[Isabella3]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year. At first, I wasn’t too into him so at the first argument I broke up with him. We got back together 3 months later and he was different, not as deep as he used to be. He’d bring up me dumping him often and at some point he would tear up about it. I tried to re-assure him but he was distant. Meanwhile I met his brothers, sister and recently his parents. On our last trip together I questioned the fact he had never said he loved me. He said we needed to enjoy the moment
. It felt weird to me but I decided not to bring it up again.
Prior weekend we both had the flu, but had a nice evening together, following day his mom called and never told her I was there and she was on the speaker. When he said I was going to take care of him she said something very hateful about me, then said she was counting on me. At first I was in shock, he attributed to his mother being very old (80) I tried to not let it bother me but I was crying. So I decided to leave. He asked a few times that I stay and that we talk about it but I didn’t want to talk. I told him he should rest and that I’d call him when I got home. I called him to tell him I was home and that I wasn’t mad at him for what his mother said but for not standing up for me. The following day he texted me and asked how did his mom’s comment turned into what it did. I told him I was going to send him an email and to please reply to it. In it, I questioned how he didn’t say anything to his mom and that I needed to know his feelings toward me and that I loved him and that I hoped he loved me back but I wasn’t going to be involved and love someone that did not love me the same and that every time we were together intimately was like giving him my heart and soul to dispose of it and that I couldn’t do that any more and those were my last words – I could not do it anymore
The first response from him was that he was trying to digest it, I told him I shouldn’t be so difficult but apparently it is. Then he said he was trying to get over the fact that I gave him an ultimatum. I told him that was not all, that it was fair to know for both of us how he felt. He didn’t say good night to me that night. The following day, there was no good morning. Instead at noon he texted me about his work as if nothing (while I had poured my heart on that email and was waiting for an answer). So I didn’t reply. Haven’t heard back since. Today is a week. I realize my reaction was a symptom. A very small part of me regrets the ultimatum just blasted out but at the same time I know what his silence mean. I have spent days thinking that if he loved me he would have answer quickly, he is too late. Now I wish I had a chance to tell him all this. How if we had mutual feelings this would have not broken us apart.
My friend says he is immature and that I should call him to say my peace (closure) that if I wait until I am really over him, it will be too late to even call.
I know he finished a big work project he was involved for months last Thursday and that he is going away this weekend with his brothers, so not sure if I should call, wait or forget about him forever. Please let me know your thoughts and sorry for the long post.
Thank you

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The problem with ultimatums is that if you don’t mean them, you’re stuck with them. 😕 He’s taken the road you had hoped he wouldn’t, and now you’re regretting having opened that door for him. 😳 I don’t know how old you both are, but it sounds like you’re wanting a relationship with a commitment that leads to marriage, and you don’t think he’s the one — but you wish he was. It’s tough when you love someone who isn’t who you want him to be.

I think your break up with him at 3 months into the relationship was a turning point. You didn’t really talk about why you broke up with him or why you got back together with him and what changed as a result…. but that was the starting point for change in the relationship. It could have been good change, or bad change. Your overhearing his mother’s call was very hurtful, and you’re right, it would have been great if he had immediately corrected his mom and told her that he loved you and it hurt him to hear those things — or to laugh at her comment and say that no one will ever be good enough for her. I get it that that hurt you. It would’ve hurt anyone. But you turned that into another break up point…. and a better way to have handled it would have been a series of heart to heart conversations. The handwritten letter calling for a response was distancing. It probably made him think of that first break up.

I don’t think this is about his being immature (at least not from what you’ve written) as much as it’s about his being unsure of the relationship and your putting him in these power play positions instead of working with him on problems. 😕

So, now…. you can either move on, as it appears he’s doing. Or you can apologize and tell him you didn’t mean what you said, and that you were just so hurt that you were reactive and you want to work things out. But if you don’t mean those things, then don’t say them. He doesn’t sound like he’s been all in for a while now, so you may have just moved things forward because you felt this was the direction they were taking anyway.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Member]

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