[rebeccaelder93]

I am in a long distance relationship with a guy who I really like. Were in the same career field, enjoy exploring, and I truly feel like it could work. But it just hasnt been. I’ve been in over 8 years of long distance relationships and feel like I know the ropes, but he has never been and seems to constantly struggle. Something traumatic happened to me approximately a month ago and his response was very VERY lacking. Although I want to believe that he cares for me, his response seriously made me question if he does. We went back and forth about it for a while and have now silenced about it, but it seems like we made a turn we cant come back from. He’s distant now, doesnt want to talk as much, and has stopped saying I love you. I have tried to give him his space hoping that he’ll come back into the fold, but it doesnt seem to be working. And I need that kind of attention, and because I am trying to make this work and letting him process on his own I am not getting my needs met. He is coming for the holidays, but I’m now concerned it is only because he feels obligated. I’m concerned it will sound like yet another thing I am bugging him about or another attempt to start a fight. I think we can be really good for eachother, which is what makes all of this so frustrating. If I could get back to where we were, where he wanted to call me all the time, and I felt cared for, and there was excitement, then I feel like we could be back on track. But one good day is met with 3 days where he doesnt want to talk. What do I do now? How can I make this better, or is it doomed anyways?

[AskApril Masini]

You’ve only been dating for thee months in a long distance relationship. That means you’re still getting to know each other — and it sounds like you have expectations that he hasn’t met, and now you’re disappointed. He may be, too. 😳 My advice is to back off from the idea that this is a committed relationship and embrace the fact that it’s a new one where you’re learning about yourselves and each other. Don’t try to make this work before you know each other and before you’ve made the decision as to whether or not to continue seeing each other, given what you’re learning. When you take the pressure to make this work off, you have a much better chance of succeeding in relationships than when you jump the gun, rush things forward, and decide to make something work before you know each other well. 😉

[Sally]

It’s so hard when you see what the relationship could be, but the way it’s actually going feels nothing like that. And honestly, it sounds like you’ve been carrying the whole thing on your shoulders. Long distance already asks a lot, and when one person isn’t meeting you halfway, it stops feeling like love and starts feeling like waiting.

What really hit me was how he responded when something painful happened to you. That’s the moment someone shows you who they are, and it sounds like he just… wasn’t there. And now he’s pulling back, not talking, not saying I love you that’s not space, that’s distance.

You’re not wrong for wanting attention or connection. You’re not asking for anything wild. You just want to feel cared for.
If he comes for the holidays out of obligation, you’re going to feel that. You already feel it now.

I don’t think this is doomed, but I think you can’t fix it alone. He’d have to want to step back in really step in and nothing you do will force that.
Be honest with yourself before you’re honest with him. Ask what your life would look like if you didn’t have to chase someone for the basics.
And breathe. You’re not failing. You’re just tired of being the only one fighting.

[Tara]

This relationship is already dead, and you’re the only one still performing CPR on the corpse.
You’re clinging to the version of him that existed before things got hard, because that version gave you attention. But the second you actually needed him, the second real life demanded emotional effort, he collapsed. That wasn’t an accident. That was his emotional baseline. He showed you exactly what he’s capable of, and you’re pretending you didn’t see it.

His “distance,” his sudden silence, his vanished “I love yous”? That’s not processing. That’s checking out. When someone is invested, they lean in during trauma. When someone isn’t, they disappear and hope you blame it on stress so they don’t have to admit they’re done.
You’re waiting for him to snap back into the man he was in the honeymoon stage. News flash: that man was the illusion. This distant, avoidant, bare-minimum version is who he actually is.

He’s not coming for the holidays because he misses you. He’s coming because he’s too cowardly to cancel and deal with the fallout. You’re calling it “obligation.” Let’s call it what it is: resignation.

You want to “get back to where you were,” but where you were was never sustainable. You’re begging for crumbs from someone who stopped even pretending to be hungry for you.

[Jessica Miller]

This really hurts to read because you can feel how much you’re trying. Long distance is already hard, and when something traumatic happens, that’s when you really see if someone shows up or not. Him pulling back, talking less, and stopping “I love you” would confuse anyone.

AskApril, I love how you explained this. It makes sense that after only three months, expectations can get mixed up. Love it how you remind us not to rush and force something that’s still new.

As my point of view, it feels like she’s giving more than she’s getting. One good day and then three silent days? That’s exhausting. Maybe stepping back a little and seeing what he does next will give the real answer.

[Lune David]

Oof… this one stings because it’s painfully real.

Long-distance only works when both people choose effort, not when one person is waiting and the other is “processing” in silence. The moment you went through something traumatic was the moment he should’ve stepped up and instead, he emotionally clocked out. That’s not a small detail. That’s the whole story.

You’re not asking for too much. You’re asking for consistency, reassurance, and presence. And right now you’re getting anxiety, silence, and emotional crumbs.

April is right — three months is still new, but that doesn’t mean your feelings are wrong. It just means you’re seeing the truth early instead of years later. And honestly? That’s a gift, even if it hurts.

The scariest part isn’t that he’s distant. It’s that you’re already shrinking your needs to keep him comfortable. Love isn’t supposed to feel like tip-toeing around someone’s emotional availability.

If he comes for the holidays and the energy still feels forced… believe that. Chemistry doesn’t need obligation.

You don’t miss him — you miss the version of him that made you feel wanted.

in my point of view a relationship shouldn’t feel like waiting for someone to remember they love you.

[Daniel Carter]

This feels like loving someone who already started leaving.

You are not asking for too much. You just want him to care when you are hurting. And he didn’t. That’s the part that hurts the most.

Long distance only works when both people try. Right now, only you are trying.
AskApril, What do you think that
How can someone know if a person needs space… or if they already stopped loving but are too scared to say it?

Because love should not feel like waiting for replies

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