[Anonymous]

[size=150]Hello,

I am a 36 y.o. female who wants to have another baby. I have one child now who is 6 years old. I have struggled with infertility in the past. I have been in my current relationship for over just about two years. I dont know if I really like this guy though. He at times can be very cold, controlling, unemotional, distant, moody and boring. But other times he has glimmers of love and affection. He often talks about our lives together and how good it will be, but he doesnt act like it now. I have seen him with his kids and he is very loving to them. He also told me that he wouldnt mind having kids with me, so it wouldnt be seen as an “unwanted pregnancy” by him either. I also must mention that his mom and I have an OK relationship to say the most, but she is very controlling of her grandkids and spoils them ROTTEN. with all of that aside. I think I just want the baby, and not him (or his mom lol). I have an operation coming up and the doctor said I will have an 85% chance of conceiving right after the operation and it will rapidly decline after… AND my biological clock is ticking very loudly…Sooo what should I do? Have the baby even if I dont want the father? Or just be happy with my child that I have? p.s. I have raised my first child alone and i managed so I know I can do it again if I had too…
I dont know if maybe I am asking for too much from him? He is very introverted and does not talk much. But he does provide for my financial needs without hesitation….[/size]

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Just because we want things doesn’t mean we get them. Sometimes we forget that our own desires aren’t always supposed to be satisfied. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be — and that is for the best, even though it’s hard to be disappointed that you aren’t getting what you want in that moment.

Your current situation is not a good one in which to have another baby, so I would advise you not to get pregnant with your current 2 year boyfriend with whom you have doubts that are important. It’s not fair to bring a child into the world just because you want one. The downside of what could happen if you do get pregnant looms large. 😐

Your boyfriend hasn’t proposed after 2 years of dating, and even though you have infertility challenges, it’s wrong to get pregnant in a panic — especially since you already have one healthy child. So slow down….big time. Be a good mother to your 6 year old, and decide if you really want to spend any more time with your current boyfriend who hasn’t proposed marriage after 2 years. If you really want a family first, since you already have one child, then your first order of business is to get married. If your current boyfriend isn’t going to marry you, then you need to move on and find someone who is Mr. Right — not Mr. Right Now, which is what it sounds like you’ve got. 🙁

If all you really want is another baby, then don’t have it with this guy. It’s not fair to you, him, the baby or your 6 year old to have a baby with someone who’s not committed and may not stick around. Worst case scenario is that he leaves and takes custody of the new baby, or that the baby has special needs and he’s not up for the energy required. Best case is that the pregnancy propels him into realizing stronger feelings for you and wanting to marry and make a family unit with you and the kids. But why gamble? 😕

For all you know, your next boyfriend may be someone who really wants to marry you and have a child with you. Although you have infertility issues, you’re 36 and not 46. Although I’m not an M.D., it seems like lots of women in their early 40s still have children with medical fertility support. In addition to which adoption is a wonderful and viable option that you can do at any age.

So, for now, my advice is not to get pregnant, to re-evaluate your relationship with Mr. Right Now, and to love and nurture your 6 year old. There are lots of ways to support your maternal yearnings other than having a baby of your own, and I hope that until your situation is more stable, you’ll use those outlets.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[dymdeva]

Wow… Your Good!
I guess I knew it all along but needed to hear it from someone other than my mother. To add, He did ask me to marry him, and even put money on the ring that I picked out.. We have the date already and thought of the kind of ceremony we’d have, but I still dont feel like that is a true proposal until he PAYS FOR the ring and puts it on my finger…
Being married to him still wouldnt solve the way he sometimes acts towards me . It wouldnt magically change his personality either….But atleast I’d know he is COMMITTED to being there for me, my son, and the future baby. Plus my son LOVES him and he treats my son like one of his. But I must not be truly happy if I’m on the internet seeking answers.. (thank God for you!) 😆
I guess I should just chill out and be patient. If I dump him now, I could still have time to meet mr right and have another baby, I’m just scared that time is ticking plus with the operation coming up and all. This just seems like my last shot at having another biological child. But your right… I’m going to slow down and just pray on it. 🙄

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for your compliments! I’m glad I was able to help. 🙂

I think your manta for the holiday season is definitely, “slow down”. In your latest post you seem to promote your boyfriend/fiance more than you did in your first post, but still…..you shouldn’t marry a guy who’s personality you’re hoping will change with the wave of a magic wand. 🙄 If you feel like you need to settle, then you’re in a position to do it with this guy, but you really don’t sound comfortable with the idea of settling.

That ticking clock is scaring you a lot and it may be the catalyst for your making hasty and bad decisions. When something causes you fear, the way to overcome that feeling is to face it. So, if you can make friends with your ticking clock, rather than allowing it to rule your life, you’re going to have peace and make good decisions. So, remember that you have one child already — and when that ticking clock strikes anxiety in your heart, remind yourself of your beautiful 6 year old boy, and that the clock can’t take that child away. He’s here to stay. And then tell yourself that you you really don’t know if you’ll be able to have another child again, and accept that part of yourself. If you can and do have another child, and that’s what life brings you, then fabulous, and if you can’t, you’re going to be grateful and thankful for what you do have. If you can really absorb this, then your fear will fade away, and that ticking biological clock won’t rule your life.

My advice is not to look for a man as a baby-making tool. Look for a good man who is compatible with you whether or not you are able to ever have another baby. Be honest when you date (because I have a feeling you’re going to be dating again soon) about what you’re looking for and be honest with yourself that you want a man who is open and willing to have another child, but will be content if this is all there is.

Maturity doesn’t come easily, but that’s what you need to muster up right now.

Good luck! 🙂

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