[Anonymous]

I dont know what to do anymore. We’ve known each other for around 3 years now online and have met in real life for a total of, a little over 2 months. This whole time never ‘officially’ “going out” but might as well of been. I dont know what to do with us, she said she would move here but I think I’m afraid to officially be in a relationship. I went into this straight from my last girlfriend of about 4, 5 years. Sex gets boring after about 2 weeks of being together (as I have a feeling its going to with any girl, which is scary), but mostly I’m afraid of when it’s time to break up. When I broke up with my last girlfriend I never even made a decision really, I just kind of picked something and went with it.

This was after a month of “what do I do”? “are we still good together”? “how could i say goodbye to her”? i tortured the hell out of myself with, the question of if I should still be with her and I guess since i never came to a conclusion, I’m terrified to have to go through that again. im so scared of that time when, everything is old, and…like, how do i have someone id of been living with for 2-4 years, go back to another country like…i dont even know how to deal with that. and then on top of that,how to decide that it IS time, that she goes back, and that were not good together anymore. me and my ex were fighting probably couple times a month (1-4max), living together (since pretty much day one of our relationship)…no serious fights really…stuff just gets old i guess. how do u know when to call it quits? im really _ that close to ending what could be, just over the goodbye.

i dont know how to deal with what i went through with my ex AGAIN, especially when it means theyd be leaving the country ..there sort of no “ok lets try again”…shed be gone. aslo a big part of this is, im pretty sh**** socially and I think I want to be forced to try to get girls because its been 7+ years since ive needed one and…7 years ago i was 14 years old. i also think i, for some reason feel the need to prove myself (to myself) too, with the whole girl thing..people my age are 30+ girls deep and i’ve been with 2…feel like this is the time to, be a sIut if i’m going to. heh. was the same deal when i ended it with my ex, i felt the same way just, got back into another relationship instead of doing anything. feel like if im going to, it needs to be done before im 26 years old , and worst of all, just as socially …broken. suggestions? ideas? what do i do 🙁

[Ask April Masini]

I think I can help you. Your problems are layered. First of all, you’re very hard on yourself and your need to prove yourself as successful in relationships is making you choke. You’re so worried about the end result you forget you’re in the game and it’s time to play! The way to get over this anxiety about the end score is to keep reminding yourself that this isn’t cancer. It’s a relationship. You’re not going to die if you make the wrong decision and neither is she. In fact, making the wrong decisions are part of getting to the blue ribbon finish. You have to date women and find out what works and what doesn’t work in order to find a relationship that is the one you want for the rest of your life.

Rejection is part of success when it comes to dating. I know that probably sounds funny, but in baseball, the biggest home run hitters have lots of strike outs. In fact, many, many more strike outs than home runs. But they take their swings and they accept those strike outs as part of the game. When they hit a home run, the glory and reality of their success is no less for the wear and tear of taking those swings that didn’t connect. Got that? Well the same goes for dating. Most of the happiest relationships come from people who kissed frogs, took swings and got dumped as well as did the dumping because they knew that they were interested in not wasting any more time with someone who wasn’t right — and they kept their eye on the ball and the win while staying in the game without giving up. That needs to be you. And I think once you wrap your head around this concept, you can do it.

So that’s the big over layer you need to work on in your life.

As for the under layers, my advice is that you date with more lightness and fun. Let go of the heavy feelings of responsibility that don’t belong to you in real life. Don’t take dumping and moving on so seriously. Don’t try to make things work when they shouldn’t. Be lighter on your dating feet. 😆 If you meet someone online, only take seriously those women you can date with a car ride — not a plane ride. The distance of relationships that are out of state or out of country are too great for you and probably for the women, too. Investing three years in an online relationship that yields two months of “real life” time is too great a price to pay for you at this time. You need to date in real life the women you meet online within a month of meeting them. Otherwise, you’ll find your very sensitive self too pressured to hang on to something that probably isn’t right, and wasting your time and hers.

Another under layer you can work on is to date more casually. If you date two or three women at once before getting serious, you’re not going to feel as guilty about dumping (cue James Earl Jones’ voice here:) “The Girlfriend” when you realize she’s not Ms. Right. If you’re playing the field and dating casually while getting to know these women, you won’t feel so indebted and responsible for losing the one and only relationship you have. Instead, you’ll realize there are lots of women out there who MAY be right for you, and you have to find the one who is.

I hope that helps. I realize it means you have to break up with the woman you’re dating now because she’s geographically undesirable, but I hope you’ll do it, take a fresh look at what’s best for you, and get back out there with a new game plan.

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