[nicole1]

[b]Background:[/b]My boyfriend, let’s call him Jim, and I have been together for a year.We met last February through our friends:my best friend of 9 years,Cara, and her new boyfriend and Jim’s friend,Fred.
[b]Fast forward to December[/b]:A few days before their one year anniversary,Fred breaks ups with Cara.A month passes(when he made some contact,nothing more than a few words) and Cara is slowly but surely getting over him.Around mid-January Fred asks for a second chance and states he has changed.They meet and she asks for some time to think it over.
During the two weeks she spent thinking about it,my Jim had been telling me stuff Fred did behind Cara’s back,like flirting a group of girls while drunk and I would report them to my friend(who is also my roommate) because she’d say she wanted to know everything before deciding.However,Jim asked her not to mention that she knew about his flirting,because Fred had confessed and asked for secrecy.Fred and Cara met a couple more times until she decided that she can’t give him another chance.
[b]Now,to the point:[/b]The night they broke up,Cara spent 4 hours telling him that the reason she couldn’t do it was because she didn’t trust him but couldn’t tell him why.Around midnight she came home,thinking she had made the wrong choice.She said she’d might feel better if she told Fred she knew everything-but that would cause a fight between him and Jim.She also told me she had asked my boyfriend(who had been really tired and stressed those days) to go to Fred’s place and stay the night.
She was so devestated that I took pity of her and made my mistake:I called Jim and asked if she could honestly speak to his friend.After that things got awkward between us as he got very upset with all three and of himself.
The next day Jim called asking to meet him for coffee.He told me he had been thinking of taking a break or something,that I had betrayed him and he betrayed himself.I started crying,he hugged me and decided to forget the whole thing.Things are still strange between us.I don’t think the situation was [i]that [/i]big of a deal(apparently [i]he [/i]does but won’t say why) but we’ve hung out twice since and he’s always kinda sad,which in turn makes me sad and awkward.
Jim has also told me that both he and his friends believe Cara did the whole thing on purpose,that she wanted me and Jim to break up right before one year anniversary just like she and Fred did!!I don’t believe that as I know she was just being indecive but can’t really say anything to my boyfriend…
Please tell me,why do you think Jim is like that? And,can we save our relationship?
[*]Obviously the names have been changed.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like Jim is mad at himself for betraying his friend, Fred, and he’s taking it out on you. He shouldn’t have meddled in the relationship Fred and Cara had, and he shouldn’t have told you about Fred’s behavior when Cara wasn’t around, and you shouldn’t have told Cara — and then he shouldn’t have told Cara to keep the source of the gossip from Fred — without expecting this to blow up eventually, as it has. It sounds like everybody involved shared a little bit of the blame in this. Now, Jim is upset about his friendship with Fred failing because of this betrayal, and he’s blaming you and his relationship with you. Until he sorts this out in his own head, I don’t think he’s going to be able to get back together with you — but hopefully, he will figure it out with time. 😉

[nicole1]

I should probably correct something, that,at first,Jim only told me that Fred had done something really bad and that’s what I said to my friend.A month later,when he came to our place,Cara pushed him to tell her and that’s how she found out.(I should mention that that ‘really bad’ thing wasn’t that he was flirting drunk,but that he had a threesome.I found out a week after they broke up for good but haven’t told Cara).
Also,Jim’s friendship with Fred was slowly but surely falling apart due to the latter’s messy personality.Jim told me he no longer considers him a friend and they still hang out.Just last night he was at his apartment,drinking,with some other guys.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thanks for filling us all in a little further. A threesome is definitely more damaging to a relationship than drunk flirting! Yikes.

However… I still think that Jim is mad at himself that he betrayed his friendship with Fred, and the fact that they’re still hanging out after their romantic relationships with you and Cara crumbled, supports that. Jim has to work out his feelings about what he did. When he does, he’ll be able to be straight with you.

[nicole1]

I see.Thank you so much for sharing your views with me!
I will try and be there for Jim for as long as he wants me!Hopefully,we can work things out!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good luck to you, and if you have any other questions, I’m here!

[nicole1]

Issue with boyfriend…I think we are both at fault but he just blames me!
#1
Hello Arpil!
This is the second time I’m turning to you for advice. The first was only last month(we almost broke up because our friends broke up-thankfully we have moved on). Now, there is another thing that has been troubling us.
Around mid-February, my boyfriend and I had an argument about our sex life. According to him, he quite often felt like I wasn’t attracted to him and that, even if I was, I wasn’t showing it. From then on I have tried to be more expressive and I believe I’m improving. I must admit it’s not easy;I have low libido despite being only 20, whereas my boyfriend is the exact opposite. A bit more than a week ago I dared ask him if he was more satisfied and if I actually was becoming more expressive than before and he confirmed that things were getting better.
Then, we had an ‘accident’ on Saturday and, as a result, he has to get circumcised. The appointment for the surgery is set for tomorrow, Friday.
Last night he came over to my place and we ended up having sex. It was a bit strange and I was scared, but we made it work. This morning he tried to initiate again and I said ok as long as he would withdraw if I asked so. He was actually the one who suggested that!
Eventually I asked him to stop, he asked why, I said I was scared about him. Yet he kept going. I proceeded to ask him three more times before I sort of pushed him over. I told him not to do that again and he just rolled over and started getting dressed. I mimiced him as I had a class an hour later and told him to look at me. He didn’t. I reached to touch his back and said ‘don’t touch me’. The he muttered something about him not being able to handle him trying to guess how I felt. I asked if I could call later and he said no.
Now, here’s my issue. He has mentioned once before that I didn’t express my emotions and it was frustrating to him and I tried to be more open. But then he started to avoid the conflict that sometimes came when I spoke about negative feelings. As a result, I learnt to only express my positive feelings. Given this, how was I supposed to express my humiliation after what happened in the morning?(unfortunately I didn’t get to tell that to him. he always turns his back on me or leaves the house whenever conflict happens.)
I should also mention that he has a lot going on lately; he recently got his first job, he has a paper to write that he hasn’t even started and he has the surgery.
I feel like we have broken up. Should I try to call him in a couple of days since he has the surgery tomorrow? How can I get him to listen to me about my negative feelings?
Thank you in advance!

I would like to add that we finally spoke at night.I told him everything I mention above, he apologized and we made up.My question now is;how do I approach him when I want to talk about my negative feelings?Is there any way I can positively speak them so that I don’t look like the bad guy and get rejected?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m going to ask you some questions to clarify because you wrote a lot, but there are some issues here that aren’t clear to me:

* You said that the two of you had an “accident” during sex and now he has a circumcision surgery scheduled as a result. What happened?

* You’ve skirted the issue of problems with sex and mentioned you’re “scared” of him, and that you want him to pull out — what’s going on here?

It sounds from what you’ve written that there’ve been problems with sex, and they’re still going on. You’re making changes in your behavior and are looking to him for some type of validation of those changes, but he’s not really giving you what you need in this regard because you feel like you’re trying and he’s still complaining and you feel like the bad guy.

Also, there seems to be a big disconnect between the two of you — he’s got a lot of stress of his own going on, and there’s this mysterious problem with sex, and you’re looking for validation. It sounds like neither one of you is really getting taken care of. 😳 It’s great that you made up — but that’s just a place holder because the real issues haven’t been addressed. You’re asking the right question: how do you express yourself to him when there’s something you don’t like going on?

The thing is, guys want to be able to fix things for you, so if you’re just looking to rant or vent, you’d do better doing so with a close friend or family member. You can’t look to your guy to be everything for you. If you give him things to fix (even if you don’t see them as things to fix, he will), that he can’t, he’s going to feel badly about himself and the relationship. So if you have a problem, and you want to talk to him about it, choose a time away from the issue. Don’t mimic him right after something happened. Instead, the next day, have coffee with him in the kitchen, or out of the house, and bring up your concerns. Not in the moment, and not in the bedroom. 😉 Try to be calm and even-tempered when you bring up something that’s of concern. If you’re emotional, he’s going to react to your emotions, not the problem. And be objective about the issue starting with your part in it. For instance, you could talk about how important it is for you to please him and you really want to make him happy — instead of complaining that he doesn’t validate your feelings when you make a change in your behavior. Get it? 😉

[nicole1]

1)The foreskin teared a bit.He told me stuff like that happen and that he’ll most likely need circumcision.
2)I wasn’t scared [i]of [/i]him,but [i]for [/i]him.The tear could get bigger or he would be in pain.That’s why I wanted him to pull out.

As for me looking for validation on sex,he says that things are indeed “better” and I’m really trying to initiate more often or be more affectionate and expressive in order to match his libido.Hopefully,there will be more impovement in this department but he says he’s good with that.
I will definitely try and do what you suggest in the last paragraph!I understand that he needs his own time and space after an argument and I believe I can give them to him.However,I’m hoping to meet him some time in the following days and ask him what I can do to make him more acceptive of my negative emotions.That is [b]really [/b]troubling me because ,otherwise, I’m afraid I will keep holding them to myself which,in turn,will lead to more (easily avoidable) issues…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it.

Don’t hold in your feelings, but don’t vent them on him. That’s where having a good friend to talk to can really help. And trying to see his side of things will, as well.

Good luck! And let me know if you have any more questions.

[Sally]

From Jim’s side, it probably felt like loyalty got crossed, even if your heart was in the right place. When friends, secrets, and couples get tangled up, people don’t react logically. They react emotionally. He likely feels embarrassed, guilty, and protective of his friendship, and instead of sorting that out, he’s sitting in it. That’s why he seems sad and distant.

I don’t think Cara was trying to sabotage you. I think she was hurting and grabbing for clarity wherever she could. That doesn’t make her evil, just human.
Your relationship can be saved, but only if Jim actually talks about why this hit him so hard instead of shutting down. You can’t fix something you’re not allowed to understand. Give it a little space, but don’t ignore the quiet tension. It matters.

[Tara]

Jim is not upset because of “betrayal.” He’s upset because his fragile little control fantasy got exposed and he doesn’t like how powerless it made him feel.
Let’s dismantle this mess cleanly.

Jim was playing messenger, gatekeeper, and moral authority all at once. He told you dirt about Fred, told you to pass it on, but demanded secrecy so he could look clean. That’s coward behavior. He wanted the benefits of honesty without the consequences of honesty. When you made one call that disrupted his little balancing act, the whole thing collapsed—and suddenly he’s “betrayed.” Translation: you didn’t follow the script.

Now the sulking. The sadness. The vague “this is a big deal but I won’t explain why.” That’s emotional manipulation. If it were truly about trust, he would articulate the issue like an adult. He doesn’t, because the real issue is that he looks bad to his friend and he hates that more than he cares about your clarity or comfort.
As for the conspiracy theory that Cara masterminded your breakup like some budget soap opera villain—give me a break. That’s projection. Jim and his friends are externalizing blame because none of them want to admit they handled this situation like immature idiots. It’s easier to demonize a grieving woman than take responsibility.

Why is Jim like this? Because he’s emotionally immature, conflict-avoidant, and more loyal to his friend group’s approval than to his girlfriend’s emotional security. He’s punishing you with distance instead of resolving anything. That’s not depth. That’s weakness.

Can you save the relationship? Only if you enjoy walking on eggshells, apologizing for things that weren’t wrong, and shrinking yourself to preserve his comfort. If you want a partner with a spine, accountability, and emotional literacy—this guy isn’t it. At least not right now.

[Nick Roy]

Listen, Nicole, your Jim is becoming too much of a drama queen. Ferret made a mistake. Jim gossiped, and now all the rubble is falling on you. That’s not fair.
I liked AskApril’s point about explaining to Nicole that men are often fixers. If you just whine or complain, he’ll get upset.
instead of sharing negative feelings, go to a coffee shop or outside and talk calmly.
If he is still holding on to old things and ignoring you, break it, darling. It’s time to find someone now to handle both your emotions and your body like a pro.

[Member]

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