[Anonymous]

18 months ago I moved in with two total strangers: a girl and a guy. The guy and I hit it off and became really close from the moment I moved in. Nothing happened for 13/14 months, and then we both developed feelings for each other. We made out a couple of times and talked about what to do, but can’t figure it out. We know we’re good together because we have lived together for a while now, we do everything together, and we talk all the time.We want to keep living together though, so the options are stay in the same house and date or don’t date. I wouldn’t say it’s a match made in heaven; we have some really different interests and very different backgrounds that might cause problems down the line if we date. Also, what’s bothering me is that he’s 5years older than me and pretty sexually experienced. And I’m a virgin. And he doesn’t know that. I would tell him, and I’m ready/willing to have sex (I’m in my mid-twenties), but I’m afraid this could be very fast-paced and difficult for me to deal with. Advice?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your concerns are correct — except that the five year difference isn’t as important as any social differences (like your virginity) that they may imply. Before you go further consider the possible outcomes and what you will do if you find yourself in any of them.

First of all, if you’re a virgin, it makes sense that you would choose someone “safe” to fall for — like a roommate you know so well. This may mean that after you date him for a while, you decide you want to experience more in the world of men, and breaking up will be awkward at best and lead to someone moving out after much fighting at worst.

Second of all, this relationship will move a lot faster than if you date someone you don’t live with because living together will never be an option — you’re already doing that! What you may miss out on are the steps in a relationship where you know how he feels about you six or 12 months into the relationship because you can feel things escalating towards living together or even marriage. That step gets removed — and that’s not necessarily a good thing. The steps in the relationship allow you to gauge where you are and if he’s serious about you or not.

Thirdly, there may come that awkward moment after a few months of dating and sleeping together while living together where one of you decides they want to date other people. If you imagine this scenario, you can picture the possible feelings of betrayal, disappointment and hurt that will be in your very own home. Normally your home is a safe place from a boyfriend who isn’t treating you the way you want to be treated, but if he’s chatting up other women on social networks, texting them, etc. and you become jealous, the apartment becomes a battle ground.

So those are the problems I suggest you consider and figure out how you’ll deal with them if they happen. There is no relationship insurance to purchase, so even the best laid plans can go awry, but if you can try and do a little prophylactic strategizing, you may be able to protect your heart — and hopefully you won’t need to!

[Member]

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