[Linloo99]

I have been with my boyfriend for four years now. We are both in our late 20’s. I am completely in love with this man and see a future with him and he feels the same. He is my best friend and I love having him in my life. We agree we both want each other in our futures but we don’t agree on everything. I would like to have children at some point in my life and he has said to me multiple times he has no interest in having kids. The subject is not a top priority at the moment so it hasn’t effected our relationship but the older I get the more I question, is he really the one for me? When we first starting dating he said he wanted a family when he was drunk and being emotional but never again since then. Do I stay with him and hope he has a change of heart/ realizes maybe he does want kids, or move on with my life and find a man who shares the same values as me? The idea of leaving him breaks my heart and something I dread of doing but I don’t want to regret anything. I need help!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is a good question. You can love someone and be compatible, but there can be a deal breaker between the two of you. And you can hate the idea of breaking up with him — but you can also hate the idea of never having had kids when you want them, and the resentment you may feel towards him if he’s the reason you didn’t have them.

I think it’s time to have another heart to heart with him. You can make a decision after that.

[missmysticfalls]

This is something you need to decide for yourself. Is this a deal breaker for you. Would you rather never have children and stay with this man or would you be forever bitter and resentful at him for not allowing you to have children. You can’t expect him to change his mind. There’s nothing wrong with either of your views except for the fact that theyre incompatible. If having kids is a deal breaker for you then you need to move on and find a man that wants to have kids. Don’t expect him to change this part of himself for you it’s neither of your faults.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good advice!

[Sally]

This is one of those quiet deal-breaker questions that sneaks up on you. Loving someone deeply doesn’t erase the fact that wanting kids and not wanting kids are two very different futures. Hoping he’ll change his mind is risky, because he’s actually been pretty clear with you while sober. If he does change, it has to be because he truly wants that life, not because he doesn’t want to lose you.

What hurts is that everything else feels right, and walking away feels unbearable. I get that. But staying while slowly letting go of a dream you know matters to you can turn into resentment later, even if you don’t mean it to.

You don’t have to leave tomorrow. Just don’t ignore the question either. Love should include the future you want to wake up to, not the one you quietly give up.

[Tara]

You are bargaining with reality because you’re afraid of losing comfort. This isn’t a small disagreement; this is a fundamental, life-defining incompatibility, and you already know it. He has told you repeatedly that he does not want children. Not “maybe,” not “later,” not “I’m scared.” He said no. One drunk, emotional comment years ago does not override four years of consistent clarity. You’re clinging to that moment because it permits you to avoid making a hard decision.

Hoping he’ll change his mind is not love, it’s denial. People don’t accidentally become parents. And if he “changes” for you, it will breed resentment. If you stay and sacrifice having children, you will resent him. Either way, someone loses. That’s not a future, that’s a slow-burning disaster you’re choosing because the present feels good.

Love is not enough when core values don’t align. Best friend or not, if you want children and he doesn’t, this relationship has an expiration date, whether you admit it now or ten years from now. The longer you stay, the higher the cost. Staying because leaving hurts is how people wake up at 40 furious at themselves.

[Member]

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