishing fervently that I could take it back. But this isn’t the place for the impossible. Anyway, talking recently about the potential for reviving a relationship, she told me her problem is that whenever I get really close to her (like for a hug or whatever), the memory of that night comes to her mind and repels her. She says she can’t avoid it, it’s stuck in there. I will do anything for this girl. I made a horrific mistake that I will never again repeat, and I truly feel she may be the one. I don’t care what it takes or how much time or patience, but I want to know how I can proceed to go about addressing this issue.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

How long did you date before you broke up?

How long has it been since the break up?

[ExpatForLove]

I’m 24 and she’s 23.

And about 18 months for both questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Wait a minute…. If you’re telling me that your 23 year old girlfriend, with whom you’d broken up but still saw, went to a movie with you at night, came home with you from the movie, got into your bed intending to spend the night with you, a 24 year old heterosexual man, and then freaked out when you made a sexual pass at her, and now doesn’t trust you because of that…. 😯 she’s completely unrealistic, and for her to blame you for that — or for you to blame yourself, is nuts.

Here’s a reality check. If a woman either gets into your bed for the night, or invites you into hers for the night — it’s understood that you’re going to get aroused and make a pass at her. That’s common sense. It’s how men and women work. It’s how dating works. If she wanted a platonic relationship with a man then she shouldn’t have gone on what was essentially a date and gotten into your bed for the night. If she didn’t want you to get the wrong idea and act on it, she should have ended the date or the visit after the movie or at the door — not in a bed! You need to stop banging your chest with a fist in “mea culpa” mode and start calling her on her game. She’s playing you. If she says she can’t trust you because you made a move on her in bed at night, then she’s going to have a problem trusting any man in life! 😯 Because what you did, any normal man would do.

That said, if you want to pursue her, you have to realize that she’s got you stuck in a game she’s playing with you — and you’re in a no win situation unless you get out of it. So for starters, stop acting guilty. You’re not. Then, take a little break from pursuing her so she knows what she’s missing. Nice guys finish last, without fail, so stop being so available. After some time away, give her a call and invite her to dinner and a movie — on a date — not anything else that could be mistaken for a date. 😉

Hope that helps.

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[ExpatForLove]

Perhaps I should clarify something which might change things. Yes, she came over to my apartment to watch a movie there and intending to stay the night. I’m not sure she intended to spend it in the same bed (it was her first time at the apartment, and she may have believed there was a couch or something). Lastly, the reason I feel guilty about the sexual pass was because I made it when she was sleeping. She feel asleep, and I slipped my hand under her shirt, and she woke up to that. I think that’s a slightly more justifiable reason to react as she did as opposed to if I had just made a pass when we were both awake.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry — but a 23 year old woman who goes over to a man’s apartment at night (let alone an ex-boyfriend’s apartment), watches a movie with him, then sleeps in his bed with him, should expect him to make a pass at her. 🙄 She wasn’t sharing a bed with a brother or a gay best friend. She was sharing a bed for the night with an ex-boyfriend. If she wanted to make sure that you didn’t get the wrong idea, she could have slept on the couch, sending you a clear message that she wasn’t interested in anything romantic or sexual. Or, she could have gone home after the movie. I’m not saying that she was sending you the message that she wanted sex — but I’m not saying she wasn’t. When a grown woman sleeps in a bed with a grown man, sexual things will happen. That’s common sense.

Stop blaming yourself. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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[bullden]

in the event that you need to follow her, you need to acknowledge that she’s got you stayed in an amusement she’s playing with you –and you’re in a no score scenario unless you receive in return. So for starters, quit acting blameworthy. You’re definitely not. At that point, enjoy a little reprieve from following her so she recognizes what she’s absent. Fantastic gentlemen fulfill last,

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you.

[Lune David]

Whew
Two exes cuddled up in the same bed after a movie? That setup had more tension than a slow-burn romance novel. And now she’s acting shocked that a sleeping-beauty moment turned into a “hands wandering where the feelings never died” moment?

Let’s be real: sharing a bed with an ex isn’t exactly a monk-level decision. The vibe was already spicy — the lines were already blurry. Her memory clinging to that night like a plot twist she can’t unsee just shows there’s still something simmering, even if it’s messy.

This whole dynamic is basically a cocktail of nostalgia, attraction, guilt, mixed signals, and a sprinkle of emotional chaos — shaken, not stirred.

[Member]

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