[Ars]

Hi, I am 26years old and getting married in 2months. We have been best friends for a long time and dating since a year& half.he has a guy best friend and they are best buddies. They are very close and chat quite often on the phone. Through out the relationship I have never ever felt that he loves me less or he hides something from me or is not wanting to get married.however, the last few months whenever I see him chatting on the phone with his friend I wouldn’t like it.he would not hide if his chatting but I had a weird feeling about his friend.for once I even thought may be he is gay but he has never ever depicted any signs of it. When we are together he is always focused on me. However, when we met this weekend I saw his texts msgs with his friend. His friend had some romantic texts and he had responded to them once or twice.on confrontation he said he was just helping his friend. His friend has been recently confused about his sexual preference and confessed his interest in my fiancé. My fiancé told him all this is wrong and that he is not interested. So he tried to pop some pills and commit suicide.my fiancé got worried for him and Thot that if he responds to his msgs romantically and make him realize that he is not gay it would help him psychologically. He was feeling really guilty and assured me that there is nothing between the 2 and he completely loves me. He was very firm on his answers and did not stumble or try to hide anything. 90% of me says he is saying the truth but could it be that he has hidden feelings for his friend and he hasn’t realized it. You think he will change his mind later? Shud I forgive him and give this a chance. We are out of time coz we are getting married soon and our parents don’t know all this. Please help.awaiting your reply.

Sent from my iPhone

[AskApril Masini]

You have to ask yourself if your fiancee has any history of expressing interest in being with men, and be brutally honest with yourself, when you do. You can also try to have an honest and open dialogue — more than just one conversation — with him, where there’s no blame and no putting him on the defensive. What you want to do is create a safe environment in which to elicit truth.

What’s of more immediate concern is the friend who attempted suicide in order to get attention from your fiancee. When a person attempts suicide, you should not try to handle things yourself. It’s a serious problem that calls for professional attention, and it would be wise for your fiancee to realize this isn’t something he can help with on his own. He can be supportive, but he should really call a hospital or emergency help line.

Let me know if you have any more questions — I know I couldn’t shake a Magic 8 Ball and tell you for sure if your fiancee is being truthful or not, but you should keep talking, keep paying attention, and at a certain point, decide if you’re okay to move forward or not, given what you do know.

[Ars]

Thank you for the reply. Through out our relationship he has never mentioned about any interest in men. He has never made me feel less loved,he has always been committed to me,totally interested in the marriage and focused on me whenever we are together.since I came to know about this I have asked him in a lot of different ways if he has feelings for his friend and hasn’t realized and he keeps saying he is 100% sure about his feelings for me and assures me that won’t change. The only proof I have is what he is saying.i want to trust him but something is stopping me.if he really is committed to me and just made this huge mistake which he is already regretting I don’t want to let him go but how would I know that.how do I get to the truth? Thank you.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re asking me a tough question — you’ve been dating for 18 months, and were friends with your fiancee prior to that time — you know him better than I do, and you’re going to have to use you own instincts. I can advise you on relationship skills, which I have, but it sounds like the two of you have talked about this, openly, and he’s adamant that he’s not gay. You can only do so much at a certain point. There are many couples who are married for a long time, before one or the other of them comes out as gay. It’s a huge shock to many of them, but relationships have a lot of surprises in them. Sometimes a person doesn’t make it through the latter half of the for better or for worse part of marriage when the chips are down. Sometimes people cheat. Sometimes they abuse substances or destructive behaviors. Sometimes they have mid-life or other types of crises. So, you do the best you can to get to know your fiancee and yourself, and make prudent decisions, but you can’t buy insurance against life. The best you can do in that realm is to make sure you have a prenuptial agreement to protect your assets in case things don’t work out. But as for protecting your heart, that’s where you have to dig deep and trust your instincts, and then let go and move on in a direction that suits you.

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